*sigh*

Sorry.  But I just can't do this right now.  I thought I could get back into it, but I can't.  Too much anger & regret.

kindred

I think I gained some pretty amazing insight into myself recently.  Pretty encouraging since this old dog doesn't necessarily do real well with new tricks.

I'm an introvert, an internal processor, and a deep thinker who longs for connection - aches for it, if you will.  I've tortured myself over this struggle of making friends and wrestled with all the reasons of why it's been so difficult, so frickin' hard to connect.  Now, please bear in mind, I understand that relationships take work - for crying out loud, it's my job!  I get it! But I don't think it's supposed to be grueling work.

But something finally clicked: with some people it's so easy and painless - like puzzle pieces getting back into place.. and that. is. good.  I can connect and make friends!!  I just expect (maybe demand) a certain quality.  I'm horrible with Christmas cards and birthdays..  I don't do trite, "hallmark" moments, but am fiercely loyal and will take a 27hr road trip because you need my help. 

This also is why it's so challenging for me to move on and forgive.  Once I finally do open up and let someone in my heart, I take them in as if welcoming them to my home.

So, I guess I'm one of those who just counts their friends on one hand.  It's who I am.

wedged

I have this unfortunate habit of needing to replay and repeat things in my head over and over and over again.. until somehow, I am over it.  Thus, I find myself stuck between regret and anger most day.  I know, I know, a crappy way to live.  Makes me solid as a performer, but for daily life, it's wears on me.

I don't know how to fix it though; how to stop.  I'm sure forgiveness is somehow a crucial piece, but how does one handle that space when forgiveness is still just a choice and the feeling of peace, of resolve, hasn't followed?

re-imagining myself

Around when I turned 40, I realized I had ignored a very passionate gift in my heart (FOR YEARS) and was simply no longer able or willing to do so any longer - ACTING.  And as I started to embrace more and more of who I really am, I seemed to be released more and more out of traditional ministry.  Yet, I also am still faced with the absolute reality that I am a mom and wife with 3 kids dependent on me for their health and well-being.  I can't just run away to Hollywood or NYC.  So, what to do.. what to do..

Now, I believe I have skills that translate beyond church walls and are of the level of a professional stage or screen.  Getting them to create a successful stream of revenue though - that's the trick.  In hopes of doing that, I signed up with about.me and have started dreaming.

Check it out & let me know what you think:  *teresa aportela sergott* 

And feel free to pass along ;)

Connection

I find myself in a peculiar dilemma.  I want connection but I can't trust.  Anyone else struggle with this?  I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere over the past ten years, I forgot how to just make a friend for the simple sake of connection.  Well, that's not entirely true, but it certainly has become very difficult.  There have been a couple of people but since they're so much younger and in such a different stage of life, I feel awkward.  I think also because of ministry, always expecting to pour into folks, give advice, offer prayer, show no weakness, etc., I just don't remember how to let go.

I remember in high school and college finding kindred spirits who somehow could sift thru the crazy and connect with me - the real me.  I don't even know who that woman is anymore.

And now, I think I'm scared to invest too much because then it will be harder to leave.. and I gotta leave Green Bay.  It's like wearing clothes that don't fit and never being able to be comfortable.

Either way, I need to remember how to connect.  It's effecting me and I feel myself withering away inside; like I'm turning into a walking shell. I don't like that feeling.

Finally ready to talk.. and write

There's been a lot that's happened in the past 6/7 months.  I've tried multiple times to write, but I just couldn't find the words.  My last post was so hopeful but the "experiment" (as I like to refer to it) failed.  For those who don't know, Seattle didn't work out.  In fact, it crashed & burned.  The friend who had offered Bill what appeared to be a stable job, after 3 weeks chose to terminate.  He has multiple "sound business reasons" for his decision - none in my eyes that are certainly ethical or justified - but, oh well.  Guess there's not much more to say about that.

Unfortunately, the friendship is over, which sucks, because it takes me so damn long to trust people and let them in my heart.  Plus, his wife was truly dear to me.  Unlike any other, her friendship was an unexpected and surprising gift (*sigh*).  Now, it'll even take longer for the next person who comes along wanting to be friends because this has significantly tested my belief in people's ultimate goodness and generosity.  I find myself fighting daily the cynical voice in my head, "watch yourself.. don't get too close.. they'll only use you.."

Good times.

So I find myself spending more and more time with theater geeks, bar freaks, and drag queens.  Which truly has been fabulous.  When I was in full time ministry, it seemed as if every word I spoke or move I made was judged and somehow (although I KNOW I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR I was NOT) there was this constant expectation for perfection.  Folks now quite clearly know I don't have it together.  And if they still don't get it?  Well, there's nothing really left to say.  I am who I am and right now I am in process.

Imagine driving at night, like 2AM, going thru the Smokey Mountains - so the roads are black, foggy, and constantly turning.  The only way you see the car before you is by catching a glimpse of their tail lights right before you're on top of them.  All the way up the mountain, your ears are popping and then all the way down you feel as if you're constantly riding your brakes.  It's not very relaxing, to say the least.  More like stressful as colorful terms leave your lips for what seems an eternity on this stretch of I-75.  Then the sun comes up and when you stop to refill your tank and grab a coffee (and Chick-fil-A breakfast sandwich;p), you look around and see yourself surrounded by mountains.  You can't help but stand in awe because the beauty is simply breathtaking. 

Well, right now, I'd say, we're still in the middle of that drive.  Bill & I are here in Green Bay, with the kids, unsure of what's next, but still moving forward.  Swerving left.. swerving right.. I believe we're both called to ministry still, but, how or when..??  I also know, there's too much creativity in both of us to just ignore or sacrifice ever again.  Somehow, the two passions will connect; eventually.

Someday soon, I'm sure I'll appreciate this journey, but right now, I'm just trying to be present and content.  My heart easily could become resentful or bitter but why?  The sun will rise again; it always does.

Out with the old and in with the new

A year ago at this time, I was feeling such promise for what 2011 held for me, my family, and my ministry. Sadly, when I look back now on this past year, the first words that come to mind are bitterness and disdain. It was such a hard year emotionally, mentally and financially. Ironically, Bill & I kept asking God, "where do we go.. what do we do.. tell us & we'll follow." As door after door closed, as person after person left our community, as every last dime of our savings was spent, we still didn't let go and surrender to the obvious - it was simply time to move on. If anything, Bill & I are insanely passionate and loyal people. When we commit to something, we're there to the bitter end. There are pros and cons to that of course, but I don't think we'd be authentically ourselves if we lived life any differently.

In August, we both knew it was time for us to leave Green Bay, but didn't know where or how.. As friends & mentors shared advice and prayer, Bill felt in his heart we would be blessed wherever we went; God simply wanted to know: what. did. WE. want. And that was a tough question. We had never considered our happiness in this journey. (Possibly a crazy concept for some of you, but after years of ministry & expecting sacrifice and suffering as part of the deal, I honestly had never considered God would want us happy.. I know, warped.)

So, we started thinking and dreaming. For Bill, pursuing his doctorate and becoming a full-time writer topped his list. For me, my heart longed for more opportunities with professional theater. For our kids, a place where their sensitivity, creativity and quirky-ness was celebrated and encouraged. We also knew we would need a faith community where we fit and that we could call home. Plus, being pastors, we knew it had to be a place that could challenge us, love us, and frankly, tolerate us as we took time to re-evaluate what we had just spent 20 years doing together. We prayed and began to consider Boston, Minneapolis or Seattle.

In October, "it just so happened" Bill was scheduled to go on retreat in CO. Then, we both had plans to attend our regional retreat in Green Lake, WI. Lastly, I was blessed with the opportunity to go on retreat as well with some fellow women pastors in Malibu (twist my arm.) It was an amazing 3 weeks of tuning out the chaos of our uncertainty and settling into the heartbeat of God. By the end of the month, we knew: Seattle. By the end of November, Bill was hired and given a generous bonus that allowed us to catch up on our mortgage as well as have a wonderful Christmas. Essentially, as soon as we took the first step of faith, we saw the path (cue scene: Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade). Once again, this holiday season has filled my heart with such hope and anticipation; where there was darkness, there is such clear and glorious light (very solstice appropriate).

Practically, what this looks like for us as a family: Bill will be moving to the Seattle area (Issaquah, specifically) Jan. 6. He'll be Director of Operations for Green Bay Custom Theater by day and blogger/philosopher/writer by night. In June, after the school year ends, the kids and I will follow. Please remember us during the transition. Six months is a long time for Bill to be away from the kids and they're a little nervous about that. Prepping the house to sell is not something I'm looking forward to, although I'm actually excited about purging the junk and simplifying our lives. And did I mention how much I HATE moving?? But I digress..

Anyway, thanks to FB, skype, txting, you're all only a technological beat away. Please keep in touch. Bill won't admit it, but he really appreciates hearing from you. And, since I'm basically single-mom-ing it till June, I'd love to see you when I can. Of course, I'll most likely put you to work.. ;p

May your 2012 be filled with joy, hope, & love overflowing ~