2 years later

hello & here we are again. crazy as i read my post from 2 years ago how sadly,nothing has really changed. ministry is a lonely call and truly i had no understanding of that when i answered, yes. for the past two years i have struggled to discover myself & reclaim my identity and respond to the desires of my heart that christ placed w/in me. in some ways, this struggle has born fruit: i've become reconnected to theater.. but still i am so uncertain as to how one heart can be so passionate about performing and so certain about faith that i've got to invite others into it. i always feel in conflict. i want my worlds to merge; but i don't know how. i mean, i think i want them to merge. i question if ever i could integrate the two and be an authentic, complete being ~ i don't know. perhaps b/c of that conflict is why i feel stuck and often lonely. i cannot seem to allow myself to fully embrace one world or the other.

honestly, if i had to choose, i would choose my theater life. i feel in that space i can be closer to my soulful self and it's refreshing to not be spiritually responsible for anyone. and that's the burden that has nearly swallowed me again - the absolute dependence that people place on me as a pastor to solve every issue at any time. i suppose it's just further evidence of how broken, lost & desperate folks are.. they're frozen in some childhood place - when their dad left, when their mom began to drink, when the abuse started, when grandma died, when they graduated high school, etc. they never learned how to mature spiritually or emotionally as they developed physically; so they keep doing what they've always done honestly expecting different results.. they hop from church to church, religion to religion, getting spoon fed the latest words of inspiration that temporarily heal the latest scab like an old band-aid. but eventually, that band-aid needs to be changed and that wound needs to be looked at.. but the true journey for wholeness is too much.. once again, the question is asked, "do you want to get well?" and no; no one truly wants to travel down that road. friendships then become awkward. there's too much anxiety or stress in coming to church. and even though they know others have abandoned this ship - that's not what's happening with them.. they just need time, etc, etc, etc.

so where to go from here? is it possible to find friendships in ministry or should i simply continue to be a soul divided? *sigh*

shifts, changes, and longings

another move, another space; it's not my home but it still brings up all the same muck. all the reminders of my unstable and unsettled youth and brings to service all the faithful and steady insecurities. reminds me of all those longings i try to ignore, forget; sifts the dirt so that's all back at the top. those aches in my heart that i push off and placate with busyness, with food, with the ever consistent sarcastic defense mechanism. ah, yes, those hidden longings for being home and being rooted and having a life long connection to someone permanent; someone who gets it and gets me. jesus, where is my ruth? where is a jonathan-like couple for us? is it really just us alone on this mission, forging ahead for the sake of everyone else? really? you know my heart oh god, you created my inmost being... when will this ache be satisfied? where are my soul-friendships?

jealousy

Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
Exodus 34:14

this has always been a unique thought to me -- God so jealous for my attention that He is relentless to get it. yet, jealousy, is not a godly characteristic. so how does that work? i love the thought of a passionate and desperate love that would sacrifice everything for me; i mean, that's the essence of every great love story. the man who will go thru fire, hell, even death to chase and pursue and eventually find or save his love. yet how is that ok? jealousy is NOT a part of who i want to be. how does this tension work? i know i don't want it in my heart or my mind because it's all i dwell on and nearly obsess over. how do i make the switch and allow that jealousy to turn to motivation? or is there something deeper? what lies behind the jealousy? the desire for security? aknowledgment? value? what is it ultimately i am looking for and need?

just because

I've been feeling this pressing need or nudging from God to pray. What's funny about that is I've been keeping myself so busy and taking on tasks, knowing I need direction & guidance from the big G; yet not praying. And even when I do pray, I come with my agenda... my requests... my lists of things to be answered. Than this morning I was reminded of sometimes prayer isn't about me & my needs but spending time with the Lord for no other reason but just because. It was in that place that I spent time dwelling in his presence & pondering the goodness & depth of his character that I remembered this God of mine, is not single-faceted or one dimensional and he loves me; just because. He desires me, just because. He cares to spend time with me & share his secrets for me, just because. And sometimes, he wants me to do the same. To come to him, love him, honor him, bless him... just because.

de-cluttering

I feel since my dad's death, or shortly thereafter, God has been calling me to simplify & get rid of the clutter in my life. At first glance, that probably sounds like a standard New Year's resolution. But I haven't taken this lightly and it hasn't been easy. It starts with my weight and my relationship to food. I've let that block or clutter the clear passage to wholeness. It's like layer after layer, pound after pound has strengthened the fortress of protection around myself -- to the point where I'm unclear what I actually feel or think. And sometimes, I just don't and I don't even want to try & feel or think.

Then there's the stuff. And for me, I've noticed, it's not so much physical stuff as it is mental stuff. I will fill my time & attention with various media; I think again to block out any feeling or emotion or thought. The question is why. Has ministry and faith become so routine that I've dulled my senses to the awareness of God? Is that even possible? Or am I hiding (trying to hide) from the One who should know me so well? Maybe I'm just tired of healing and not having arrived yet. I don't know.

I do know that I need to simply the clutter though; literally & metaphorically. The house is getting better but there's still so much to do. Spiritually & emotionally, I feel the same. As my relationship with food is changing & healing, I sense the rest coming into focus and in line. But there's still such a long way to go. Perhaps my prayer needs to be that I don't give up or give in but truly persevere. I've never been one for marathons though. Can I do it?

a fresh beginning

well, it's been forever since i blogged anything or certainly thought about anything. i've been on quite a journey over the past 6 or so months. my father died, my mom has slipped into dementia and i resigned from my job as chaplain at a local hospital. as i turned 39 this past fall, i was so aware of my discontent -- everything needed to change. so, i'm in a process of healing (again). rather, i like to look at it as a being on a journey of connectedness. sin, pain, or whatever you want to call the crap that happens to us as we grow from childhood to adulthood pulls away at the pieces of our soul and i believe an essential part of accepting the gospel, the good news, declared by jesus of nazareth, is allowing our heart, mind, and soul to re-connect and integrate into the whole image it was originally intended.

so, i'm starting fresh and i think i'm supposed to journal for awhile my thoughts. and since i can't find my journal amidst the dust bunnies under the bed, i guess i'm blogging.

Already???

I let Grace go to a sleepover the other night and was informed that she was going shopping. The plan was to go to the mall. Are you kidding me??? Already? She's just going into 4th grade! She came home w/ her first "label" wear but fortunately, the little girl in her also spent money on her "build-a-bear" bear. I can't get over how fast they really do grow up.

I'm intense

Ok, I know I'm intense. It became SO obvious this past Sunday when Bill & I attended Eli's end-of-season baseball party. It was 3 hours of so of nothing but small talk; like literally we never got pass "this Wisconsin weather." Two things I learned from that:

A) I'm intense! And I can make small talk when in a pinch, but 3 hours?? I even threw the bait to everyone there - "and what do you do for a living?" NO ONE TOOK IT. No one from E's team knows what we do! Fortunately, Eli will see these kids in the fall again when going to school. Maybe then they'll ask.

B) Bill & I hang out with A LOT of Christians. In some ways the break was nice. No need to feel self conscious or vulnerable or emotionally naked. Just talkin about the weather. It was especially evident when word got out about another baseball party for an older league (middle school) was taking place at HOOTERS. People laughed in that "boys will be boys" sorta way and Bill & I dropped our mouths open. What, the Body Shop was booked? Yeah, everyone there had a story about the wings and did you know that Hooters gives free balloons to the kids? Just like Red Robin.

Anyway, I guess it takes someone with my intensity to deal with the shit I do at work (see below) and still love my kids and keep up w/ my husband. It may just be the way it is. It was just interesting to see this perspective.

39

She was my age
Watched her boy play baseball
Just the other day

Said her gut was tight
Felt a burning
Pain down her left arm

Too young for the heart
Twice in the past 10 days
Doc said it was just reflux

Then this morning
Just needed to lay down ---
Never woke up

Dad at work
11 year old found her
9 year old smiled & cried, smiled & cried

This is one time death still stings

Lars and the Real Girl

Finally saw this movie last night! It's a beautiful and powerful story of extending grace to someone's healing process to the point of near silliness. In scene after scene there was nothing but abounding mercy & grace for this broken soul who did not know how to heal or get the help needed for healing. What a lesson in caring for someone while they're in process. Try & see it if you can; otherwise wait till September. I'm thinking it will be the first of Adullam's Film Series in the fall. I needed this flick.

What's up

In my weakness I find
That your strength knows no bounds

And in my loneliness I find
That the everlasting arms surround me

And even with this fragile heart
I find a place to rest here, safe where you are

And I am falling into grace again
And I am running where mercy never ends
Lord I'm learning that your love can cover me
You are teaching me what a child is meant to be

Kathryn Scott
2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)

Answered prayers

I always find it amusing how God chooses to answer prayers and work out his plan or purposes in my life. For instance, a distant cousin (by marriage) received news that his sister (in St. Louis) was dying. He traveled there (from Waupaca) in time to see her still alive and spend some treasured moment with her before she died. While there, he had a heart attack, underwent quintuple bypass surgery and is rehabbing in a nursing home in St. Louis. He has no family with him in Waupaca, so if the attack would have occurred there, he very well could be dead along w/ his sis. But he was in St. Louis with extended family who were able to get him the care he needs.

In my life, I've been battling with my husband & personal demons over the reality of my discontent. My heart's prayer has been for over a month now that God would get to the core and heal me; so that I can feel him alive in my life and appreciate the people in my life to the fullest. There's been a lot of grief felt for years of a wasted life and anger at people who I blame as the source -- of course they're not, but I like having a target. I guess it's good to release it; stuffing it hasn't really been working. Ironically though, I really struggle with trusting people and the soul searching I have to do is forcing me to be publicly vulnerable. I feel so stupid though because I feel so numb & disconnected.

Anyway, things have gotten so intense that they're finally spilling out. The cat's out of the bag & people are starting to notice how jacked up I am (or so I presume). So I'm forced to lay it all bare. The question still lingers though in my mind: will they honestly be able to handle it all when it comes out? That's the deepest fear, isn't it? Who's left when it's all said & done? That's the problem with all this faith in Jesus stuff -- you gotta die on a cross before you get that new life.

God's Anointed

So apparently, James Dobson has started railing against Obama and specifically calling into question his (Obama's) faith:

"I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own world view, his own confused theology," Mr Dobson said. He took exception to Mr Obama stating that Jesus's Sermon on the Mount was "a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defence Department would survive its application".

Ironically, back in January, Dobson also shared his opinion on McCain:

"Speaking as a private individual, I would not vote for John McCain under any circumstances," said James Dobson.

O my, oh my, whatever will we evangelicals do?? Think for ourselves? Pray for the HS guidance in our individual decision? Wait a minute... that's crazy! Pretty soon we might think we can read the Bible on our own & hear God speaking to us directly.

sometimes

sometimes people really drive me nuts. i know i need to show forbearance & maturity, but they just drive me insane w/ their behaviors & issues. i'm not sure which is more annoying: the fact people make choices that get under my skin or the predictability of those choices and following behavior.


ugh. i'm a bad pastor.

Grey Street

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey


- Dave Matthews Band

Hello, lover...

Just saw SEX AND THE CITY. So brilliant! Me & 5 gay guys (there's a sight!) Why can't I find that kind of sisterhood w/believers? Maybe it's a New York thing.

I'm pretty sure if I had to pick one to be, I'd be Miranda and Bill is so Steve. Not that she's who I want to be, but I think it's the truth.

Such a fabulous phenomenon the show/movie is. Captured a sense of women that I've rarely seen or known in Christian circles. There may be something we can learn here, girls.

It's funny

how things that were important years ago, no longer are...

how people you thought you knew, you don't...

how a certain kind of faith was so sure, and is now so false...

how stuff that amused and entertained, is so boring...

how ideas that used to be stupid now make sense...

how dreams that were unclear are piercing and insisting their reality...

how every time I think the journey's moving along, I'm find myself at the end of the line...

mmm...

Prayer of Patrick

Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down
Christ when I sit down
Christ when I arise
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me

One

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

- U2

Silence

There is a silence where hath been no sound,

There is a silence where no sound may be,

In the cold grave—under the deep, deep sea,

Or in wide desert where no life is found,

Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;

No voice is hush’d—no life treads silently,

But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,

That never spoke, over the idle ground:

But in green ruins, in the desolate walls

Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,

Though the dun fox or wild hyæna calls,

And owls, that flit continually between,

Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan—

There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

- Thomas Hood