kindred

I think I gained some pretty amazing insight into myself recently.  Pretty encouraging since this old dog doesn't necessarily do real well with new tricks.

I'm an introvert, an internal processor, and a deep thinker who longs for connection - aches for it, if you will.  I've tortured myself over this struggle of making friends and wrestled with all the reasons of why it's been so difficult, so frickin' hard to connect.  Now, please bear in mind, I understand that relationships take work - for crying out loud, it's my job!  I get it! But I don't think it's supposed to be grueling work.

But something finally clicked: with some people it's so easy and painless - like puzzle pieces getting back into place.. and that. is. good.  I can connect and make friends!!  I just expect (maybe demand) a certain quality.  I'm horrible with Christmas cards and birthdays..  I don't do trite, "hallmark" moments, but am fiercely loyal and will take a 27hr road trip because you need my help. 

This also is why it's so challenging for me to move on and forgive.  Once I finally do open up and let someone in my heart, I take them in as if welcoming them to my home.

So, I guess I'm one of those who just counts their friends on one hand.  It's who I am.

wedged

I have this unfortunate habit of needing to replay and repeat things in my head over and over and over again.. until somehow, I am over it.  Thus, I find myself stuck between regret and anger most day.  I know, I know, a crappy way to live.  Makes me solid as a performer, but for daily life, it's wears on me.

I don't know how to fix it though; how to stop.  I'm sure forgiveness is somehow a crucial piece, but how does one handle that space when forgiveness is still just a choice and the feeling of peace, of resolve, hasn't followed?