I'm intense

Ok, I know I'm intense. It became SO obvious this past Sunday when Bill & I attended Eli's end-of-season baseball party. It was 3 hours of so of nothing but small talk; like literally we never got pass "this Wisconsin weather." Two things I learned from that:

A) I'm intense! And I can make small talk when in a pinch, but 3 hours?? I even threw the bait to everyone there - "and what do you do for a living?" NO ONE TOOK IT. No one from E's team knows what we do! Fortunately, Eli will see these kids in the fall again when going to school. Maybe then they'll ask.

B) Bill & I hang out with A LOT of Christians. In some ways the break was nice. No need to feel self conscious or vulnerable or emotionally naked. Just talkin about the weather. It was especially evident when word got out about another baseball party for an older league (middle school) was taking place at HOOTERS. People laughed in that "boys will be boys" sorta way and Bill & I dropped our mouths open. What, the Body Shop was booked? Yeah, everyone there had a story about the wings and did you know that Hooters gives free balloons to the kids? Just like Red Robin.

Anyway, I guess it takes someone with my intensity to deal with the shit I do at work (see below) and still love my kids and keep up w/ my husband. It may just be the way it is. It was just interesting to see this perspective.

39

She was my age
Watched her boy play baseball
Just the other day

Said her gut was tight
Felt a burning
Pain down her left arm

Too young for the heart
Twice in the past 10 days
Doc said it was just reflux

Then this morning
Just needed to lay down ---
Never woke up

Dad at work
11 year old found her
9 year old smiled & cried, smiled & cried

This is one time death still stings

Lars and the Real Girl

Finally saw this movie last night! It's a beautiful and powerful story of extending grace to someone's healing process to the point of near silliness. In scene after scene there was nothing but abounding mercy & grace for this broken soul who did not know how to heal or get the help needed for healing. What a lesson in caring for someone while they're in process. Try & see it if you can; otherwise wait till September. I'm thinking it will be the first of Adullam's Film Series in the fall. I needed this flick.

What's up

In my weakness I find
That your strength knows no bounds

And in my loneliness I find
That the everlasting arms surround me

And even with this fragile heart
I find a place to rest here, safe where you are

And I am falling into grace again
And I am running where mercy never ends
Lord I'm learning that your love can cover me
You are teaching me what a child is meant to be

Kathryn Scott
2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)

Answered prayers

I always find it amusing how God chooses to answer prayers and work out his plan or purposes in my life. For instance, a distant cousin (by marriage) received news that his sister (in St. Louis) was dying. He traveled there (from Waupaca) in time to see her still alive and spend some treasured moment with her before she died. While there, he had a heart attack, underwent quintuple bypass surgery and is rehabbing in a nursing home in St. Louis. He has no family with him in Waupaca, so if the attack would have occurred there, he very well could be dead along w/ his sis. But he was in St. Louis with extended family who were able to get him the care he needs.

In my life, I've been battling with my husband & personal demons over the reality of my discontent. My heart's prayer has been for over a month now that God would get to the core and heal me; so that I can feel him alive in my life and appreciate the people in my life to the fullest. There's been a lot of grief felt for years of a wasted life and anger at people who I blame as the source -- of course they're not, but I like having a target. I guess it's good to release it; stuffing it hasn't really been working. Ironically though, I really struggle with trusting people and the soul searching I have to do is forcing me to be publicly vulnerable. I feel so stupid though because I feel so numb & disconnected.

Anyway, things have gotten so intense that they're finally spilling out. The cat's out of the bag & people are starting to notice how jacked up I am (or so I presume). So I'm forced to lay it all bare. The question still lingers though in my mind: will they honestly be able to handle it all when it comes out? That's the deepest fear, isn't it? Who's left when it's all said & done? That's the problem with all this faith in Jesus stuff -- you gotta die on a cross before you get that new life.

God's Anointed

So apparently, James Dobson has started railing against Obama and specifically calling into question his (Obama's) faith:

"I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own world view, his own confused theology," Mr Dobson said. He took exception to Mr Obama stating that Jesus's Sermon on the Mount was "a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defence Department would survive its application".

Ironically, back in January, Dobson also shared his opinion on McCain:

"Speaking as a private individual, I would not vote for John McCain under any circumstances," said James Dobson.

O my, oh my, whatever will we evangelicals do?? Think for ourselves? Pray for the HS guidance in our individual decision? Wait a minute... that's crazy! Pretty soon we might think we can read the Bible on our own & hear God speaking to us directly.

sometimes

sometimes people really drive me nuts. i know i need to show forbearance & maturity, but they just drive me insane w/ their behaviors & issues. i'm not sure which is more annoying: the fact people make choices that get under my skin or the predictability of those choices and following behavior.


ugh. i'm a bad pastor.

Grey Street

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey


- Dave Matthews Band

Hello, lover...

Just saw SEX AND THE CITY. So brilliant! Me & 5 gay guys (there's a sight!) Why can't I find that kind of sisterhood w/believers? Maybe it's a New York thing.

I'm pretty sure if I had to pick one to be, I'd be Miranda and Bill is so Steve. Not that she's who I want to be, but I think it's the truth.

Such a fabulous phenomenon the show/movie is. Captured a sense of women that I've rarely seen or known in Christian circles. There may be something we can learn here, girls.

It's funny

how things that were important years ago, no longer are...

how people you thought you knew, you don't...

how a certain kind of faith was so sure, and is now so false...

how stuff that amused and entertained, is so boring...

how ideas that used to be stupid now make sense...

how dreams that were unclear are piercing and insisting their reality...

how every time I think the journey's moving along, I'm find myself at the end of the line...

mmm...

Prayer of Patrick

Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down
Christ when I sit down
Christ when I arise
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me

One

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

- U2

Silence

There is a silence where hath been no sound,

There is a silence where no sound may be,

In the cold grave—under the deep, deep sea,

Or in wide desert where no life is found,

Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;

No voice is hush’d—no life treads silently,

But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,

That never spoke, over the idle ground:

But in green ruins, in the desolate walls

Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,

Though the dun fox or wild hyæna calls,

And owls, that flit continually between,

Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan—

There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

- Thomas Hood

The ugly truth

Damn paparazzi! How did they find out?? Well, I guess it's out there now. Please remember to keep our kids in your prayers...


http://larknews.com/november_2004/secondary.php?page=1

Maintaining Relationships

I wrote this for last Sunday's church-bulletin-newsletter-thingy and I thought I'd put it here to get your thoughts. Thanks ~ t.

One of the most difficult things in life is to maintain relationships. People are quirky, strange, and full on crazy! More often than that though, life takes us at a speed that we focus so much on getting and doing rather than being and maintaining. It is hard work to keep up relationships, but we so badly want to get to know people and grow closer to them. We need people — it’s how we were created! Why, then, do we do so much to short circuit our friendships, when they are exactly where God wants to work in us to change and transform our lives? We will purposely distance ourselves and find petty reasons to assume the worst of those in our lives. Or worse yet we decide without effort that the investment’s not worth it. We give up because of fear, loneliness, or laziness. It’s like a marriage. Without choosing everyday to love, honor, and care for each other, you can start to drift away. It starts small, Obligations with work or the home or the kids become tasks that are easier to focus on and control rather that dealing with what’s not being talked about.

So, how do we revive passion? How do we stay true, honest, vulnerable, and sincere? How do we maintain authentic relationships?

It takes a lot of risk and it takes a lot of faith. Faith that God is involved no matter what we think! We may not always believe it, but he is always with us. And he’s using everything to heal us and make us more like him. It also takes our willingness to risk it all with each other. We need to risk being ourselves—OUR TRUE SELVES— and risk being accepted completely as we are. Sometimes that means letting people care for us, serve us, and know us right in the middle of our mess! We don’t need to be perfect; we just need to be willing.

Re: Lithuania

Hi, Grace! It is so good to hear from you! You are very good at email. I am glad you got 100% on your book report. You are so smart, that I knew you'd do well. That is awesome! I am having a good trip to Lithuania. I am going to teach at their church service tonight. They have church on Wednesday nights. I will be with the orphans on Sunday, and I will tell them more about Jesus. I am also having a bit of a bad trip, only because I am missing you so much. I love spending time with you, and it is hard to be away. I will be home in less than a week, now, so be brave. Please be a big girl and help Mama. Hug your brother and sister for me too. I know it is hard for them to have me away. I am so proud of you, and I love you more than you'll ever know. You are my joy, Grace, and I can't wait to see you again. I have to go, but I will write to you soon. I love you! Papa xoxoxoxoxo

Lithuania

hi,papa! it`s me grace.I wanted to know how you were doing in lithuania.I miss you so much , school is doing well and I got a 100% on my book report and we had snow today right when we woke up. are you having a bad trip? are you with the orphans yet? well if you are please bring jesus into there hearts.jesus wants more children you know so... please email me back(I miisss yoouuu so much) love, #grace#

J'ever notice?

Ty Pennington & Nate Ashmead are one & the same. I truly think they were separated at birth. I'm sitting with my kids watching an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition and I'm captivated by the freakish demonstration of similarities.

Life Coach

The other night I was watching one of my fav reality shows on Bravo (yes, I'm a junkie) and during the show, they had the main person meet with a Life Coach to help her figure out who she really is and what she really wants from this "process." I was suddenly captured by the idea that here in the USofA we are so aware of our rights and our individuality and yet we can't decide what we want and we have no concept of our true selves. We're so clueless of our disconnection. What irony: I want what I want when I want it and to be the first to have it yet I don't know what it is... I need somebody to tell me. I hope this doesn't offend anyone who subscribes to this notion of using a Life Coach -- I guess it's kind of like secular spiritual direction -- I was just intrigued.

Paradise

Got here last night around 7:00pm... Not sure if we're ever leaving :)

Hope that's not a problem...

www.theshalomhouse.org