I find myself in a peculiar dilemma. I want connection but I can't trust. Anyone else struggle with this? I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere over the past ten years, I forgot how to just make a friend for the simple sake of connection. Well, that's not entirely true, but it certainly has become very difficult. There have been a couple of people but since they're so much younger and in such a different stage of life, I feel awkward. I think also because of ministry, always expecting to pour into folks, give advice, offer prayer, show no weakness, etc., I just don't remember how to let go.
I remember in high school and college finding kindred spirits who somehow could sift thru the crazy and connect with me - the real me. I don't even know who that woman is anymore.
And now, I think I'm scared to invest too much because then it will be harder to leave.. and I gotta leave Green Bay. It's like wearing clothes that don't fit and never being able to be comfortable.
3 comments:
I feel the same way about not trusting... but because i don't want connection, it's hasn't been a real problem for me yet. :)
In all seriousness though, I hear you.
I want you to know that you are known and loved by me. No matter where you are. You are more than OK with me. I hope that what we have shared and how we are connected inside hasn't slipped your heart. I'm here, and I'm hearing you.
Let's get together. At least so you can get the big bag of clothes for Grace out of my Jeep. ;)
I love you, T.
I am so sad to learn that I haven't had the chance to get to know the real you. Love you... :(
"I want connection but I can't trust. Anyone else struggle with this? I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere over the past ten years, I forgot how to just make a friend for the simple sake of connection."
When I read this I felt like you ripped a page out of my own diary. I came to this awful realization that I don't have any true girlfriends outside of the church walls. And I don't really want to risk being hurt over and over again, so I don't trust the ones in the church. Pathetic. So, this week I started a Bunco (dice game) group of 12 women who didn't know me or each other just so that I could meet new people. Some of them were "churched" and some of them weren't, but you know what, I laughed and actually had fun for the first time in a long time. Now the "trust" issue might take a little more time with these women, but at least I could allow myself to let my hair down and enjoy a night out. I know exactly how you feel. Just wanted to send some love your way! <3
Post a Comment