hello & here we are again. crazy as i read my post from 2 years ago how sadly,nothing has really changed. ministry is a lonely call and truly i had no understanding of that when i answered, yes. for the past two years i have struggled to discover myself & reclaim my identity and respond to the desires of my heart that christ placed w/in me. in some ways, this struggle has born fruit: i've become reconnected to theater.. but still i am so uncertain as to how one heart can be so passionate about performing and so certain about faith that i've got to invite others into it. i always feel in conflict. i want my worlds to merge; but i don't know how. i mean, i think i want them to merge. i question if ever i could integrate the two and be an authentic, complete being ~ i don't know. perhaps b/c of that conflict is why i feel stuck and often lonely. i cannot seem to allow myself to fully embrace one world or the other.
honestly, if i had to choose, i would choose my theater life. i feel in that space i can be closer to my soulful self and it's refreshing to not be spiritually responsible for anyone. and that's the burden that has nearly swallowed me again - the absolute dependence that people place on me as a pastor to solve every issue at any time. i suppose it's just further evidence of how broken, lost & desperate folks are.. they're frozen in some childhood place - when their dad left, when their mom began to drink, when the abuse started, when grandma died, when they graduated high school, etc. they never learned how to mature spiritually or emotionally as they developed physically; so they keep doing what they've always done honestly expecting different results.. they hop from church to church, religion to religion, getting spoon fed the latest words of inspiration that temporarily heal the latest scab like an old band-aid. but eventually, that band-aid needs to be changed and that wound needs to be looked at.. but the true journey for wholeness is too much.. once again, the question is asked, "do you want to get well?" and no; no one truly wants to travel down that road. friendships then become awkward. there's too much anxiety or stress in coming to church. and even though they know others have abandoned this ship - that's not what's happening with them.. they just need time, etc, etc, etc.
so where to go from here? is it possible to find friendships in ministry or should i simply continue to be a soul divided? *sigh*
1 comment:
Hi Theresa,
I'm Josh Harkins.
I attended the last service at Adullam and have e-mailed Bill a few times so I checked out your blog and have a few thoughts to share on this post.
Here goes.
Let me first say that the music and energy of the gathering this past Sunday was AWESOME. I know there's a price to pay for all the devotiona nd skill that obviously goes into your family's contribution to this church. It's obvious and I'm grateful for it...so Thank you.
ok. here it really goes.
I work as a case manager for people with chronic, persisant, acute mental illness. This is similar to pastoring because there's a serious, implicit expectation that you lead people who need you from a painful existance towards a source of repair and wholeness. While I myself am not that source, if I'm not careful, I may be percived as one. I play the role of a family member, a friend, an advocate and a caregiver. This is draining and confusing work, but it's usually not boring, and I am a crisis junkie.
Working with people is messy. I think of many other things that would pay better or that I could leave at work when I punch out, but the people I help stay in my head and their pain and lonliness and desperation follow me everywhere. The desperation this has made me feel lead me to Christ more than once. I am grateful for this. Unexpressably grateful. I am often hunbled by my client's will to survive in a world that seems to hate them.
If you're feeling split, and torn and exhausted, then you need to find balance and also, take care of yourself better. I know this from experience, and I suspect you've heard it before. Something else. I KNOW you know this, and I have just recently rediscovered it, but I'm compelled to say it anyhow. You need to surrender.
You're never going to be everything to everyone, so some things will be left behind and your priorities need to be clear so that your life is an expression of your values. When a person lives contrarily to their values, the internal friction grows and the conflict is what gets expressed. This causes shame, confusion and will lead us away from what we know we need. Surrender.
I'm basically "saying" this to hear myself say it. It's trite, but I have often forgotten this and it took me through alcoholism, addiction, a failed marriage, a bankruptcy and losing my house. I finally, through attriction, rediscovered that I was simply too weak to keep lying to myself about what I was capable of, and willing to do.
Love will prevail. Let go to it. Put your relationships to your creator, your loved ones and your concience first. The rest will follow.
That's what I've learned so far. I'm excited to see where it leads, and while often it's the hardest thing to do, it's the only thing to we can do.
I'll pray for you. If you would, could you pray for me too?
Be well. Thank you.
-Josh
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