*sigh*

Sorry.  But I just can't do this right now.  I thought I could get back into it, but I can't.  Too much anger & regret.

kindred

I think I gained some pretty amazing insight into myself recently.  Pretty encouraging since this old dog doesn't necessarily do real well with new tricks.

I'm an introvert, an internal processor, and a deep thinker who longs for connection - aches for it, if you will.  I've tortured myself over this struggle of making friends and wrestled with all the reasons of why it's been so difficult, so frickin' hard to connect.  Now, please bear in mind, I understand that relationships take work - for crying out loud, it's my job!  I get it! But I don't think it's supposed to be grueling work.

But something finally clicked: with some people it's so easy and painless - like puzzle pieces getting back into place.. and that. is. good.  I can connect and make friends!!  I just expect (maybe demand) a certain quality.  I'm horrible with Christmas cards and birthdays..  I don't do trite, "hallmark" moments, but am fiercely loyal and will take a 27hr road trip because you need my help. 

This also is why it's so challenging for me to move on and forgive.  Once I finally do open up and let someone in my heart, I take them in as if welcoming them to my home.

So, I guess I'm one of those who just counts their friends on one hand.  It's who I am.

wedged

I have this unfortunate habit of needing to replay and repeat things in my head over and over and over again.. until somehow, I am over it.  Thus, I find myself stuck between regret and anger most day.  I know, I know, a crappy way to live.  Makes me solid as a performer, but for daily life, it's wears on me.

I don't know how to fix it though; how to stop.  I'm sure forgiveness is somehow a crucial piece, but how does one handle that space when forgiveness is still just a choice and the feeling of peace, of resolve, hasn't followed?

re-imagining myself

Around when I turned 40, I realized I had ignored a very passionate gift in my heart (FOR YEARS) and was simply no longer able or willing to do so any longer - ACTING.  And as I started to embrace more and more of who I really am, I seemed to be released more and more out of traditional ministry.  Yet, I also am still faced with the absolute reality that I am a mom and wife with 3 kids dependent on me for their health and well-being.  I can't just run away to Hollywood or NYC.  So, what to do.. what to do..

Now, I believe I have skills that translate beyond church walls and are of the level of a professional stage or screen.  Getting them to create a successful stream of revenue though - that's the trick.  In hopes of doing that, I signed up with about.me and have started dreaming.

Check it out & let me know what you think:  *teresa aportela sergott* 

And feel free to pass along ;)

Connection

I find myself in a peculiar dilemma.  I want connection but I can't trust.  Anyone else struggle with this?  I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere over the past ten years, I forgot how to just make a friend for the simple sake of connection.  Well, that's not entirely true, but it certainly has become very difficult.  There have been a couple of people but since they're so much younger and in such a different stage of life, I feel awkward.  I think also because of ministry, always expecting to pour into folks, give advice, offer prayer, show no weakness, etc., I just don't remember how to let go.

I remember in high school and college finding kindred spirits who somehow could sift thru the crazy and connect with me - the real me.  I don't even know who that woman is anymore.

And now, I think I'm scared to invest too much because then it will be harder to leave.. and I gotta leave Green Bay.  It's like wearing clothes that don't fit and never being able to be comfortable.

Either way, I need to remember how to connect.  It's effecting me and I feel myself withering away inside; like I'm turning into a walking shell. I don't like that feeling.

Finally ready to talk.. and write

There's been a lot that's happened in the past 6/7 months.  I've tried multiple times to write, but I just couldn't find the words.  My last post was so hopeful but the "experiment" (as I like to refer to it) failed.  For those who don't know, Seattle didn't work out.  In fact, it crashed & burned.  The friend who had offered Bill what appeared to be a stable job, after 3 weeks chose to terminate.  He has multiple "sound business reasons" for his decision - none in my eyes that are certainly ethical or justified - but, oh well.  Guess there's not much more to say about that.

Unfortunately, the friendship is over, which sucks, because it takes me so damn long to trust people and let them in my heart.  Plus, his wife was truly dear to me.  Unlike any other, her friendship was an unexpected and surprising gift (*sigh*).  Now, it'll even take longer for the next person who comes along wanting to be friends because this has significantly tested my belief in people's ultimate goodness and generosity.  I find myself fighting daily the cynical voice in my head, "watch yourself.. don't get too close.. they'll only use you.."

Good times.

So I find myself spending more and more time with theater geeks, bar freaks, and drag queens.  Which truly has been fabulous.  When I was in full time ministry, it seemed as if every word I spoke or move I made was judged and somehow (although I KNOW I MADE IT QUITE CLEAR I was NOT) there was this constant expectation for perfection.  Folks now quite clearly know I don't have it together.  And if they still don't get it?  Well, there's nothing really left to say.  I am who I am and right now I am in process.

Imagine driving at night, like 2AM, going thru the Smokey Mountains - so the roads are black, foggy, and constantly turning.  The only way you see the car before you is by catching a glimpse of their tail lights right before you're on top of them.  All the way up the mountain, your ears are popping and then all the way down you feel as if you're constantly riding your brakes.  It's not very relaxing, to say the least.  More like stressful as colorful terms leave your lips for what seems an eternity on this stretch of I-75.  Then the sun comes up and when you stop to refill your tank and grab a coffee (and Chick-fil-A breakfast sandwich;p), you look around and see yourself surrounded by mountains.  You can't help but stand in awe because the beauty is simply breathtaking. 

Well, right now, I'd say, we're still in the middle of that drive.  Bill & I are here in Green Bay, with the kids, unsure of what's next, but still moving forward.  Swerving left.. swerving right.. I believe we're both called to ministry still, but, how or when..??  I also know, there's too much creativity in both of us to just ignore or sacrifice ever again.  Somehow, the two passions will connect; eventually.

Someday soon, I'm sure I'll appreciate this journey, but right now, I'm just trying to be present and content.  My heart easily could become resentful or bitter but why?  The sun will rise again; it always does.

Out with the old and in with the new

A year ago at this time, I was feeling such promise for what 2011 held for me, my family, and my ministry. Sadly, when I look back now on this past year, the first words that come to mind are bitterness and disdain. It was such a hard year emotionally, mentally and financially. Ironically, Bill & I kept asking God, "where do we go.. what do we do.. tell us & we'll follow." As door after door closed, as person after person left our community, as every last dime of our savings was spent, we still didn't let go and surrender to the obvious - it was simply time to move on. If anything, Bill & I are insanely passionate and loyal people. When we commit to something, we're there to the bitter end. There are pros and cons to that of course, but I don't think we'd be authentically ourselves if we lived life any differently.

In August, we both knew it was time for us to leave Green Bay, but didn't know where or how.. As friends & mentors shared advice and prayer, Bill felt in his heart we would be blessed wherever we went; God simply wanted to know: what. did. WE. want. And that was a tough question. We had never considered our happiness in this journey. (Possibly a crazy concept for some of you, but after years of ministry & expecting sacrifice and suffering as part of the deal, I honestly had never considered God would want us happy.. I know, warped.)

So, we started thinking and dreaming. For Bill, pursuing his doctorate and becoming a full-time writer topped his list. For me, my heart longed for more opportunities with professional theater. For our kids, a place where their sensitivity, creativity and quirky-ness was celebrated and encouraged. We also knew we would need a faith community where we fit and that we could call home. Plus, being pastors, we knew it had to be a place that could challenge us, love us, and frankly, tolerate us as we took time to re-evaluate what we had just spent 20 years doing together. We prayed and began to consider Boston, Minneapolis or Seattle.

In October, "it just so happened" Bill was scheduled to go on retreat in CO. Then, we both had plans to attend our regional retreat in Green Lake, WI. Lastly, I was blessed with the opportunity to go on retreat as well with some fellow women pastors in Malibu (twist my arm.) It was an amazing 3 weeks of tuning out the chaos of our uncertainty and settling into the heartbeat of God. By the end of the month, we knew: Seattle. By the end of November, Bill was hired and given a generous bonus that allowed us to catch up on our mortgage as well as have a wonderful Christmas. Essentially, as soon as we took the first step of faith, we saw the path (cue scene: Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade). Once again, this holiday season has filled my heart with such hope and anticipation; where there was darkness, there is such clear and glorious light (very solstice appropriate).

Practically, what this looks like for us as a family: Bill will be moving to the Seattle area (Issaquah, specifically) Jan. 6. He'll be Director of Operations for Green Bay Custom Theater by day and blogger/philosopher/writer by night. In June, after the school year ends, the kids and I will follow. Please remember us during the transition. Six months is a long time for Bill to be away from the kids and they're a little nervous about that. Prepping the house to sell is not something I'm looking forward to, although I'm actually excited about purging the junk and simplifying our lives. And did I mention how much I HATE moving?? But I digress..

Anyway, thanks to FB, skype, txting, you're all only a technological beat away. Please keep in touch. Bill won't admit it, but he really appreciates hearing from you. And, since I'm basically single-mom-ing it till June, I'd love to see you when I can. Of course, I'll most likely put you to work.. ;p

May your 2012 be filled with joy, hope, & love overflowing ~

Something I was thinking about

Enter God's kingdom through the narrow gate. The gate is large and the road is wide that lead to death and hell. Many people go that way. But the gate is small and the road is narrow that lead to life. Only a few people find it. (MT.7:13-14, NIrV)


A couple years ago, I started on this personal journey of health that lead me to recalibrate and re-align my focus on pursuing who God intended me to be. As with most journeys, my enthusiasm began to lag about a year or so into it and I fell back into some similar relating patterns and habits. The problem was, I had tasted the freedom that comes with pursuing total health and began to get a glimpse of my true self, that I knew I didn't really fit in those old clothes or patterns anyway. It was a very confusing and at times painful time.


Until recently when my husband began his own journey and began walking in that glorious freedom and health himself. Initially, there was mutual discomfort as our process of molting began, but more and more we've become on the same page and feel ourselves being restored.


This led me to wonder: what if when Jesus referenced the narrow gate in His time and used it as an analogy that His friends understood, that He was speaking of become whole and complete? That we are to surrender our brokenness or our sin or our hurt (however you define that) and let go of those defensive patterns that keep us protected from each other. What if the narrow way is balance and health?


When I think of the concept of the broad way, the large and wide road that leads to death, I think of my selfish impulses; my greed, my anger, my "spoiled-brat" attitude that leads me to isolate. Why do I think of that? Because I see that as integral to my human nature. Not that I wasn't created pure or intended for goodness, but a ALOT of sh*t happens in life. I am slimed and weighed down by it daily. It clouds any hopeful perceptions I might have and blocks the truth of God's love for me.


My inward journey, as my husband's, has been to reconnect my heart to the One who knows me and to pursue His perfect plan for me. It has been a helluva mountain to climb. At every crossroads, I almost always want to run the other way and ignore the "better" choice or healthier pursuit. Ironically, what I'm running from is my own dreams or passions. So, I keep essentially choosing to live fearfully. Why? Because it's easier and it seems to hurt less. I think it hurts less, because disappointment and failure is what I am familiar with; I don't know what it's like to live in abundance or magical expectation anymore. But the truth is, it doesn't hurt less. Like a cancer, it quietly takes over and separates me from others and from my Creator.


So what if, like a balance beam, the narrow way is one small precise step in front of the other within a four inch wide path? What if that's what true health is about - being that clear and concise and direct? When a gymnast loses focus or wavers to the left or right, she falls off the beam. For me, frankly, it would be easier and more comfortable to get off that beam and walk however, wherever, or whenever I want. I'll get there, when I get there. But to stay within that narrow way and in balance, it's.. awkward and even tricky at times.

2 years later

hello & here we are again. crazy as i read my post from 2 years ago how sadly,nothing has really changed. ministry is a lonely call and truly i had no understanding of that when i answered, yes. for the past two years i have struggled to discover myself & reclaim my identity and respond to the desires of my heart that christ placed w/in me. in some ways, this struggle has born fruit: i've become reconnected to theater.. but still i am so uncertain as to how one heart can be so passionate about performing and so certain about faith that i've got to invite others into it. i always feel in conflict. i want my worlds to merge; but i don't know how. i mean, i think i want them to merge. i question if ever i could integrate the two and be an authentic, complete being ~ i don't know. perhaps b/c of that conflict is why i feel stuck and often lonely. i cannot seem to allow myself to fully embrace one world or the other.

honestly, if i had to choose, i would choose my theater life. i feel in that space i can be closer to my soulful self and it's refreshing to not be spiritually responsible for anyone. and that's the burden that has nearly swallowed me again - the absolute dependence that people place on me as a pastor to solve every issue at any time. i suppose it's just further evidence of how broken, lost & desperate folks are.. they're frozen in some childhood place - when their dad left, when their mom began to drink, when the abuse started, when grandma died, when they graduated high school, etc. they never learned how to mature spiritually or emotionally as they developed physically; so they keep doing what they've always done honestly expecting different results.. they hop from church to church, religion to religion, getting spoon fed the latest words of inspiration that temporarily heal the latest scab like an old band-aid. but eventually, that band-aid needs to be changed and that wound needs to be looked at.. but the true journey for wholeness is too much.. once again, the question is asked, "do you want to get well?" and no; no one truly wants to travel down that road. friendships then become awkward. there's too much anxiety or stress in coming to church. and even though they know others have abandoned this ship - that's not what's happening with them.. they just need time, etc, etc, etc.

so where to go from here? is it possible to find friendships in ministry or should i simply continue to be a soul divided? *sigh*

shifts, changes, and longings

another move, another space; it's not my home but it still brings up all the same muck. all the reminders of my unstable and unsettled youth and brings to service all the faithful and steady insecurities. reminds me of all those longings i try to ignore, forget; sifts the dirt so that's all back at the top. those aches in my heart that i push off and placate with busyness, with food, with the ever consistent sarcastic defense mechanism. ah, yes, those hidden longings for being home and being rooted and having a life long connection to someone permanent; someone who gets it and gets me. jesus, where is my ruth? where is a jonathan-like couple for us? is it really just us alone on this mission, forging ahead for the sake of everyone else? really? you know my heart oh god, you created my inmost being... when will this ache be satisfied? where are my soul-friendships?

jealousy

Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
Exodus 34:14

this has always been a unique thought to me -- God so jealous for my attention that He is relentless to get it. yet, jealousy, is not a godly characteristic. so how does that work? i love the thought of a passionate and desperate love that would sacrifice everything for me; i mean, that's the essence of every great love story. the man who will go thru fire, hell, even death to chase and pursue and eventually find or save his love. yet how is that ok? jealousy is NOT a part of who i want to be. how does this tension work? i know i don't want it in my heart or my mind because it's all i dwell on and nearly obsess over. how do i make the switch and allow that jealousy to turn to motivation? or is there something deeper? what lies behind the jealousy? the desire for security? aknowledgment? value? what is it ultimately i am looking for and need?

just because

I've been feeling this pressing need or nudging from God to pray. What's funny about that is I've been keeping myself so busy and taking on tasks, knowing I need direction & guidance from the big G; yet not praying. And even when I do pray, I come with my agenda... my requests... my lists of things to be answered. Than this morning I was reminded of sometimes prayer isn't about me & my needs but spending time with the Lord for no other reason but just because. It was in that place that I spent time dwelling in his presence & pondering the goodness & depth of his character that I remembered this God of mine, is not single-faceted or one dimensional and he loves me; just because. He desires me, just because. He cares to spend time with me & share his secrets for me, just because. And sometimes, he wants me to do the same. To come to him, love him, honor him, bless him... just because.

de-cluttering

I feel since my dad's death, or shortly thereafter, God has been calling me to simplify & get rid of the clutter in my life. At first glance, that probably sounds like a standard New Year's resolution. But I haven't taken this lightly and it hasn't been easy. It starts with my weight and my relationship to food. I've let that block or clutter the clear passage to wholeness. It's like layer after layer, pound after pound has strengthened the fortress of protection around myself -- to the point where I'm unclear what I actually feel or think. And sometimes, I just don't and I don't even want to try & feel or think.

Then there's the stuff. And for me, I've noticed, it's not so much physical stuff as it is mental stuff. I will fill my time & attention with various media; I think again to block out any feeling or emotion or thought. The question is why. Has ministry and faith become so routine that I've dulled my senses to the awareness of God? Is that even possible? Or am I hiding (trying to hide) from the One who should know me so well? Maybe I'm just tired of healing and not having arrived yet. I don't know.

I do know that I need to simply the clutter though; literally & metaphorically. The house is getting better but there's still so much to do. Spiritually & emotionally, I feel the same. As my relationship with food is changing & healing, I sense the rest coming into focus and in line. But there's still such a long way to go. Perhaps my prayer needs to be that I don't give up or give in but truly persevere. I've never been one for marathons though. Can I do it?

a fresh beginning

well, it's been forever since i blogged anything or certainly thought about anything. i've been on quite a journey over the past 6 or so months. my father died, my mom has slipped into dementia and i resigned from my job as chaplain at a local hospital. as i turned 39 this past fall, i was so aware of my discontent -- everything needed to change. so, i'm in a process of healing (again). rather, i like to look at it as a being on a journey of connectedness. sin, pain, or whatever you want to call the crap that happens to us as we grow from childhood to adulthood pulls away at the pieces of our soul and i believe an essential part of accepting the gospel, the good news, declared by jesus of nazareth, is allowing our heart, mind, and soul to re-connect and integrate into the whole image it was originally intended.

so, i'm starting fresh and i think i'm supposed to journal for awhile my thoughts. and since i can't find my journal amidst the dust bunnies under the bed, i guess i'm blogging.

Already???

I let Grace go to a sleepover the other night and was informed that she was going shopping. The plan was to go to the mall. Are you kidding me??? Already? She's just going into 4th grade! She came home w/ her first "label" wear but fortunately, the little girl in her also spent money on her "build-a-bear" bear. I can't get over how fast they really do grow up.

I'm intense

Ok, I know I'm intense. It became SO obvious this past Sunday when Bill & I attended Eli's end-of-season baseball party. It was 3 hours of so of nothing but small talk; like literally we never got pass "this Wisconsin weather." Two things I learned from that:

A) I'm intense! And I can make small talk when in a pinch, but 3 hours?? I even threw the bait to everyone there - "and what do you do for a living?" NO ONE TOOK IT. No one from E's team knows what we do! Fortunately, Eli will see these kids in the fall again when going to school. Maybe then they'll ask.

B) Bill & I hang out with A LOT of Christians. In some ways the break was nice. No need to feel self conscious or vulnerable or emotionally naked. Just talkin about the weather. It was especially evident when word got out about another baseball party for an older league (middle school) was taking place at HOOTERS. People laughed in that "boys will be boys" sorta way and Bill & I dropped our mouths open. What, the Body Shop was booked? Yeah, everyone there had a story about the wings and did you know that Hooters gives free balloons to the kids? Just like Red Robin.

Anyway, I guess it takes someone with my intensity to deal with the shit I do at work (see below) and still love my kids and keep up w/ my husband. It may just be the way it is. It was just interesting to see this perspective.

39

She was my age
Watched her boy play baseball
Just the other day

Said her gut was tight
Felt a burning
Pain down her left arm

Too young for the heart
Twice in the past 10 days
Doc said it was just reflux

Then this morning
Just needed to lay down ---
Never woke up

Dad at work
11 year old found her
9 year old smiled & cried, smiled & cried

This is one time death still stings

Lars and the Real Girl

Finally saw this movie last night! It's a beautiful and powerful story of extending grace to someone's healing process to the point of near silliness. In scene after scene there was nothing but abounding mercy & grace for this broken soul who did not know how to heal or get the help needed for healing. What a lesson in caring for someone while they're in process. Try & see it if you can; otherwise wait till September. I'm thinking it will be the first of Adullam's Film Series in the fall. I needed this flick.

What's up

In my weakness I find
That your strength knows no bounds

And in my loneliness I find
That the everlasting arms surround me

And even with this fragile heart
I find a place to rest here, safe where you are

And I am falling into grace again
And I am running where mercy never ends
Lord I'm learning that your love can cover me
You are teaching me what a child is meant to be

Kathryn Scott
2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)

Answered prayers

I always find it amusing how God chooses to answer prayers and work out his plan or purposes in my life. For instance, a distant cousin (by marriage) received news that his sister (in St. Louis) was dying. He traveled there (from Waupaca) in time to see her still alive and spend some treasured moment with her before she died. While there, he had a heart attack, underwent quintuple bypass surgery and is rehabbing in a nursing home in St. Louis. He has no family with him in Waupaca, so if the attack would have occurred there, he very well could be dead along w/ his sis. But he was in St. Louis with extended family who were able to get him the care he needs.

In my life, I've been battling with my husband & personal demons over the reality of my discontent. My heart's prayer has been for over a month now that God would get to the core and heal me; so that I can feel him alive in my life and appreciate the people in my life to the fullest. There's been a lot of grief felt for years of a wasted life and anger at people who I blame as the source -- of course they're not, but I like having a target. I guess it's good to release it; stuffing it hasn't really been working. Ironically though, I really struggle with trusting people and the soul searching I have to do is forcing me to be publicly vulnerable. I feel so stupid though because I feel so numb & disconnected.

Anyway, things have gotten so intense that they're finally spilling out. The cat's out of the bag & people are starting to notice how jacked up I am (or so I presume). So I'm forced to lay it all bare. The question still lingers though in my mind: will they honestly be able to handle it all when it comes out? That's the deepest fear, isn't it? Who's left when it's all said & done? That's the problem with all this faith in Jesus stuff -- you gotta die on a cross before you get that new life.