Finally ready to talk.. and write

There's been a lot that's happened in the past 6/7 months.  I've tried multiple times to write, but I just couldn't find the words.  My last post was so hopeful but the "experiment" (as I like to refer to it) failed.  For those who don't know, Seattle didn't work out.  In fact, it crashed & burned.  The friend who had offered Bill what appeared to be a stable job, after 3 weeks chose to terminate.  He has multiple "sound business reasons" for his decision - none in my eyes that are certainly ethical or justified - but, oh well.  Guess there's not much more to say about that.

Unfortunately, the friendship is over, which sucks, because it takes me so damn long to trust people and let them in my heart.  Plus, his wife was truly dear to me.  Unlike any other, her friendship was an unexpected and surprising gift (*sigh*).  Now, it'll even take longer for the next person who comes along wanting to be friends because this has significantly tested my belief in people's ultimate goodness and generosity.  I find myself fighting daily the cynical voice in my head, "watch yourself.. don't get too close.. they'll only use you.."

Good times.

So I find myself spending more and more time with theater geeks, bar freaks, and drag queens.  Which truly has been fabulous.  When I was in full time ministry, it seemed as if every word I spoke or move I made was judged and somehow (although I KNOW I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR I was NOT) there was this constant expectation for perfection.  Folks now quite clearly know I don't have it together.  And if they still don't get it?  Well, there's nothing really left to say.  I am who I am and right now I am in process.

Imagine driving at night, like 2AM, going thru the Smokey Mountains - so the roads are black, foggy, and constantly turning.  The only way you see the car before you is by catching a glimpse of their tail lights right before you're on top of them.  All the way up the mountain, your ears are popping and then all the way down you feel as if you're constantly riding your brakes.  It's not very relaxing, to say the least.  More like stressful as colorful terms leave your lips for what seems an eternity on this stretch of I-75.  Then the sun comes up and when you stop to refill your tank and grab a coffee (and Chick-fil-A breakfast sandwich;p), you look around and see yourself surrounded by mountains.  You can't help but stand in awe because the beauty is simply breathtaking. 

Well, right now, I'd say, we're still in the middle of that drive.  Bill & I are here in Green Bay, with the kids, unsure of what's next, but still moving forward.  Swerving left.. swerving right.. I believe we're both called to ministry still, but, how or when..??  I also know, there's too much creativity in both of us to just ignore or sacrifice ever again.  Somehow, the two passions will connect; eventually.

Someday soon, I'm sure I'll appreciate this journey, but right now, I'm just trying to be present and content.  My heart easily could become resentful or bitter but why?  The sun will rise again; it always does.