A friend

I have this interesting friend at work. She's visited Adullam once, even enjoyed it; but essentially feels she's not there yet. OK, fair enough. What's ironic though, is any time there's crap stressing her out at work or home, she asks for prayer. Like one night, I saw on the callerID that she had called and when I returned her call, she told me she had a horrible headache and needed me to pray with her. Today, she had to go to the doctor and have some in clinic procedure done and she was tripping out. She wanted me to pray with her, walk w/ her to the doc's office, and hang in the WR till she went in.

Such a trip. I'm totally unabashedly bold with her about Jesus and yet she's totally living in a way that some may call "sinful;" and yet, she still comes for prayer.

She just sensed it

So I was pretty exasperated today & flat out bummed. I think it's a combo of hormones & tiredness, plus the fact my husband was gone the majority of the week... anyway, Billiam & I have been trying for a few weeks to get some time for a grown-up night out and time after time, something's come up. This weekend we were trying again and we were just not connecting on which night and what we would do... we were then bickering and well, missing the point. All I know, is I was in need of rejuvination.

My neighbor, Lora, thru the power of the heavenlies, must have sensed this and called me right as I was beginning to work up the strength to bathe my children (trust me, it's exhausting). She offered to take Maggie for a little solo time during which she bathed & fed the little critter. Eli stayed back with me (Grace is spending the night @ a friend's). Bathing him & feeding him was actually enjoyable. FYI - if you haven't experienced an evening with my darlings and are curious, please review my blog dated 12/13/06. Make note of how creative they can be when overtired and overstimulated.

Anyway, my point is I'm so grateful for having a woman, a sistah, who gets it and knows when I need a little help. It seriously made a world of difference -- for all of us.

For the junkies

Hey Lora... Hey Cat... Hey Holly...

luv you ~ t.

UGH!!!

I got so frickin angry at my kids tonight! Well 2 out of 3. Wanna guess who?? Here's the story: I'm in the kitchen working on dinner, Grace is practicing her piano, and I hear lots of silliness occuring behind door #1. I finish dinner, help Grace with one little bit of her music, go to open the closed door and suddenly witness the chaos that has ensued. Big E & M thought it would be great fun to take out all the clothes in her dresser, and pack them in every bag/ backpack they could find. I help an opposite opinion and proceeded to firmly announce that they do not get to eat until this is all cleaned up -- meaning clothes put away in drawers, toys off the floor... All I keep hearing though as I proceed to the kitchen to get dinner served is lots of giggling and a light-saber. I hollar again, get it done!! Once more, get it done!! And again, get it -- CRASH !!Suddenly Maggie's crying - the cry that makes one think, maybe somebody's bleeding this time -- I dash to the room only to find her dresser had fallen along with everything on top and within it.

Once I assessed the situation and realized that no one was bleeding or dead, I FREAKED!!!!!!!!!!! They seriously did some damage... broken glass... screwed up the dresser... I'm hoping my screams put the fear of God in them so such a nifty little idea never drifts into their dear little heads again. I'm not sure though b/c my son is all about calling me on right now for using the "F" word. Little sh#t.

Did I mention that Bill's out of town until Thursday?? This is only day one.

BTW, somebody comment... I'm starting to get a complex...

It's a beautiful thing

The people in our church, our community, are truly touching my heart. I'm amazed at how people are genuinely seeking each other out and becoming friends; sincere, authentic friends. As Lora would say, "it's a beautiful thing." Seriously, when Bill & I say, we're in awe of you all, we mean it. We never could imagine in our wildest dreams how this desire of a godly, committed, covenant community would actually feel. We kept getting a taste of it at different times in our journey, but it never quite clicked. I'm so grateful for God beating us up before and shaping our hearts into obedient hearts that seek Him first so that His kingdom could come and He's making this whole thing the way He wants. It's such a beautiful thing...

BTW - if you haven't yet ventured over to some of my friends linked to the right, please do so. You'll see what I mean.

God is amazing

I just have to take a moment & allow myself to attempt to realize how amazing my God is. Have you ever felt like that? Bill & I have been thru such a ragged-journey and genuinely questioned if we heard God right when we began this church plant and if we were even called to ministry. It's just so different this time. Failure, success, it doesn't matter, because He's in control and I'm starting to feel the flow. It's an amazing sensation when you stop fighting what He's doing and simply let Him do it. All those trials to make us obedient, to sharpen our senses, to still our hearts so we might hear His whispers... it's all worth it.

It's just been amazing.

PS - to my beloved friends in Adullam (and neighbors), thank you for being with us and becoming family. Seriously - we're seeing our dreams realized here. Thanks for being in my life.

End Times

I had this interesting epiphany yesterday. While at work, I was doing some research on organ donation. I'm on the hospital's Donor-Life Committee. Granted, some people have strong opinions about this but, hear me out... Many clergy refer to this whole process as a miracle. And I've been mulling over this: is it a miracle? Are we messing in God's territory? Shouldn't we be seeking a supernatural healing? And then it dawned on me -

As you go, preach this message: 'The kingdom of heaven is near.' Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. (Matthew 10:7-8)

People say that science & faith cannot exist. I think God has blessed us with a new way of healing; not that it replaces prayer -- if God wants to heal supernaturally, he will!! But how awesome is God that he allows us to participate with him in the healing thru the gift of medical technology. It's like a practical way the Kingdom of God is at hand. We're doing what he said we would do -- it just doesn't always look like we expect.

inspiring & convicting

Our Regional Overseer fowarded this to us yesterday. I found it both inspiring & convicting. In case you don't know, Rich Nathan is the Lead Pastor for Vineyard Columbus in Ohio. It's one of our community's largest and is truly making an impact on that city by getting involved in practical yet profound ways. Anyway, he's also a significant voice in shaping Vineyard theology. Read it & let me know your thoughts...

Note: The following is a condensed summary of the talk Pastor Rich Nathan delivered at the “Voting Our Values” rally last Thursday in Columbus, Ohio. A link to the full text appears at the end, or you can download audio of the entire speech (mp3).

As I travel around the country and interact with a wide variety of evangelical leaders, I have discovered a changing landscape. I believe we are going to see an entirely new trajectory for evangelical political involvement over the next decade. Let me tick off five developments among evangelical leaders and lay people that I am particularly grateful for.

First of all, I am grateful that there is a broadening of the list of people who are now considered spokespersons for the evangelical movement. There are lots of us evangelicals who have found ourselves increasingly uncomfortable with the media’s selection of a few people of decidedly conservative politics who are regularly called our spokespeople. Whenever I hear this handful of people talk, I think, "this person doesn’t speak for me."

...Second, I’m grateful that there is a broadening of the evangelical agenda beyond the two hot-button issues of abortion and gay marriage. Evangelicals are saying, “How did we ever allow ourselves to become convinced that the entirety of the biblical agenda for our political involvement can be reduced to just two things – abortion and gay marriage?”...It is also certainly the case that we, as a society, must provide necessary support for women and children, not only during the 9 months of pregnancy, but also after. But I have to be honest with you, and tell you that I was quite disappointed with the statement on abortion that is in the “Voting God’s Politics” brochure. While the statement regarding capital punishment is absolute and unequivocal, stating “our nation’s use of the death penalty should end,” the statement on abortion waffles and calls for “common ground policies that dramatically reduce the abortion rate.” We lawyers would say that the abortion statement contains “weasel words.” I believe the statement on abortion needs to be more absolute.

...Third, I’m grateful that evangelicals are moving away from our prior unreserved, unquestioning support for American military action around the world. Many evangelicals are now saying, “How did it come to be that we who claim to follow the Prince of Peace are stauncher advocates of war than any other demographic group in America?” And even those of us who do not come from a pacifist tradition, but rather a just-war tradition, have begun to ask, “How can some of our most recent wars be considered just?” You know, St. Augustine, the father of the just war tradition, said, “We Christians may, on occasion, legitimately go to war. But we always do so with great reluctance and with tears.” Many of us evangelicals have asked ourselves: Shouldn’t we Christians be the most difficult to convince, of any group of people, regarding the legitimacy of war? Shouldn’t we have the strongest presumption against war and require the government to have the highest burden of proof before we reluctantly, and with tears, go along with war?

...Fourth, I am grateful that I am witnessing a shift among evangelicals towards the view that with God’s help, it is possible to change this world. The traditional evangelical view of the world is that the world is hopelessly fallen. Or to use the great 19th century evangelist, D.L. Moody’s line, “The world has hit an iceberg and the ship is going down. The only thing we can do is pull as many people as possible into the life boats.” So, for a century, many evangelicals have believed that it is an absolute waste of time to try to improve this fallen world, since to do so would be like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. But without being naïve regarding the fallenness of this world, or the difficulty of change, there are many evangelicals who are saying, "World change is possible with God’s help."

...And fifth, I am grateful that many more evangelicals are saying, "We are not going to be in the pocket of any political party." We have woken up from our naiveté and we recognize that pre-election day promises have not translated into post-election day action. So the evangelical vote is more and more up for grabs. And that is a good thing!

Now, having stated what I’m grateful for, I need to briefly share with you three cautions regarding evangelical political involvement. I want you to notice, by the way, that my talk has more positives than negatives. The Puritans said that one of the measures of the truth of a sermon was that there would be more positives than negatives.

My first concern is to warn churches and pastors against partisan political involvements. It is impossible to be a biblical Christian without preaching on and working for justice, for the poor, or caring for the earth, or committing ourselves to peace-making, or committing ourselves to racial reconciliation, or being commitedly and consistently pro-life. But once churches and pastors begin to translate these broad value statements into very particular policy choices, we can unnecessarily divide the Body of Christ and obscure the gospel message.

...I’m also concerned when churches don’t realize that the church uses different language than the language of politics. … Churches ought to speak prophetic language, not political language. It is not wrong to speak the language of politics, the language of compromise and “half a loaf is better than none,” when we are in the political arena. But church is not that arena. In church we speak prophetic language, the language of kingdom absolutes and moral imperatives – the language of Fannie Lou Hamer and the prophets Amos and Jeremiah, and our Lord Jesus Christ.

...My third concern is that we Christians, whenever we engage in politics, remember the third and last clause of Micah 6:8. You remember Micah 6:8. “He has shown you, O people, what is good and what does the Lord require of you? To do justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” Christians in politics often focus on the first two statements: doing justice and loving mercy. But there is an atmosphere in which our doing justice and our loving of mercy needs to be practiced … if we Christians come towards this world as servants, bearing the basin and the towel; if we commit ourselves to doing what we believe to be the will of God with humility; if we approach each other with humility and a willingness to listen and be persuaded; to learn and to be reconcilers; if, in other words, we “walk humbly with God,” then we will be faithful witnesses to Christ and will be used by him to be healers of this world.

anonymous

I have issues with anonymity. It's almost cowardly to me. I guess there's a time & a place for it, but God gave us each a voice, an identity, a personality to use and use well. By that I mean, part of our evolution, our growth, as humans, let alone believers, is to become more & more of who we were originally created to be. When we choose fear, of any kind, we deny the possibility of God moving and acting in our life. That includes our opinions. You see, somehow, in this country, we've equated freedom of speech with the right to share whatever comes to mind, no matter how ridiculous and offensive. We clothe ourselves with this entitlement under the guise of anonymity and we convince ourselves that what we have to say is that important. And frankly, if we don't have the strength, the courage, the hutzpah to own what we say, is it really worth the air to say it out loud??? Is it really worth anyone's time to listen to.

Here lies my dilemma: yeah, there's a freedom in being anonymous, but there's no responsibility; and when there's no responsibility, there's no risk. No risk, no adversity, and therefore no growth. And if I'm unable to grow and move forward in this life, if I just stay at square 1, seriously, what kind of Christian am I? What kind of woman am I? What kind of person am I?

Only God knows

As you may or may not know, I work at Bellin Hospital as a chaplain and part of that job is being on call one wknd ea month. This was my weekend. Last night I was called in to be with a pt who was dying. The pt/family were Roman Catholic & requested that the pt receive the sacrament of the anointing of the sick. FYI - this is when the priest comes and anoints the pts head & hands w/ oil and prays. I've experienced this & it can be very powerful.

Anyway, I make the appropriate phone calls, get a priest to come in, and follow up with the family. They were very emotional. Turns out, the pt although elderly and battling cancer, wasn't expected to die as quickly as he was. He & his wife had met when she was 16 and had been married for 49 years. Well, based on my limited knowledge, I assumed the pt had a day of so to go. Therefore, I offered a little final encouragement and headed back home. No sooner had I turned on my street when my beeper proceeds to go off again. The pt had just died.

The nurse told me, as I called in, that the family requested me to return and so I did. His wife & kids, along w/ the rest of the family were devistated. You may be thinking, well, they knew he was dying... why were they so upset???

If I have learned anything over the past two years it's this: no matter how prepared you think you are for somebody to die, you're never really prepared for how final the death really is. And no matter how hard you try to predict when it will happen, only God knows the moment of our death.

I know this blog may sound kind of morbid, but I'm trying to express the comfort I have in the knowledge that only God knows. Whether it may be a birth or death or anything in between, only God knows what each day holds and I don't have to be consumed with anxiety or worry. He's got it covered. And that's a beautiful thing.

Chick Nite

I LOVE Thursday nites! Why?? It's chick nite & I love, LUV-LUV-LUV-LUV, getting together w/ da sistas!! It's so amazing when a group of women can get together and share honestly, authentically about life and God. Our group is so cool - we've got women in their 20s, 30s, 40s... some are married, some single, some divorced... w/ kids, w/o... it's just such a powerful and wonderful time to learn from ea other and simply be w/ ea other. There's no better way to be a woman than by hanging with other women, sharing with them, praying with them... so FABULOUS... I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!

We've been getting together for 6 wks (or so) now and we've reached that point where the external layers are coming off & the realness takes over. Every week I leave with so much to think about, thank God about... It's been along time since I've had this kind of connection w/a group of chickies. It's so nurturing. It's tending a part of my soul that was kinda wilty. I highly encourage everyone to do the same. Find some ladies, get some coffee, start meeting regularly, and just let the conversation flow. God will move & speak & change you.

Power in the WORD

I've been trying to change my speech lately. I can occasionally have a very foul mouth and worse can say some very hurtful things to the people I love -- particularly my children. And for them, it's not just what you say, but how you say it. They're very in tune with that. I know especially as a worship leader, I should be very cautious of what comes out of my mouth... you know, the leading people in praise and being (hopefully) a catalyst of the H.S. and what he's doing/saying during worship. But somehow, that responsibility hasn't been enough to cause a change. What really convicted me was a conversation I had w/ my boss at work one day. While discussing an entirely different subject, he made reference to Genesis 1 and how God created by simply speaking and it was through the POWER of his WORD that the universe was created.

Stop & meditate on that for a moment.

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE BEGAN WITH A WORD. That's intense; I don't care what anybody says. So, this got me thinking, especially w/ my kids; are my words being used to create & empower, or to destroy & demean? That day after work, I apologized to my babies & asked for their forgiveness for the times my words caused pain and committed to speak blessing and love into their lives.

Balance

It's crazy trying to juggle everything - family, church, work, marriage, self... FAITH. Sometimes I'm so busy with "life" that I can't find quality time w/ God. And then I'm stressing out b/c I have no sense of balance or peace. I never expected to be so busy when trying to plant a church. Isn't that crazy? I mean, for so long, it seemed like nothing was going on and then suddenly, or so it seems, we're in high gear and life is constantly going. I haven't quite adjusted though and I'm missing my time w/ Jesus.

Lord, help me to find the time, to make the time, to be with you. In you alone is where I find my peace, my hope, my assurance.

You know, I want to be a real lover of people -- not my usual self. I'm typically so reserved until I feel safe. But I don't want that anymore. I want to be free to love the people that come into my life... free w/o agenda. I think that's part of my struggle w/ feeling balanced & whole. I spend a lot of energy guarding myself as I invest in relationships. Ironic, isn't it? I'm so annoyed by the frivolous or shallow, but my stinking guard is up so strong and so high that by the time I decide to let somebody in, it's exhausting; and then I feel, literally, like I don't have a hold on anything else. So everything and everyone's at a safe distance. I feel in control and yet unbalanced.

Only in God be at rest my soul, for from him comes my strength. He alone is my rock, my safety, my stronghold; I shall not be moved.

I'm feeling stale

I'm feeling stale. Not sure why... Our church is growing, we have two small groups, children's ministry is becoming a problem... these are actually all good things. Yet, I feel... I don't know...

There are times when everything should be ok and then something isn't right. I can never figure it out it seems in time to do "the right thing" or respond/prevent. I'm always in some way disconnected. Church is good, finances suck... kids are healthy, but the dog is nuts... I'm always in some state of mess - laundry, dishes, more laundry, more dishes. This shouldn't affect me the way it does, but it does.

Life never seems to just flow.

Maybe my expectations are off and the lives I perceive others living aren't all as together as I think. Maybe I'm terrified of life flowing peacefully, free of anxiety. Maybe I'm just tired...

It just makes me sick

Watching so public a display of Ted Haggard's fall from grace is sickening. I say this not because what he has or has not done, but of what his wife & children must be going through. The husband or dad you thought you had a week ago is no longer the same man and that is a heartbreaking reality. I can only imagine the fallout. And why didn't someone in his position, claiming to seek God, why didn't he speak to someone about his temptations, his struggles, his anguish before now... before his family has been humiliated.

Unfortunately, America will watch this man and his family squirm amidst their vulnerability and embarrassment in a vicious and voyeurisitc way enthralled that "the mighty have fallen." All I can think about is his wife and kids... it just makes my stomach sick.

Holidays vs. Holy Days

I send my kids to this small, christian school; and I wrestle with this choice a couple of times during the year. I love the teachers and the principal. I know my kids are getting an amazing education, are getting equipped to become lifelong learners. And this school is passionate about faith and are true partners in raising my kids. This is one of those times though. Why? Halloween. Can I tell you how tired I am of people making WAY-TOO-BIG of a deal with this holiday?? Because frankly, it's just about the candy. If not, why are local churches throwing "Hallelujah parties" or sponsoring "Trunk-or-Treat?" So much of what they've created is based on a ridiculous mythology that was birthed from the pagan movement of the 1950s. History has shown us that really the women who were burned at the stake were not witches but rather midwives and strong, independent women. Also, the druids were simply like every other pre-Christ, fable-filled religion. It was simplistic and superstitious - not satanic.

So, my kids' school... the students aren't supposed to talk about Halloween...costumes, candy, anything. (Ironically, if we chose to send our kids to public school, they couldn't talk about Christmas & Easter!) It really tormented my 7 year old that she may be "partaking in the devil's birthday." And if you knew my Grace, she was sincerely concerned that she was sinning against God by wanting candy! My husband, who theolgizes at any & every opportunity, then began to speak to her on Romans 14 and how God gives each of us freedom to act & choose according to what our individual faith requires.

Or, say, one person thinks that some days should be set aside as holy and another thinks that each day is pretty much like any other. There are good reasons either way. So, each person is free to follow the convictions of conscience. (v.5, The Message)

And why does God do this, b/c God looks at the heart & judges accordingly.

Forget about deciding what's right for each other. Here's what you need to be concerned about: that you don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. I'm convinced—Jesus convinced me!—that everything as it is in itself is holy. (v.13, The Message)

Grace said she understood -- hopefully, in some way she did.

There's a real trick (no pun intended) to living in the world and not being of it; to loving people and being relatable, but still being holy and set apart. What kind of example am I day in, day out, to those who know the gospel, let alone those who don't! Am I salt & light, am I one who blesses, encourages, loves at all times? I just think that there's so much more to be concerned with as believers then to stress out over a little candy.

the amish way

Last week, a "civilian" entered an amish school in PA and executed 6 little girls. He then killed himself. The amish community, completely justified, could have lashed out to America with some judgemental statement and in essence separated themselves even more from the world. Instead, they met with the murderers' wife, brought her food and spoke forgiveness to her. They took notice of her present reality that she is a widow and alone with 3 children. When her husband had his funeral, 100 people attended. 50 or more of those were the amish.

The amish way is something we all should stop and seriously look at. There's a simplicity and humility toward life that is awe-inspiring. As well, there's an awareness of a Creator and a grateful submission therefore that they adhere to that is foreign to the majority of people in North America.

Embarrassingly, I have been judgemental of the amish and presumed that their separation from the world served no purpose. Dear God, was I wrong. Never before do I think I've heard the gospel proclaimed in a more clear or powerful way... in such a simple, profound, devoted, and authentic way.

In the words of Marvin Gaye...

What's goin on!!! 17 school shootings since the beginning of THIS school year. That's effed-up. There is something wrong w/ our society and our culture and it's so multi-layered, I don't know if we'll ever get to the root. In some ways I see it as the fault of such a thing as this - a blog - where any & everyone has the chance to freely spew whatever thoughts they care to w/ no concern of consequence. This amazing tool (the internet) has turned the world upside down and made neighbors out of continents and yet we become socially retarded exponentially day after day. We lock ourselves away before this 13/17/20 inch screen and think we're connecting to someone real as we chat the night away. We think we're free b/c the anonymity makes us feel uninhibited. We feel so righteous & satisfied as we shoot our opinions w/o interruption...

Something is wrong with us! 17 effing school shootings... When will we learn that the pain, the lonliness, the desparation doesn't go away no matter how many pills we take that day. And just b/c it's awkward to risk friendship after a certain age doesn't mean we seclude ourselves and watch hour after hour of "reality TV." People listen to Oprah and faithfully watch Dr. Phil, but they'll never leave their homes to interact with an actual live human being.

We were made for relationship people. Made to love God and love others. Somtimes the process of that sucks, b/c life is life and sh*t happens. We need to log off, turn off, disconnect and get out of the house and be with people. Say hello to a stranger, let somebody in front of you at the grocery store, talk about the weather, talk about anything, BUT STOP SHOOTING PEOPLE! I mean, seriously...

too much

How much is too much? I'm trying to figure this out. I'm a very empathetic person, almost too much, and so figuring out the balancing act of ministry & life is a struggle. Last week @ the hosp, a guy walked into my office, said he was looking for the chaplain; I confirmed. He then shared he had just tried to kill himself... I then spent the rest of my day hanging with him and talking and doing my part at that time to avert crisis and bring some hope and clarity. The good news is, he's still around this week. The other part of the story is everything else that's involved and frankly, this blog is not the time or place.

What I'm getting at is I get so emotionally involved that I'm struggling to let go. I know I'm not the saviour or healer here, but I want things to be better, NOW, and I want to be involved. I get frustrated that I'm not and I kind of obsess. My husband has commented on this. My struggle then is this: how much is too much? too much involvement... too much concern... too much time focused on it... how much???

I don't know how to separate myself sometimes. That sounds so unhealthy doesn't it? But if I lose that empathy, that concern and ignore my gut, my passion, what kind of minister will I be? What kind of believer?? How can I expect & anticipate the kingdom come if I'm not ready at any time? I reflect on the apostles and the earliest followers of Jesus and everything he asked of them. This is where my dilemma lies... I'm not sure there's any option but the one that gives too much when it comes to HIM.

Regret

My dad has never met my kids. In fact, prior to last Father's Day, I hadn't seen him since my wedding day over 13 yrs ago. I went to visit him last year after his wife (step-mom) died. It was a very pleasant and touching visit. We spent a wonderful couple of days together. Since then though, his health has rapidly deteriorated and I fear he won't make it till Christmas this year. He's in the process of beginning hemo-dialysis and and now needs 24 hr care.

Not sure what to think of it all. My co-workers are extremely supportive and eager to accomodate my schedule this summer so as to visit. Some church-going friends though ask about his salvation; and I don't know what to say. My whole concept of God's grace is not very traditional, I think. I'm just really trusting that he's so much more faithful and merciful then I can even imagine. But then if I chance it, will I regret not talking w/ him before he dies? Depending on the conversation, will I regret talking to him in the first place? He says he believes in Jesus as the Christ, reads scripture and meditates; but doesn't see the point in church. (Frankly, I don't blame him.)

So, should I be worried; should I not... should I be worried that I'm not worried about his soul? What to do...what to think...either way, regrets.