Not enough sleep

Have you ever noticed that when you don't get enough sleep, you can be very crabby but also very sensitive to the world around you? And although you can over-react and not really be yourself, so to speak, it's not necessarily a bad thing. For the past 2 nights, I have gotten very little sleep, like 4 hrs. max each night. (NOTE: with kids, they never really sleep thru the night. It's all a myth. You're exhausted everyday till they're 18, and even then...) My point though is when I get this way, I definitely get crabby, but I also become acutely aware of how I'm feeling. And for me, growing up in an alcoholic home and trained to not show any emotion, it can be extremely intense. Today, the feeling is betrayal -- absolute, I'm-totally-in-shock, never-saw-this-coming BETRAYAL. And of course, it's another Christian, another Disciple, a fellow believer in Christ who I am experiencing this with.

Although this is not the first time I have experienced this type of betrayal, nor am I the first person to experience this type of betrayal (or the last), it still disturbs me. I can't stop thinking about it, dwelling on it, dreaming of revenge... I always want that last final confrontation where I chew the person up, spit them out, and squish them. It plays over and over again in my mind -- my words become quicker, sharper, harsher everytime I have my imaginary final battle.

BUT that's not the way it goes. Nor do I think that's how the Lord wants it to be. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood, Hebrews 12:4 Now, there's the rub. My anxiety is still nothing in comparison to the cross and daydreamingly gloating and seeking vengence IS the same as if doing it. The struggle then comes in releasing my betrayer and blessing them. I then am led to think that if this is this much of a struggle for me, a believer of umpteen years, how harsh the betrayal must feel to someone just beginning his/her spritual journey. I then must cry out, "Father, forgive me and thank you."

Thank God! That he is so much bigger than any church.
Thank God! That he is so much greater than petty jealousy.
Thank God! That his love for me and for you is unfailing.
Thank God! That his mercy is faithful to meet every prayer.
Thank God! That this isn't and will never be how the story ends.

I wonder if it's possible to have a community where trust is given, not earned; freedom is experienced, not theorized; and love sincerely covers a multitude of sins. Then words like "betrayal" wouldn't even exist.

Grace is starting school

I went shopping today for my oldest who is starting Kindergarten. SO UNBELIEVEABLE! The past years have been such a whirlwind, and I've been in the flow of little ones for so long, to have one becoming independent is, well, heartbreaking! I of course started to cry in the dressing room as she tried on her navy jumper and white-peter-pan-collared shirt. Flashbacks of my first years of elementary school when I wore exactly the same thing.

Sending her to school was a difficult decision for me. I still sometimes wonder if homeschooling isn't a better coice, but I struggle with making it all work with two other children much younger and more demanding to tend to. Frankly, my super 3 yr.old is TOTAL BOY and anything "school-like" is a bit challenging for him (so to speak). He, on the other hand, may still be homeschooled. I think I'll get a better sense of that once Grace is gone. UGH! Grace is going to be gone! So wierd...

An Introduction

Hello friends and welcome to my soul. Well, hopefully, I'll share as deeply and sincerely. I invite you to share my thoughts, my dreams, my questions, my rants & ravings... Quite frankly, I'll be sharing whatever the hell I want and you can respond or not.

I'll probably share a great deal about the life lessons I learn thru my kids, a little bit about my marriage, and a whole lotta of my issues with faith. Basically, I'm trying to be an authentic person in this world and 3 little pairs of eyes are watching to see if I'll pull it off each day. Will they do what I say or what I do? If I say I believe in the presence of a supernatural reality possibly breaking thru at any minute, am I living, thinking, and acting that way? Or am I just confusing my children with a feel good fairy tale in hopes they'll grow up and be good, wholesome, productive members of society.

For the record, I wholeheartedly believe in Jesus. And I am passionate about my faith and the church. But as existence rapidly reaches the final crescendo, too many are getting lost in the cracks; too many are unaware of what life CAN be like. Ugh, and that word, church, has become tainted and I believe needs to be rediscovered, redeemed, and, reclaimed. Christ is our gift to accept and if accepted, we, the church, are the gift for the world.

Anyway, perhaps more tomorrow. This was just supposed to be an introduction.