re-imagining myself

Around when I turned 40, I realized I had ignored a very passionate gift in my heart (FOR YEARS) and was simply no longer able or willing to do so any longer - ACTING.  And as I started to embrace more and more of who I really am, I seemed to be released more and more out of traditional ministry.  Yet, I also am still faced with the absolute reality that I am a mom and wife with 3 kids dependent on me for their health and well-being.  I can't just run away to Hollywood or NYC.  So, what to do.. what to do..

Now, I believe I have skills that translate beyond church walls and are of the level of a professional stage or screen.  Getting them to create a successful stream of revenue though - that's the trick.  In hopes of doing that, I signed up with about.me and have started dreaming.

Check it out & let me know what you think:  *teresa aportela sergott* 

And feel free to pass along ;)

Connection

I find myself in a peculiar dilemma.  I want connection but I can't trust.  Anyone else struggle with this?  I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere over the past ten years, I forgot how to just make a friend for the simple sake of connection.  Well, that's not entirely true, but it certainly has become very difficult.  There have been a couple of people but since they're so much younger and in such a different stage of life, I feel awkward.  I think also because of ministry, always expecting to pour into folks, give advice, offer prayer, show no weakness, etc., I just don't remember how to let go.

I remember in high school and college finding kindred spirits who somehow could sift thru the crazy and connect with me - the real me.  I don't even know who that woman is anymore.

And now, I think I'm scared to invest too much because then it will be harder to leave.. and I gotta leave Green Bay.  It's like wearing clothes that don't fit and never being able to be comfortable.

Either way, I need to remember how to connect.  It's effecting me and I feel myself withering away inside; like I'm turning into a walking shell. I don't like that feeling.

Finally ready to talk.. and write

There's been a lot that's happened in the past 6/7 months.  I've tried multiple times to write, but I just couldn't find the words.  My last post was so hopeful but the "experiment" (as I like to refer to it) failed.  For those who don't know, Seattle didn't work out.  In fact, it crashed & burned.  The friend who had offered Bill what appeared to be a stable job, after 3 weeks chose to terminate.  He has multiple "sound business reasons" for his decision - none in my eyes that are certainly ethical or justified - but, oh well.  Guess there's not much more to say about that.

Unfortunately, the friendship is over, which sucks, because it takes me so damn long to trust people and let them in my heart.  Plus, his wife was truly dear to me.  Unlike any other, her friendship was an unexpected and surprising gift (*sigh*).  Now, it'll even take longer for the next person who comes along wanting to be friends because this has significantly tested my belief in people's ultimate goodness and generosity.  I find myself fighting daily the cynical voice in my head, "watch yourself.. don't get too close.. they'll only use you.."

Good times.

So I find myself spending more and more time with theater geeks, bar freaks, and drag queens.  Which truly has been fabulous.  When I was in full time ministry, it seemed as if every word I spoke or move I made was judged and somehow (although I KNOW I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR I was NOT) there was this constant expectation for perfection.  Folks now quite clearly know I don't have it together.  And if they still don't get it?  Well, there's nothing really left to say.  I am who I am and right now I am in process.

Imagine driving at night, like 2AM, going thru the Smokey Mountains - so the roads are black, foggy, and constantly turning.  The only way you see the car before you is by catching a glimpse of their tail lights right before you're on top of them.  All the way up the mountain, your ears are popping and then all the way down you feel as if you're constantly riding your brakes.  It's not very relaxing, to say the least.  More like stressful as colorful terms leave your lips for what seems an eternity on this stretch of I-75.  Then the sun comes up and when you stop to refill your tank and grab a coffee (and Chick-fil-A breakfast sandwich;p), you look around and see yourself surrounded by mountains.  You can't help but stand in awe because the beauty is simply breathtaking. 

Well, right now, I'd say, we're still in the middle of that drive.  Bill & I are here in Green Bay, with the kids, unsure of what's next, but still moving forward.  Swerving left.. swerving right.. I believe we're both called to ministry still, but, how or when..??  I also know, there's too much creativity in both of us to just ignore or sacrifice ever again.  Somehow, the two passions will connect; eventually.

Someday soon, I'm sure I'll appreciate this journey, but right now, I'm just trying to be present and content.  My heart easily could become resentful or bitter but why?  The sun will rise again; it always does.