virginia tech

John 16.31-33, the Message

Jesus answered them, ...I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

ok in the yuck

i'm ok in the yuck
in the muck
in the mire
making mudpies
underneath the grey skies

i'm ok as i wait
and wait and wait
then thinking i'll be late
but really i'm early
silly girly

i'm ok as i learn to laugh and giggle
so impatient my mind wiggles
timing, timing
as i'm pining, pining
my feets dangling as i swing

i'm ok as you see my vulnerable privacy
i had 3 babies --
puhleez, ain't no modesty --
i'm ok as i begin
again
rebirth

Psalm 37.4

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will grant desires of your heart."

This was a huge verse that spoke to both Bill & I when we were beginning to date. At the time, we took it as "a sign" of our relationship's destiny. Since then, it's been somewhat of a point of contention for my inner-man, if you will. My desire and my passion aren't seeming to match up with my call. It's probably my guilt-ridden paradigm haunting me again, "if you like it, it can't be from God... to serve him, you must die to your self & what you want for the sake of the kingdom." (BTW, this post may be frustrating to some b/c I'm not real good at coming out & saying what I'm talking about... just roll with it, ok, people?)

I can't remember a time being out of relationship with God in my life. As a little girl, he was my best playmate. In high school, he became my best friend. In college, he pursued me as a lover. And after college, I was sure I would be his alone. Of course, that changed. I fell for Jesus so passionately that I never allowed myself the option of following or serving him in any other way than ministry. But I'm at this conference today titled, "Unlimited Passion;" and these ideas are creeping in my head of the dream I died to years ago.

You see, I'm a true believer in the fact that my kids are watching me and how I am living my life; especially my girls. Therefore, I'm trying to weigh out the severity of continuing to deny myself and perhaps what I was created to do. The dilemma though is in this: I also firmly believe that I have a call in my life and to deny that would be sinful.

I don't know how to do both, but I don't think my heart will stop aching if I continue to deny this dream much longer.

Intention vs. Behavior

I've been mulling over these two concepts a lot for about 10 days now. A friend explained it to me in this way: intention is a subjective perception; it's what we honestly believe and feel in the moment of commitment; but behavior is the truth of that intention and the objective evidence of that commitment.

I've really been struggling with this b/c I am such a verbal girl and I love to hear promises and declarations of love & loyalty. But then I am so crushed when it's not fulfilled. It unleashes such a sense of betrayal in my heart. I think this may be why I am so instinctively cynical and can just write people off so stinking easily. In our community though, I have to trust, I have to risk, I have to believe. Otherwise, what kind of woman, pastor, friend would I be?

Some, I know are even more dark & brooding than I, and have advised me to keep my expectations low; to sit back and see how others act or react. (kind of like pasta; just throw it against the wall, and see if it sticks) I understand that, but then I feel so calloused. Is that who I'm called to be or do I need to be the one who keeps trusting, risking, believing, hoping, again and again and again and again...

Release

I'm feeling a great sense of freedom and release over the issues I've been dealing with. And I'm very grateful. It's like God has stopped pressing me down for a bit so I can enjoy the bit of healing that's happened as a breather before the next round.

There's such messiness in healing. I'm so hyper-sensitive before it even happens and then when I' m in the middle of it -- forget about it! And my poor family and friends. They don't even realize how every little thing they say and do (or don't) gets totally tweeked in my brain and opens up so many other deep rooted issues.

Now if only I could remember this and keep it in perspective. God desires me to be whole and complete; not fragmented. Yet, I am broken and if I am to be authentic and genuine, I can only be who I am thru that broken-ness. It's by the pressing in and thru to the other side that I am healed a little more each time.

Bless God for getting thru another layer. Hopefully, I'm good to go for awhile!

So...

So, God's been working on me and my slavery to food issues. And this past weekend, a whole mess of stuff rose up to the surface. I'm not quite ready to share about it, b/c frankly, I don't feel safe yet and that's all a part of it. You know, letting your guard down ~ how far, how much... it seems like it takes me forever to be honest with God, who is perfect, faithful and true; and then another million years to begin being authentic with Bill. I'm not sure how long it will take me to sincerely be vulnerable with my friends. I know I can talk a good talk, but to walk it is still a struggle.

Ready

I'm so ready for my husband to be home. Ready for him to be back in my house, back in my bed, back in his chair, back to his ways of annoying me & teasing me...

I'm so ready...

kinda freakin

So my husband's out of the country for a week and I'm supposed to be ok. I guess I am. Life feels weird w/o him. I don't know what it is -- wait, oh yeah, he's my soulmate -- so things are very weird.

And did I tell you that he's stranded in Warsaw (final destination = Lithuania) w/o his passport or ID? Pickpocketed by some terrorist or some other kind of freak pathetically desperate to get into this country. What a violation - his identity stolen. I can't even wrap my brain around it. Right now, I gotta trust the US Embassy will do their job and he'll be safe.

A plague upon us!

Be warned - a sickness hath made it's dwelling among us. For how long, we know not, but we beseech thee, plead with the Creator Almighty to have mercy on us so that this curse may flee!! I beg thee, stay away, for the stench is truly toxic and none should endure a smell lest ye truly thinketh such torture is bearable. I tell you, NO! It is not. Our comfort is found in this - our attacker is swift and sure. Within four and twenty hours it dost make haste, but it hath a stubborn way and will not relent until all members of this post are its victims. Lord & Lady Sergott hath endured the battle as has master Elijah; maid Grace is now its latest victim and young maiden Magdalene lays innocently by.

May we know the sweet joy of health & happiness by and by...

true community

I had a friend stop by my house yesterday unexpectedly needing to talk. I said sure, but we had to go back to my room b/c I was working on laundry. The significance of this lies in the fact that I switched my childcare -- thus I need to do my kids laundry again! And I'm trying to be good and not fall behind. Anyway, we had our heart to heart in the midst of my incredibly dog-haired covered dusty room as I sorted my husband's dirty underwear and socks.

Now, that's love people.

re-evaluating

i wish i could take credit for this, but it's rich nathan from the columbus vineyard (again). for a bit of background, go grab your bible & read genesis 26:12-18. this is kind of what led me to be so convicted about "lent" this year. i'm usually a total slacker, and who knows how faithful i'll be this year, but there's something to those spiritual disciplines.


There are always enemies, always Philistines, filling up the wells of our lives. Left to themselves, of course, the natural direction of wells is to fill up so that we can no longer draw out water. And spiritually, the direction of fallen humanity is always towards regression, not progress, towards devolution (a downward spiral), not evolution (an upward spiral). We are always in a war. When we stop fighting, when we stop drawing near to Christ, the enemy of our soul always fills up our wells with earth.

What I mean by the filling up of the well, is the overall experience of the loss of intimacy with God. It is the experience where we say to ourselves, “I used to feel God’s presence. It has been such a long time since I felt truly alive in God. I used to be excited by the prospect of meeting with God. My love for God and my desire for God used to burn white hot. I used to treasure Jesus above everything else. But now I find that I am dull to his voice and dull to his correction. I am less concerned about grieving the Holy Spirit. There are a growing number of things that I treasure above friendship with Christ.”

What are the signs in your life that your spiritual well has been clogged up? Let me share with you some of the signs of the clogging up of my own spiritual well. When I see the following occurring in my life, I know that I have given ground to the Philistines (the world, the flesh, and the devil). Perhaps you can identify with some of these signs:

1. I find myself wasting more time escaping into entertainment. I watch more TV, and more movies. I’m online more checking box scores and reading the opinions of sports pundits.

2. I lose my zeal in sharing my faith and looking for divine appointments. Evangelism always flows from an overflow of spiritual life. When my passion for Jesus flags, so does my passion for evangelism. I stop being sensitive to divinely given opportunities to share my faith.

3. I waste money on unnecessary purchases. I stop caring about the fact that I am to show the same concern for the health, comfort, and feeding of other people as I show myself (that is, after all, a part of what it means to love your neighbor as yourself). Instead, I wildly over-balance the comfort, care and feeding of myself compared to what I share with others.

4. I lose self-control in my appetites, in my speech, and in my temper.

5. My conversation drifts towards the utterly secular and away from a focus upon Jesus and the thing that are close to the heart of Jesus. In fact, those subjects begin to carry with them a slight degree of boredom.

6. Old habits start reappearing in my life, especially speech problems such as gossip, slander, sarcasm and bending the truth.

7. Maritally, there is a loss of warmth and relational connection with my spouse. We begin to experience more friction between us. We find ourselves just functioning together, not encouraging one another or praying for one another.

8. I find an unwillingness in my life to sacrifice, to really tighten the belt so that it pinches my flesh. When the well of my life is filled up by the Philistines, I find myself unwilling to “give financially until it changes my lifestyle.” And I find myself unwilling to be really inconvenienced in service. In other words, I become less willing to go out of my way to help someone in need, or to show up at a meeting that doesn’t particularly interest me.

9. All of these things are rooted in my agreement with the lie that I can stay in the same spiritual position with God whether or not I fight or wrestle or discipline my flesh, or deny myself, or repent.


Let me ask you a personal question. Do you see any of my nine indicators of the filling up of my spiritual wells in your life? Can you add to my list?

BONK!

Today, Bill was feeling pretty poopy due to we're not sure what, but he was physically incapacitated. So, being the phenomenal wife that I am, I got the kids out of the house for the afternoon so he could sleep. The girls went on a playdate while big "E" and I headed to a local hill to do some sleddin'. He was a superman on this massive hill for about an hour and then he seemed spent. We began to leave but saw friends at this smaller hill and decided to stop by for a few minutes. Literally seconds go by when Eli jumps on his saucer, shoots down this "bunny hill," then BAM! Blood-curdling screams fill the sky!! Eli smacked into a tree. He totally had a goose egg the size of a golf ball RIGHT ON THE FRONT OF HIS HEAD.

I called Ask-a-Nurse, discerned that my son was alert & aware -- deifitely not unresponsive (noted by the blood-curdling screams aforementioned) -- went home, grabbed an ice pack and plopped him on the couch next to Papa.

Ah, the joys of mothering a boy.

Grief

I know it's been a while... I've been stuggling to write b/c I'm dealing with grief. First, my Grace. Her very first best school friend has moved to Chicago. When I picked her up on Friday from school, she bawled and bawled, and was very aware of the loss. She knew & understood that Kelsey would no longer be a regular part of her life & she was already missing that. I had no words for her. I held her and let her cry it out. I also then taught her the great gift of curling up on the couch with a movie when you feel sad. We went to the vidoe store and picked out a few flicks. For a 7 yr old, that was just the trick!

If only it were that easy with my own grief. On Monday, I read in the paper that a high-school buddy of Bill's (who stood up in our wedding) had died unexpectedly in a snowmobile accident. Bill & I recently had been playing phone tag w/ this guy to reconnect as it had been a while and I didn't initially know what to think or feel. Mucha was the kind of guy who seemed to almost "just die" a couple of times due to some careless behavior and this time it caught up to him. Bill & I both wrestled with anger, sadness, guilt, or really the lack there of... Ultimately though, my confidence is in the knowledge that God's mercy is bigga :) than I can comprehend or even begin to imagine and my prayer is that his family knows that mercy is a very real way this week.

Bloggin'

This network of bloggers that has stemmed from our church has been a very interesting & blessed thing. It's helped me get to know my community in such a profound way. Much quicker certainly than if we only had Sundays as our chance to see each other. I feel as I travel thru the blog-dom, I learn so much -- not only by what is written, but how it's written. For some it's an open door into every thought that hits them; for some there's more caution; others are lengthy & significant in content, while others are brief yet rich with depth. I love this opportunity to love & learn...

Just out of curiosity, how do you see yourself using this thing called "blogging?" Give me your thoughts so I can continue to learn more.

Peer Pressure

OK - I'm blogging! Ya happy now?



Seriously, I haven't had all that much to say... Not an interesting thought floating around in this head -- AT ALL. So, don't take it personally, there's just nothing cool going on in my life.

Although, it does feel good to know people are watching, reading, & caring. It's funny how something so sterile & impersonal, like a computer, can be such a vehicle of warmth & unity. (I bet Levi's gagging right about now.)

Anyway, I'll try & do better next time. Much luv, ~ t.

Staying focused

I'm trying to stay focused. Church is taking on a life of it's own and I don't want to get caught up b/c then it so quickly can become a program and I don't want to lose the friendships I've started. I want them to stay real and sincere. So I'm trying to keep my eyes on Him who began this good work... keep my heart in tune w/ my first love, my truest friend who will be there when all else is passed & dust... keep my mind at peace in the awareness of his faithfulness... keep my souls open to wherever this journey leads...

Bethany & I were talking the other day about staying fresh and keeping our paradigms, our thoughts of God, moldable so we don't get trapped in what we think we know as true, but rather stay true to what is essential to the gospel. It's funny how quickly I can lose my saltiness when I cling to anything other then Jesus. And it's not about doing church or the things I think are how to follow him. It's not about eloquence on a Sunday morning or at a hospital bedside. It's about me decreasing & him increasing.

1/1

This morning as we werw loading the kids into the van to head over to Grandma's, I was taken back by the day & I sensed God was telling me something. First, it's our 13th anniversary today. I thought back to that day. We were married in Atlanta and really had more like a 5 day wedding extravaganza. We spent the whole time (pretty much) surrounded my some really wonderful friends. We even spent our official first day married having dinner with & going to a movie with the last 10 or so who hadn't flown home yet. It made me smile as I remembered.

I then thought about the last few days and the rain and dreariness. It's been almost oppressive. I then breathed in deeply the fresh January air and said to the Lord, what's the deal -- it's January and this is beautiful, breathtaking, and freakish... God then said, yeah, that was 2006; but THIS IS 2007.

Happy New Year.

a year ago...

... we held our last Sunday night service in Depere

... there were less than 10 of us (including munchkins)

... my heart was breaking at the thought of starting over, again

... I was stuck in unforgiveness & regret

... Scott & Amanda were our only friends & support

... meeting my soon to be sis-in-law for the first time

... Bill still worked at Family Services

... my kids missed their papa

... I was still just getting my feet wet @ Bellin

... Beth & Levi decided "YES"

God is good. Amen.

Chick flicks & chocolate

Saturday nite (TONIGHT), my place, 7pm. Come one, come all for some joyful female bonding! Let me know if you're in!

Holiday Hungover

I feel like I've been hit by a Mack Truck. I'm not even going to tell you about my house... it goes w/o saying that it's akin to Hiroshima. And now we have Maggie's bday & Bill's bro is coming tomorrow.

ugh, I think I need some alka selzer...