shifts, changes, and longings

another move, another space; it's not my home but it still brings up all the same muck. all the reminders of my unstable and unsettled youth and brings to service all the faithful and steady insecurities. reminds me of all those longings i try to ignore, forget; sifts the dirt so that's all back at the top. those aches in my heart that i push off and placate with busyness, with food, with the ever consistent sarcastic defense mechanism. ah, yes, those hidden longings for being home and being rooted and having a life long connection to someone permanent; someone who gets it and gets me. jesus, where is my ruth? where is a jonathan-like couple for us? is it really just us alone on this mission, forging ahead for the sake of everyone else? really? you know my heart oh god, you created my inmost being... when will this ache be satisfied? where are my soul-friendships?

jealousy

Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
Exodus 34:14

this has always been a unique thought to me -- God so jealous for my attention that He is relentless to get it. yet, jealousy, is not a godly characteristic. so how does that work? i love the thought of a passionate and desperate love that would sacrifice everything for me; i mean, that's the essence of every great love story. the man who will go thru fire, hell, even death to chase and pursue and eventually find or save his love. yet how is that ok? jealousy is NOT a part of who i want to be. how does this tension work? i know i don't want it in my heart or my mind because it's all i dwell on and nearly obsess over. how do i make the switch and allow that jealousy to turn to motivation? or is there something deeper? what lies behind the jealousy? the desire for security? aknowledgment? value? what is it ultimately i am looking for and need?

just because

I've been feeling this pressing need or nudging from God to pray. What's funny about that is I've been keeping myself so busy and taking on tasks, knowing I need direction & guidance from the big G; yet not praying. And even when I do pray, I come with my agenda... my requests... my lists of things to be answered. Than this morning I was reminded of sometimes prayer isn't about me & my needs but spending time with the Lord for no other reason but just because. It was in that place that I spent time dwelling in his presence & pondering the goodness & depth of his character that I remembered this God of mine, is not single-faceted or one dimensional and he loves me; just because. He desires me, just because. He cares to spend time with me & share his secrets for me, just because. And sometimes, he wants me to do the same. To come to him, love him, honor him, bless him... just because.

de-cluttering

I feel since my dad's death, or shortly thereafter, God has been calling me to simplify & get rid of the clutter in my life. At first glance, that probably sounds like a standard New Year's resolution. But I haven't taken this lightly and it hasn't been easy. It starts with my weight and my relationship to food. I've let that block or clutter the clear passage to wholeness. It's like layer after layer, pound after pound has strengthened the fortress of protection around myself -- to the point where I'm unclear what I actually feel or think. And sometimes, I just don't and I don't even want to try & feel or think.

Then there's the stuff. And for me, I've noticed, it's not so much physical stuff as it is mental stuff. I will fill my time & attention with various media; I think again to block out any feeling or emotion or thought. The question is why. Has ministry and faith become so routine that I've dulled my senses to the awareness of God? Is that even possible? Or am I hiding (trying to hide) from the One who should know me so well? Maybe I'm just tired of healing and not having arrived yet. I don't know.

I do know that I need to simply the clutter though; literally & metaphorically. The house is getting better but there's still so much to do. Spiritually & emotionally, I feel the same. As my relationship with food is changing & healing, I sense the rest coming into focus and in line. But there's still such a long way to go. Perhaps my prayer needs to be that I don't give up or give in but truly persevere. I've never been one for marathons though. Can I do it?

a fresh beginning

well, it's been forever since i blogged anything or certainly thought about anything. i've been on quite a journey over the past 6 or so months. my father died, my mom has slipped into dementia and i resigned from my job as chaplain at a local hospital. as i turned 39 this past fall, i was so aware of my discontent -- everything needed to change. so, i'm in a process of healing (again). rather, i like to look at it as a being on a journey of connectedness. sin, pain, or whatever you want to call the crap that happens to us as we grow from childhood to adulthood pulls away at the pieces of our soul and i believe an essential part of accepting the gospel, the good news, declared by jesus of nazareth, is allowing our heart, mind, and soul to re-connect and integrate into the whole image it was originally intended.

so, i'm starting fresh and i think i'm supposed to journal for awhile my thoughts. and since i can't find my journal amidst the dust bunnies under the bed, i guess i'm blogging.