magdalenetwork

Out with the old and in with the new

2011-12-31T10:43:00.010-06:00

A year ago at this time, I was feeling such promise for what 2011 held for me, my family, and my ministry. Sadly, when I look back now on this past year, the first words that come to mind are bitterness and disdain. It was such a hard year emotionally, mentally and financially. Ironically, Bill & I kept asking God, "where do we go.. what do we do.. tell us & we'll follow." As door after door closed, as person after person left our community, as every last dime of our savings was spent, we still didn't let go and surrender to the obvious - it was simply time to move on. If anything, Bill & I are insanely passionate and loyal people. When we commit to something, we're there to the bitter end. There are pros and cons to that of course, but I don't think we'd be authentically ourselves if we lived life any differently.

In August, we both knew it was time for us to leave Green Bay, but didn't know where or how.. As friends & mentors shared advice and prayer, Bill felt in his heart we would be blessed wherever we went; God simply wanted to know: what. did. WE. want. And that was a tough question. We had never considered our happiness in this journey. (Possibly a crazy concept for some of you, but after years of ministry & expecting sacrifice and suffering as part of the deal, I honestly had never considered God would want us happy.. I know, warped.)

So, we started thinking and dreaming. For Bill, pursuing his doctorate and becoming a full-time writer topped his list. For me, my heart longed for more opportunities with professional theater. For our kids, a place where their sensitivity, creativity and quirky-ness was celebrated and encouraged. We also knew we would need a faith community where we fit and that we could call home. Plus, being pastors, we knew it had to be a place that could challenge us, love us, and frankly, tolerate us as we took time to re-evaluate what we had just spent 20 years doing together. We prayed and began to consider Boston, Minneapolis or Seattle.

In October, "it just so happened" Bill was scheduled to go on retreat in CO. Then, we both had plans to attend our regional retreat in Green Lake, WI. Lastly, I was blessed with the opportunity to go on retreat as well with some fellow women pastors in Malibu (twist my arm.) It was an amazing 3 weeks of tuning out the chaos of our uncertainty and settling into the heartbeat of God. By the end of the month, we knew: Seattle. By the end of November, Bill was hired and given a generous bonus that allowed us to catch up on our mortgage as well as have a wonderful Christmas. Essentially, as soon as we took the first step of faith, we saw the path (cue scene: Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade). Once again, this holiday season has filled my heart with such hope and anticipation; where there was darkness, there is such clear and glorious light (very solstice appropriate).

Practically, what this looks like for us as a family: Bill will be moving to the Seattle area (Issaquah, specifically) Jan. 6. He'll be Director of Operations for Green Bay Custom Theater by day and blogger/philosopher/writer by night. In June, after the school year ends, the kids and I will follow. Please remember us during the transition. Six months is a long time for Bill to be away from the kids and they're a little nervous about that. Prepping the house to sell is not something I'm looking forward to, although I'm actually excited about purging the junk and simplifying our lives. And did I mention how much I HATE moving?? But I digress..

Anyway, thanks to FB, skype, txting, you're all only a technological beat away. Please keep in touch. Bill won't admit it, but he really appreciates hearing from you. And, since I'm basically single-mom-ing it till June, I'd love to see you when I can. Of course, I'll most likely put you to work.. ;p

May your 2012 be filled with joy, hope, & love overflowing ~

Something I was thinking about

2011-08-11T15:58:00.002-05:00

Enter God's kingdom through the narrow gate. The gate is large and the road is wide that lead to death and hell. Many people go that way. But the gate is small and the road is narrow that lead to life. Only a few people find it. (MT.7:13-14, NIrV)

A couple years ago, I started on this personal journey of health that lead me to recalibrate and re-align my focus on pursuing who God intended me to be. As with most journeys, my enthusiasm began to lag about a year or so into it and I fell back into some similar relating patterns and habits. The problem was, I had tasted the freedom that comes with pursuing total health and began to get a glimpse of my true self, that I knew I didn't really fit in those old clothes or patterns anyway. It was a very confusing and at times painful time.

Until recently when my husband began his own journey and began walking in that glorious freedom and health himself. Initially, there was mutual discomfort as our process of molting began, but more and more we've become on the same page and feel ourselves being restored.

This led me to wonder: what if when Jesus referenced the narrow gate in His time and used it as an analogy that His friends understood, that He was speaking of become whole and complete? That we are to surrender our brokenness or our sin or our hurt (however you define that) and let go of those defensive patterns that keep us protected from each other. What if the narrow way is balance and health?

When I think of the concept of the broad way, the large and wide road that leads to death, I think of my selfish impulses; my greed, my anger, my "spoiled-brat" attitude that leads me to isolate. Why do I think of that? Because I see that as integral to my human nature. Not that I wasn't created pure or intended for goodness, but a ALOT of sh*t happens in life. I am slimed and weighed down by it daily. It clouds any hopeful perceptions I might have and blocks the truth of God's love for me.

My inward journey, as my husband's, has been to reconnect my heart to the One who knows me and to pursue His perfect plan for me. It has been a helluva mountain to climb. At every crossroads, I almost always want to run the other way and ignore the "better" choice or healthier pursuit. Ironically, what I'm running from is my own dreams or passions. So, I keep essentially choosing to live fearfully. Why? Because it's easier and it seems to hurt less. I think it hurts less, because disappointment and failure is what I am familiar with; I don't know what it's like to live in abundance or magical expectation anymore. But the truth is, it doesn't hurt less. Like a cancer, it quietly takes over and separates me from others and from my Creator.

So what if, like a balance beam, the narrow way is one small precise step in front of the other within a four inch wide path? What if that's what true health is about - being that clear and concise and direct? When a gymnast loses focus or wavers to the left or right, she falls off the beam. For me, frankly, it would be easier and more comfortable to get off that beam and walk however, wherever, or whenever I want. I'll get there, when I get there. But to stay within that narrow way and in balance, it's.. awkward and even tricky at times.

2 years later

2011-07-03T20:59:00.005-05:00

hello & here we are again. crazy as i read my post from 2 years ago how sadly,nothing has really changed. ministry is a lonely call and truly i had no understanding of that when i answered, yes. for the past two years i have struggled to discover myself & reclaim my identity and respond to the desires of my heart that christ placed w/in me. in some ways, this struggle has born fruit: i've become reconnected to theater.. but still i am so uncertain as to how one heart can be so passionate about performing and so certain about faith that i've got to invite others into it. i always feel in conflict. i want my worlds to merge; but i don't know how. i mean, i think i want them to merge. i question if ever i could integrate the two and be an authentic, complete being ~ i don't know. perhaps b/c of that conflict is why i feel stuck and often lonely. i cannot seem to allow myself to fully embrace one world or the other.

honestly, if i had to choose, i would choose my theater life. i feel in that space i can be closer to my soulful self and it's refreshing to not be spiritually responsible for anyone. and that's the burden that has nearly swallowed me again - the absolute dependence that people place on me as a pastor to solve every issue at any time. i suppose it's just further evidence of how broken, lost & desperate folks are.. they're frozen in some childhood place - when their dad left, when their mom began to drink, when the abuse started, when grandma died, when they graduated high school, etc. they never learned how to mature spiritually or emotionally as they developed physically; so they keep doing what they've always done honestly expecting different results.. they hop from church to church, religion to religion, getting spoon fed the latest words of inspiration that temporarily heal the latest scab like an old band-aid. but eventually, that band-aid needs to be changed and that wound needs to be looked at.. but the true journey for wholeness is too much.. once again, the question is asked, "do you want to get well?" and no; no one truly wants to travel down that road. friendships then become awkward. there's too much anxiety or stress in coming to church. and even though they know others have abandoned this ship - that's not what's happening with them.. they just need time, etc, etc, etc.

so where to go from here? is it possible to find friendships in ministry or should i simply continue to be a soul divided? *sigh*

shifts, changes, and longings

2009-07-10T17:06:00.002-05:00

another move, another space; it's not my home but it still brings up all the same muck. all the reminders of my unstable and unsettled youth and brings to service all the faithful and steady insecurities. reminds me of all those longings i try to ignore, forget; sifts the dirt so that's all back at the top. those aches in my heart that i push off and placate with busyness, with food, with the ever consistent sarcastic defense mechanism. ah, yes, those hidden longings for being home and being rooted and having a life long connection to someone permanent; someone who gets it and gets me. jesus, where is my ruth? where is a jonathan-like couple for us? is it really just us alone on this mission, forging ahead for the sake of everyone else? really? you know my heart oh god, you created my inmost being... when will this ache be satisfied? where are my soul-friendships?

jealousy

2009-06-11T12:17:00.002-05:00

Do not worship any other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.
Exodus 34:14

this has always been a unique thought to me -- God so jealous for my attention that He is relentless to get it. yet, jealousy, is not a godly characteristic. so how does that work? i love the thought of a passionate and desperate love that would sacrifice everything for me; i mean, that's the essence of every great love story. the man who will go thru fire, hell, even death to chase and pursue and eventually find or save his love. yet how is that ok? jealousy is NOT a part of who i want to be. how does this tension work? i know i don't want it in my heart or my mind because it's all i dwell on and nearly obsess over. how do i make the switch and allow that jealousy to turn to motivation? or is there something deeper? what lies behind the jealousy? the desire for security? aknowledgment? value? what is it ultimately i am looking for and need?

just because

2009-03-12T16:51:00.003-05:00

I've been feeling this pressing need or nudging from God to pray. What's funny about that is I've been keeping myself so busy and taking on tasks, knowing I need direction & guidance from the big G; yet not praying. And even when I do pray, I come with my agenda... my requests... my lists of things to be answered. Than this morning I was reminded of sometimes prayer isn't about me & my needs but spending time with the Lord for no other reason but just because. It was in that place that I spent time dwelling in his presence & pondering the goodness & depth of his character that I remembered this God of mine, is not single-faceted or one dimensional and he loves me; just because. He desires me, just because. He cares to spend time with me & share his secrets for me, just because. And sometimes, he wants me to do the same. To come to him, love him, honor him, bless him... just because.

de-cluttering

2009-01-23T08:26:00.002-06:00

I feel since my dad's death, or shortly thereafter, God has been calling me to simplify & get rid of the clutter in my life. At first glance, that probably sounds like a standard New Year's resolution. But I haven't taken this lightly and it hasn't been easy. It starts with my weight and my relationship to food. I've let that block or clutter the clear passage to wholeness. It's like layer after layer, pound after pound has strengthened the fortress of protection around myself -- to the point where I'm unclear what I actually feel or think. And sometimes, I just don't and I don't even want to try & feel or think.

Then there's the stuff. And for me, I've noticed, it's not so much physical stuff as it is mental stuff. I will fill my time & attention with various media; I think again to block out any feeling or emotion or thought. The question is why. Has ministry and faith become so routine that I've dulled my senses to the awareness of God? Is that even possible? Or am I hiding (trying to hide) from the One who should know me so well? Maybe I'm just tired of healing and not having arrived yet. I don't know.

I do know that I need to simply the clutter though; literally & metaphorically. The house is getting better but there's still so much to do. Spiritually & emotionally, I feel the same. As my relationship with food is changing & healing, I sense the rest coming into focus and in line. But there's still such a long way to go. Perhaps my prayer needs to be that I don't give up or give in but truly persevere. I've never been one for marathons though. Can I do it?

a fresh beginning

2009-01-20T13:52:00.002-06:00

well, it's been forever since i blogged anything or certainly thought about anything. i've been on quite a journey over the past 6 or so months. my father died, my mom has slipped into dementia and i resigned from my job as chaplain at a local hospital. as i turned 39 this past fall, i was so aware of my discontent -- everything needed to change. so, i'm in a process of healing (again). rather, i like to look at it as a being on a journey of connectedness. sin, pain, or whatever you want to call the crap that happens to us as we grow from childhood to adulthood pulls away at the pieces of our soul and i believe an essential part of accepting the gospel, the good news, declared by jesus of nazareth, is allowing our heart, mind, and soul to re-connect and integrate into the whole image it was originally intended.

so, i'm starting fresh and i think i'm supposed to journal for awhile my thoughts. and since i can't find my journal amidst the dust bunnies under the bed, i guess i'm blogging.

Already???

2008-08-17T13:35:00.002-05:00

I let Grace go to a sleepover the other night and was informed that she was going shopping. The plan was to go to the mall. Are you kidding me??? Already? She's just going into 4th grade! She came home w/ her first "label" wear but fortunately, the little girl in her also spent money on her "build-a-bear" bear. I can't get over how fast they really do grow up.

I'm intense

2008-07-23T07:14:00.003-05:00

Ok, I know I'm intense. It became SO obvious this past Sunday when Bill & I attended Eli's end-of-season baseball party. It was 3 hours of so of nothing but small talk; like literally we never got pass "this Wisconsin weather." Two things I learned from that:

A) I'm intense! And I can make small talk when in a pinch, but 3 hours?? I even threw the bait to everyone there - "and what do you do for a living?" NO ONE TOOK IT. No one from E's team knows what we do! Fortunately, Eli will see these kids in the fall again when going to school. Maybe then they'll ask.

B) Bill & I hang out with A LOT of Christians. In some ways the break was nice. No need to feel self conscious or vulnerable or emotionally naked. Just talkin about the weather. It was especially evident when word got out about another baseball party for an older league (middle school) was taking place at HOOTERS. People laughed in that "boys will be boys" sorta way and Bill & I dropped our mouths open. What, the Body Shop was booked? Yeah, everyone there had a story about the wings and did you know that Hooters gives free balloons to the kids? Just like Red Robin.

Anyway, I guess it takes someone with my intensity to deal with the shit I do at work (see below) and still love my kids and keep up w/ my husband. It may just be the way it is. It was just interesting to see this perspective.

39

2008-07-21T15:04:00.003-05:00

She was my age
Watched her boy play baseball
Just the other day

Said her gut was tight
Felt a burning
Pain down her left arm

Too young for the heart
Twice in the past 10 days
Doc said it was just reflux

Then this morning
Just needed to lay down ---
Never woke up

Dad at work
11 year old found her
9 year old smiled & cried, smiled & cried

This is one time death still stings

Lars and the Real Girl

2008-07-07T10:33:00.004-05:00

Finally saw this movie last night! It's a beautiful and powerful story of extending grace to someone's healing process to the point of near silliness. In scene after scene there was nothing but abounding mercy & grace for this broken soul who did not know how to heal or get the help needed for healing. What a lesson in caring for someone while they're in process. Try & see it if you can; otherwise wait till September. I'm thinking it will be the first of Adullam's Film Series in the fall. I needed this flick.

What's up

2008-07-02T15:56:00.002-05:00

In my weakness I find
That your strength knows no bounds

And in my loneliness I find
That the everlasting arms surround me

And even with this fragile heart
I find a place to rest here, safe where you are

And I am falling into grace again
And I am running where mercy never ends
Lord I'm learning that your love can cover me
You are teaching me what a child is meant to be

Kathryn Scott
2000 Vineyard Songs (UK/Eire)

Answered prayers

2008-06-30T15:48:00.002-05:00

I always find it amusing how God chooses to answer prayers and work out his plan or purposes in my life. For instance, a distant cousin (by marriage) received news that his sister (in St. Louis) was dying. He traveled there (from Waupaca) in time to see her still alive and spend some treasured moment with her before she died. While there, he had a heart attack, underwent quintuple bypass surgery and is rehabbing in a nursing home in St. Louis. He has no family with him in Waupaca, so if the attack would have occurred there, he very well could be dead along w/ his sis. But he was in St. Louis with extended family who were able to get him the care he needs.

In my life, I've been battling with my husband & personal demons over the reality of my discontent. My heart's prayer has been for over a month now that God would get to the core and heal me; so that I can feel him alive in my life and appreciate the people in my life to the fullest. There's been a lot of grief felt for years of a wasted life and anger at people who I blame as the source -- of course they're not, but I like having a target. I guess it's good to release it; stuffing it hasn't really been working. Ironically though, I really struggle with trusting people and the soul searching I have to do is forcing me to be publicly vulnerable. I feel so stupid though because I feel so numb & disconnected.

Anyway, things have gotten so intense that they're finally spilling out. The cat's out of the bag & people are starting to notice how jacked up I am (or so I presume). So I'm forced to lay it all bare. The question still lingers though in my mind: will they honestly be able to handle it all when it comes out? That's the deepest fear, isn't it? Who's left when it's all said & done? That's the problem with all this faith in Jesus stuff -- you gotta die on a cross before you get that new life.

God's Anointed

2008-06-24T19:40:00.000-05:00

So apparently, James Dobson has started railing against Obama and specifically calling into question his (Obama's) faith:

"I think he's deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own world view, his own confused theology," Mr Dobson said. He took exception to Mr Obama stating that Jesus's Sermon on the Mount was "a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defence Department would survive its application".

Ironically, back in January, Dobson also shared his opinion on McCain:

"Speaking as a private individual, I would not vote for John McCain under any circumstances," said James Dobson.

O my, oh my, whatever will we evangelicals do?? Think for ourselves? Pray for the HS guidance in our individual decision? Wait a minute... that's crazy! Pretty soon we might think we can read the Bible on our own & hear God speaking to us directly.

sometimes

2008-06-15T00:12:00.002-05:00

sometimes people really drive me nuts. i know i need to show forbearance & maturity, but they just drive me insane w/ their behaviors & issues. i'm not sure which is more annoying: the fact people make choices that get under my skin or the predictability of those choices and following behavior.

ugh. i'm a bad pastor.

Grey Street

2008-06-09T22:25:00.004-05:00

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She thinks, “Hey,How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can’t get out of this place”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says, “I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place”

There’s loneliness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart

There’s a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It’d take the work out of the courage
But she says, “Please
There’s a crazy man that’s creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world”

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’d do anything to fill it in
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey

And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey

- Dave Matthews Band

Hello, lover...

2008-06-01T00:23:00.002-05:00

Just saw SEX AND THE CITY. So brilliant! Me & 5 gay guys (there's a sight!) Why can't I find that kind of sisterhood w/believers? Maybe it's a New York thing.

I'm pretty sure if I had to pick one to be, I'd be Miranda and Bill is so Steve. Not that she's who I want to be, but I think it's the truth.

Such a fabulous phenomenon the show/movie is. Captured a sense of women that I've rarely seen or known in Christian circles. There may be something we can learn here, girls.

It's funny

2008-05-27T21:30:00.002-05:00

how things that were important years ago, no longer are...

how people you thought you knew, you don't...

how a certain kind of faith was so sure, and is now so false...

how stuff that amused and entertained, is so boring...

how ideas that used to be stupid now make sense...

how dreams that were unclear are piercing and insisting their reality...

how every time I think the journey's moving along, I'm find myself at the end of the line...

mmm...

Prayer of Patrick

2008-05-25T02:14:00.004-05:00

Christ with me
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Christ in me
Christ beneath me
Christ above me
Christ on my right
Christ on my left
Christ when I lie down
Christ when I sit down
Christ when I arise
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me
Christ in every eye that sees me
Christ in every ear that hears me

One

2008-05-22T09:38:00.000-05:00

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...
Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt
One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

- U2

Silence

2008-05-21T22:37:00.007-05:00

There is a silence where hath been no sound,

There is a silence where no sound may be,

In the cold grave—under the deep, deep sea,

Or in wide desert where no life is found,

Which hath been mute, and still must sleep profound;

No voice is hush’d—no life treads silently,

But clouds and cloudy shadows wander free,

That never spoke, over the idle ground:

But in green ruins, in the desolate walls

Of antique palaces, where Man hath been,

Though the dun fox or wild hyæna calls,

And owls, that flit continually between,

Shriek to the echo, and the low winds moan—

There the true Silence is, self-conscious and alone.

- Thomas Hood

The ugly truth

2008-02-07T10:32:00.000-06:00

Damn paparazzi! How did they find out?? Well, I guess it's out there now. Please remember to keep our kids in your prayers...

http://larknews.com/november_2004/secondary.php?page=1

Maintaining Relationships

2007-11-15T17:37:00.000-06:00

I wrote this for last Sunday's church-bulletin-newsletter-thingy and I thought I'd put it here to get your thoughts. Thanks ~ t.

One of the most difficult things in life is to maintain relationships. People are quirky, strange, and full on crazy! More often than that though, life takes us at a speed that we focus so much on getting and doing rather than being and maintaining. It is hard work to keep up relationships, but we so badly want to get to know people and grow closer to them. We need people — it’s how we were created! Why, then, do we do so much to short circuit our friendships, when they are exactly where God wants to work in us to change and transform our lives? We will purposely distance ourselves and find petty reasons to assume the worst of those in our lives. Or worse yet we decide without effort that the investment’s not worth it. We give up because of fear, loneliness, or laziness. It’s like a marriage. Without choosing everyday to love, honor, and care for each other, you can start to drift away. It starts small, Obligations with work or the home or the kids become tasks that are easier to focus on and control rather that dealing with what’s not being talked about.

So, how do we revive passion? How do we stay true, honest, vulnerable, and sincere? How do we maintain authentic relationships?

It takes a lot of risk and it takes a lot of faith. Faith that God is involved no matter what we think! We may not always believe it, but he is always with us. And he’s using everything to heal us and make us more like him. It also takes our willingness to risk it all with each other. We need to risk being ourselves—OUR TRUE SELVES— and risk being accepted completely as we are. Sometimes that means letting people care for us, serve us, and know us right in the middle of our mess! We don’t need to be perfect; we just need to be willing.

Re: Lithuania

2007-11-08T20:10:00.000-06:00

Hi, Grace! It is so good to hear from you! You are very good at email. I am glad you got 100% on your book report. You are so smart, that I knew you'd do well. That is awesome! I am having a good trip to Lithuania. I am going to teach at their church service tonight. They have church on Wednesday nights. I will be with the orphans on Sunday, and I will tell them more about Jesus. I am also having a bit of a bad trip, only because I am missing you so much. I love spending time with you, and it is hard to be away. I will be home in less than a week, now, so be brave. Please be a big girl and help Mama. Hug your brother and sister for me too. I know it is hard for them to have me away. I am so proud of you, and I love you more than you'll ever know. You are my joy, Grace, and I can't wait to see you again. I have to go, but I will write to you soon. I love you! Papa xoxoxoxoxo

Lithuania

2007-11-07T18:08:00.000-06:00

hi,papa! it`s me grace.I wanted to know how you were doing in lithuania.I miss you so much , school is doing well and I got a 100% on my book report and we had snow today right when we woke up. are you having a bad trip? are you with the orphans yet? well if you are please bring jesus into there hearts.jesus wants more children you know so... please email me back(I miisss yoouuu so much) love, #grace#

J'ever notice?

2007-10-29T19:42:00.000-05:00

Ty Pennington & Nate Ashmead are one & the same. I truly think they were separated at birth. I'm sitting with my kids watching an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition and I'm captivated by the freakish demonstration of similarities.

Life Coach

2007-09-16T18:32:00.000-05:00

The other night I was watching one of my fav reality shows on Bravo (yes, I'm a junkie) and during the show, they had the main person meet with a Life Coach to help her figure out who she really is and what she really wants from this "process." I was suddenly captured by the idea that here in the USofA we are so aware of our rights and our individuality and yet we can't decide what we want and we have no concept of our true selves. We're so clueless of our disconnection. What irony: I want what I want when I want it and to be the first to have it yet I don't know what it is... I need somebody to tell me. I hope this doesn't offend anyone who subscribes to this notion of using a Life Coach -- I guess it's kind of like secular spiritual direction -- I was just intrigued.

Paradise

2007-09-01T08:21:00.001-05:00

Got here last night around 7:00pm... Not sure if we're ever leaving :)

Hope that's not a problem...

www.theshalomhouse.org

Found it on ebay

2007-08-22T14:00:00.000-05:00

My friend Brig sent me this link not so much for the items being sold on ebay but rather the amazing explanation of why this mom needs to get rid of said items. If you've ever been to the grocery store w/ children in tow as a solo parent/guardian/babysitter, you will truly empathize!

PLEASE READ - http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=130144061675

My nephews

2007-08-17T23:29:00.000-05:00

As most of you don't know, I have an older sister, Lupe, who lives quite the amazing lifestyle. Part of that includes spending her summers with her family at their beach house in an exclusive little community located in the panhandle of Florida known as Seaside. Below is a link to the feature film my 13 year old nephew, Eric, wrote, filmed, & directed this summer while at their second home. My nephew, Jay, was allowed a part in it as well.

Although I'm not very close to my family, I am proud and in awe of my nephew's creativity. Make note of his name; it'll probably famous one day.

http://web.mac.com/eichtolu

What did they just say?

2007-08-14T18:03:00.000-05:00

I just witnessed a commercial where a group of middle aged guys are jammin out, crankin the blues at the local pub singing a tune which should be a swank little version of Elvis' Viva Las Vegas but instead I hear, VIVA VIAGRA!

You would have thought it was a SNL skit. It actually would have been more palpable if Will Farrell was in it.

Truly disturbing.

Judgement

2007-07-24T19:37:00.000-05:00

I despise when I feel I'm being judged. Aside from the obvious reasons... it really causes me to second guess and criticize myself in true OCD fashion. And I'm just not sure that's healthy. It always whammies me in a way that brings me back to that little chubby girl who was just a little too loud, a little too silly, a little too odd (frankly) for appropriate neighbors to allow in their house to play with their little darlings. So then I question and scrutinize every action and word and dwell in the land of regret and "dammit, why couldn't I have..."

I wonder if men go thru this...

I wonder if anyone other than a melodramatic hag as myself goes thru this...

a view on success

2007-06-25T21:43:00.000-05:00

Success, I've learned, has little to do with the performance of God's will. Sometimes we fail because of our own stupidity or shortsightedness, and we must learn lessons from our own mistakes. Sometimes we fail because of someone else's failure, or because there was too much rain or too little rain. In these cases, there are no corrective lessons to be learned.

Success is not an automatic consequence of obedience. "A righteous man falls seven times and rises again" (Proverbs 24:16). Saint and sinner alike must take their lumps and go on to the next risk. But for the believer there is one guarantee. We have a dependable God who made a trustworthy commitment that no matter what happens -- success or failure -- he will use it for ultimate good.

Robert D. Lupton, THEIRS IS THE KINGDOM: CELEBRATING THE GOSPEL IN URBAN AMERICA

Full Time Ministry

2007-06-24T22:11:00.000-05:00

Bill's officially full time starting tomorrow w/ the church. What a trip. On paper, we totally look like crap & yet, we feel now's the time. We're going to be stretched betond belief over the next few months as God takes us to a deeper level of faith & trust. Keep us in prayer...

Contentment

2007-06-01T20:53:00.001-05:00

Honestly, I don't know what my problem is. I am rarely content. I think in almost every circumstance I could find something else that could be tweeked and then made "perfect." I seriously don't know what my problem is. My thing right now is absolute dissatisfaction with my house. I'm sick of it and I want to move. No particular reason. I just think that somewhere else would be better.

I sometimes wonder what is it about my past that makes me so critical. And if it's just part of my personality, how annoying that God used those ingredients in my recipe!

BTW

2007-05-16T16:04:00.000-05:00

Anyone hear about a group in Hong Kong trying to label the bible as "indecent"? If this movement is successful, all bibles will need to be labled with a warning which states it is inappropriate for children and only adults 18 and older will be able to purchase it.

Read more here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,272955,00.html

Mmmm . . .

2007-05-11T22:21:00.000-05:00

I should blog but there's not much to blog about. So, I just decided to change the layout.

go Alanis, go Alanis, go, go, go Alanis

2007-05-07T20:57:00.000-05:00

So Alanis Morrisette has come out with a "remake" of the Black Eyed Peas, My Humps. I have to admit I am a big fan of hers and see Jagged Little Pill as necessary to complete a true ecletic CD collection. I think her music is extremely expressive, empowering, and truly feminine -- the good, the bad, & the ugly. Aside from all that, she makes an interesting statement with this video. As according to the Chicago Tribune:

The Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps," though a huge smash, was widely mocked for its vapid, suggestive lyrics. (Sample: "The boys they wanna sex me, they always standing next to me, always dancing next to me, tryin' a feel my hump, hump.") The video, featuring Fergie, the group's lead singer, was, if possible, even tawdrier. Full of non-stop teasing and thrusting, it's the kind of hip-hop booty porn that would make great torture material for Muslim prisoners at our Guantanamo Bay prison camp. Dressing herself Fergie-style, with baubles and bling, surrounded by black-clad male dancers, Morissette retained the original's visual sluttiness but replaced the Peas' thumping rhythm track with a pensive solo piano. By removing the intoxicating bass line and clearly enunciating the crass lyrics, she gave the song's sexpot swagger a new tone of sadness and desperation while simultaneously parodying her own artistic tendencies toward self-absorbed angst.

Here are the links to both videos. Curious as to what you think.

Black Eyed Peas version, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vj9swNR5-lY

Alanis Morisette's version, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W91sqAs-_-g

Amazing Grace

2007-05-03T15:45:00.000-05:00

Headed to Chicago tonight for Grace's bday which officially is tomorrow. We'll be getting her first American Girl doll, hanging with friends, doing lots of other girly things... It's so crazy that my eldest is 8. I mean she came out weighing 8lbs and now she's 8.

(Holy crap does time fly.)

Blessings to you my first born child

the one we waited so long for

the one we cried so much for

the one that changed all that was real

the one that still forces me to be

so much more

GH2

2007-04-28T19:09:00.001-05:00

I'm in hell. It's bad enough God humorously chose a soulmate for me that actually listened to, bought the cassettes of, and still knows all the lyrics to every crappy 80s hair-band song that ever existed -- I was a new wave punk girl myself (as if there were any doubt) -- BUT now, thanks to some garage band geeks from wherever the hell New Jersey who finally focused all that retarded air guitar energy into actually creating a video game, I'm stuck listening to Warrent every morning, noon, & night! A CURSE UPON YOU GUITAR HERO FREAKS!!!

"Hear my voice when I call, O Lord; be merciful to me and answer me" Psalm 27:7

e.e. cummings - i carry your heart with me

2007-04-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Matthew 18

2007-04-22T15:10:00.000-05:00

I had an amazing encounter today. Someone in our church confronted me on things they were concerned with and although that's never pleasant, it was truly honoring. What the action communicated to me was that this person loved me enough, cared for me enough, and valued me enough as a woman, a friend, a fellow believer, and a pastor to press thru an issue and deepen our relationship. The timing of course couldn't be more perfect as my husband preached on bringing things out in the light b/c as they stay in the dark, they fester like a cancer and only bring death & destruction.

What truly touched me was the depth of character that this person (timidly) revealed; especially b/c they don't believe they have that depth. It also demonstrated to me that although this person is somewhat "young" in the Lord, this person hears God's voice and is allowing themselves to be shaped & molded by it. In the midst of so many other voices flooding this person on a daily basis, they heard & followed the Holy Spirit and pursued the rougher path of loving confrontation.

That's sincere friendship. That's the true essence and beauty of all an authentic community can be. I'm so blessed that this person did not want me to stay where I was or where they were, but rather, let God heal us and take us somewhere new.

More FYI

2007-04-20T09:00:00.000-05:00

April 30, 2007 - "Silence can say more than a thousand words. This day shall unite us all about this unbelievable painful & shocking event and show some respect and love to those who lost their loved ones.On April 30th 2007, the Blogosphere will hold a One-Day Blog Silence in honor of the victims at Virginia Tech. More then 30 died at the US college massacre. But it´s not only about them. Many bloggers have responded and asked about all the other victims of our world. All the people who die every day. What about them? This day can be a symbol of support to all the victims of our world! All you have to do is spread the word about it and post the graphic on your blog on 30th April 2007. No words and no comments. Just respect, reflect and empathy."

FYI

2007-04-19T17:47:00.000-05:00

Thought this might interest some of you.

On April 28, 2007 you can lend your voice to the Take Back the Blog! Blogswarm in support of the rights of women to participate fully in all aspects of our society, including specifically online in the world of blogging but indeed everywhere and at all times, day and night, without fear of harassment, intimidation, sexual harassment, online stalking and slander, predation or violence of any sort.

Celebrity

2007-04-17T23:11:00.000-05:00

This past weekend at a conference, I heard a woman say that "we have a celebrity mentality in the church;" and she was wailing hard against it. Somehow here in American Evangelicalism, we have placed a higher honor on those gifts that draw people's atttention. You know, the preaching, teaching, etc... and we've decided that those with any mercy or helps gift is sweet, but just not as important.

I can just hear Jesus sigh as he rolls his eyes and says, "remember: the last shall be first guys." Followed with a holy tsk, tsk, tsk. Anyway, I don't know if this convicts anyone else, but I am humbled.

virginia tech

2007-04-16T22:50:00.000-05:00

John 16.31-33, the Message

Jesus answered them, ...I'm not abandoned. The Father is with me. I've told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I've conquered the world."

ok in the yuck

2007-04-16T18:44:00.000-05:00

i'm ok in the yuck
in the muck
in the mire
making mudpies
underneath the grey skies

i'm ok as i wait
and wait and wait
then thinking i'll be late
but really i'm early
silly girly

i'm ok as i learn to laugh and giggle
so impatient my mind wiggles
timing, timing
as i'm pining, pining
my feets dangling as i swing

i'm ok as you see my vulnerable privacy
i had 3 babies --
puhleez, ain't no modesty --
i'm ok as i begin
again
rebirth

Psalm 37.4

2007-04-13T22:35:00.000-05:00

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will grant desires of your heart."

This was a huge verse that spoke to both Bill & I when we were beginning to date. At the time, we took it as "a sign" of our relationship's destiny. Since then, it's been somewhat of a point of contention for my inner-man, if you will. My desire and my passion aren't seeming to match up with my call. It's probably my guilt-ridden paradigm haunting me again, "if you like it, it can't be from God... to serve him, you must die to your self & what you want for the sake of the kingdom." (BTW, this post may be frustrating to some b/c I'm not real good at coming out & saying what I'm talking about... just roll with it, ok, people?)

I can't remember a time being out of relationship with God in my life. As a little girl, he was my best playmate. In high school, he became my best friend. In college, he pursued me as a lover. And after college, I was sure I would be his alone. Of course, that changed. I fell for Jesus so passionately that I never allowed myself the option of following or serving him in any other way than ministry. But I'm at this conference today titled, "Unlimited Passion;" and these ideas are creeping in my head of the dream I died to years ago.

You see, I'm a true believer in the fact that my kids are watching me and how I am living my life; especially my girls. Therefore, I'm trying to weigh out the severity of continuing to deny myself and perhaps what I was created to do. The dilemma though is in this: I also firmly believe that I have a call in my life and to deny that would be sinful.

I don't know how to do both, but I don't think my heart will stop aching if I continue to deny this dream much longer.

Intention vs. Behavior

2007-03-26T15:37:00.000-05:00

I've been mulling over these two concepts a lot for about 10 days now. A friend explained it to me in this way: intention is a subjective perception; it's what we honestly believe and feel in the moment of commitment; but behavior is the truth of that intention and the objective evidence of that commitment.

I've really been struggling with this b/c I am such a verbal girl and I love to hear promises and declarations of love & loyalty. But then I am so crushed when it's not fulfilled. It unleashes such a sense of betrayal in my heart. I think this may be why I am so instinctively cynical and can just write people off so stinking easily. In our community though, I have to trust, I have to risk, I have to believe. Otherwise, what kind of woman, pastor, friend would I be?

Some, I know are even more dark & brooding than I, and have advised me to keep my expectations low; to sit back and see how others act or react. (kind of like pasta; just throw it against the wall, and see if it sticks) I understand that, but then I feel so calloused. Is that who I'm called to be or do I need to be the one who keeps trusting, risking, believing, hoping, again and again and again and again...

Release

2007-03-22T14:01:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling a great sense of freedom and release over the issues I've been dealing with. And I'm very grateful. It's like God has stopped pressing me down for a bit so I can enjoy the bit of healing that's happened as a breather before the next round.

There's such messiness in healing. I'm so hyper-sensitive before it even happens and then when I' m in the middle of it -- forget about it! And my poor family and friends. They don't even realize how every little thing they say and do (or don't) gets totally tweeked in my brain and opens up so many other deep rooted issues.

Now if only I could remember this and keep it in perspective. God desires me to be whole and complete; not fragmented. Yet, I am broken and if I am to be authentic and genuine, I can only be who I am thru that broken-ness. It's by the pressing in and thru to the other side that I am healed a little more each time.

Bless God for getting thru another layer. Hopefully, I'm good to go for awhile!

So...

2007-03-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

So, God's been working on me and my slavery to food issues. And this past weekend, a whole mess of stuff rose up to the surface. I'm not quite ready to share about it, b/c frankly, I don't feel safe yet and that's all a part of it. You know, letting your guard down ~ how far, how much... it seems like it takes me forever to be honest with God, who is perfect, faithful and true; and then another million years to begin being authentic with Bill. I'm not sure how long it will take me to sincerely be vulnerable with my friends. I know I can talk a good talk, but to walk it is still a struggle.

Ready

2007-03-04T23:17:00.000-06:00

I'm so ready for my husband to be home. Ready for him to be back in my house, back in my bed, back in his chair, back to his ways of annoying me & teasing me...

I'm so ready...

kinda freakin

2007-02-27T17:21:00.000-06:00

So my husband's out of the country for a week and I'm supposed to be ok. I guess I am. Life feels weird w/o him. I don't know what it is -- wait, oh yeah, he's my soulmate -- so things are very weird.

And did I tell you that he's stranded in Warsaw (final destination = Lithuania) w/o his passport or ID? Pickpocketed by some terrorist or some other kind of freak pathetically desperate to get into this country. What a violation - his identity stolen. I can't even wrap my brain around it. Right now, I gotta trust the US Embassy will do their job and he'll be safe.

A plague upon us!

2007-02-21T08:54:00.000-06:00

Be warned - a sickness hath made it's dwelling among us. For how long, we know not, but we beseech thee, plead with the Creator Almighty to have mercy on us so that this curse may flee!! I beg thee, stay away, for the stench is truly toxic and none should endure a smell lest ye truly thinketh such torture is bearable. I tell you, NO! It is not. Our comfort is found in this - our attacker is swift and sure. Within four and twenty hours it dost make haste, but it hath a stubborn way and will not relent until all members of this post are its victims. Lord & Lady Sergott hath endured the battle as has master Elijah; maid Grace is now its latest victim and young maiden Magdalene lays innocently by.

May we know the sweet joy of health & happiness by and by...

true community

2007-02-18T15:42:00.000-06:00

I had a friend stop by my house yesterday unexpectedly needing to talk. I said sure, but we had to go back to my room b/c I was working on laundry. The significance of this lies in the fact that I switched my childcare -- thus I need to do my kids laundry again! And I'm trying to be good and not fall behind. Anyway, we had our heart to heart in the midst of my incredibly dog-haired covered dusty room as I sorted my husband's dirty underwear and socks.

Now, that's love people.

re-evaluating

2007-02-15T17:49:00.000-06:00

i wish i could take credit for this, but it's rich nathan from the columbus vineyard (again). for a bit of background, go grab your bible & read genesis 26:12-18. this is kind of what led me to be so convicted about "lent" this year. i'm usually a total slacker, and who knows how faithful i'll be this year, but there's something to those spiritual disciplines.

There are always enemies, always Philistines, filling up the wells of our lives. Left to themselves, of course, the natural direction of wells is to fill up so that we can no longer draw out water. And spiritually, the direction of fallen humanity is always towards regression, not progress, towards devolution (a downward spiral), not evolution (an upward spiral). We are always in a war. When we stop fighting, when we stop drawing near to Christ, the enemy of our soul always fills up our wells with earth.

What I mean by the filling up of the well, is the overall experience of the loss of intimacy with God. It is the experience where we say to ourselves, “I used to feel God’s presence. It has been such a long time since I felt truly alive in God. I used to be excited by the prospect of meeting with God. My love for God and my desire for God used to burn white hot. I used to treasure Jesus above everything else. But now I find that I am dull to his voice and dull to his correction. I am less concerned about grieving the Holy Spirit. There are a growing number of things that I treasure above friendship with Christ.”

What are the signs in your life that your spiritual well has been clogged up? Let me share with you some of the signs of the clogging up of my own spiritual well. When I see the following occurring in my life, I know that I have given ground to the Philistines (the world, the flesh, and the devil). Perhaps you can identify with some of these signs:

1. I find myself wasting more time escaping into entertainment. I watch more TV, and more movies. I’m online more checking box scores and reading the opinions of sports pundits.

2. I lose my zeal in sharing my faith and looking for divine appointments. Evangelism always flows from an overflow of spiritual life. When my passion for Jesus flags, so does my passion for evangelism. I stop being sensitive to divinely given opportunities to share my faith.

3. I waste money on unnecessary purchases. I stop caring about the fact that I am to show the same concern for the health, comfort, and feeding of other people as I show myself (that is, after all, a part of what it means to love your neighbor as yourself). Instead, I wildly over-balance the comfort, care and feeding of myself compared to what I share with others.

4. I lose self-control in my appetites, in my speech, and in my temper.

5. My conversation drifts towards the utterly secular and away from a focus upon Jesus and the thing that are close to the heart of Jesus. In fact, those subjects begin to carry with them a slight degree of boredom.

6. Old habits start reappearing in my life, especially speech problems such as gossip, slander, sarcasm and bending the truth.

7. Maritally, there is a loss of warmth and relational connection with my spouse. We begin to experience more friction between us. We find ourselves just functioning together, not encouraging one another or praying for one another.

8. I find an unwillingness in my life to sacrifice, to really tighten the belt so that it pinches my flesh. When the well of my life is filled up by the Philistines, I find myself unwilling to “give financially until it changes my lifestyle.” And I find myself unwilling to be really inconvenienced in service. In other words, I become less willing to go out of my way to help someone in need, or to show up at a meeting that doesn’t particularly interest me.

9. All of these things are rooted in my agreement with the lie that I can stay in the same spiritual position with God whether or not I fight or wrestle or discipline my flesh, or deny myself, or repent.

Let me ask you a personal question. Do you see any of my nine indicators of the filling up of my spiritual wells in your life? Can you add to my list?

BONK!

2007-01-27T19:41:00.000-06:00

Today, Bill was feeling pretty poopy due to we're not sure what, but he was physically incapacitated. So, being the phenomenal wife that I am, I got the kids out of the house for the afternoon so he could sleep. The girls went on a playdate while big "E" and I headed to a local hill to do some sleddin'. He was a superman on this massive hill for about an hour and then he seemed spent. We began to leave but saw friends at this smaller hill and decided to stop by for a few minutes. Literally seconds go by when Eli jumps on his saucer, shoots down this "bunny hill," then BAM! Blood-curdling screams fill the sky!! Eli smacked into a tree. He totally had a goose egg the size of a golf ball RIGHT ON THE FRONT OF HIS HEAD.

I called Ask-a-Nurse, discerned that my son was alert & aware -- deifitely not unresponsive (noted by the blood-curdling screams aforementioned) -- went home, grabbed an ice pack and plopped him on the couch next to Papa.

Ah, the joys of mothering a boy.

Grief

2007-01-24T15:35:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a while... I've been stuggling to write b/c I'm dealing with grief. First, my Grace. Her very first best school friend has moved to Chicago. When I picked her up on Friday from school, she bawled and bawled, and was very aware of the loss. She knew & understood that Kelsey would no longer be a regular part of her life & she was already missing that. I had no words for her. I held her and let her cry it out. I also then taught her the great gift of curling up on the couch with a movie when you feel sad. We went to the vidoe store and picked out a few flicks. For a 7 yr old, that was just the trick!

If only it were that easy with my own grief. On Monday, I read in the paper that a high-school buddy of Bill's (who stood up in our wedding) had died unexpectedly in a snowmobile accident. Bill & I recently had been playing phone tag w/ this guy to reconnect as it had been a while and I didn't initially know what to think or feel. Mucha was the kind of guy who seemed to almost "just die" a couple of times due to some careless behavior and this time it caught up to him. Bill & I both wrestled with anger, sadness, guilt, or really the lack there of... Ultimately though, my confidence is in the knowledge that God's mercy is bigga :) than I can comprehend or even begin to imagine and my prayer is that his family knows that mercy is a very real way this week.

Bloggin'

2007-01-16T09:06:00.000-06:00

This network of bloggers that has stemmed from our church has been a very interesting & blessed thing. It's helped me get to know my community in such a profound way. Much quicker certainly than if we only had Sundays as our chance to see each other. I feel as I travel thru the blog-dom, I learn so much -- not only by what is written, but how it's written. For some it's an open door into every thought that hits them; for some there's more caution; others are lengthy & significant in content, while others are brief yet rich with depth. I love this opportunity to love & learn...

Just out of curiosity, how do you see yourself using this thing called "blogging?" Give me your thoughts so I can continue to learn more.

Peer Pressure

2007-01-11T08:50:00.000-06:00

OK - I'm blogging! Ya happy now?

Seriously, I haven't had all that much to say... Not an interesting thought floating around in this head -- AT ALL. So, don't take it personally, there's just nothing cool going on in my life.

Although, it does feel good to know people are watching, reading, & caring. It's funny how something so sterile & impersonal, like a computer, can be such a vehicle of warmth & unity. (I bet Levi's gagging right about now.)

Anyway, I'll try & do better next time. Much luv, ~ t.

Staying focused

2007-01-06T13:24:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to stay focused. Church is taking on a life of it's own and I don't want to get caught up b/c then it so quickly can become a program and I don't want to lose the friendships I've started. I want them to stay real and sincere. So I'm trying to keep my eyes on Him who began this good work... keep my heart in tune w/ my first love, my truest friend who will be there when all else is passed & dust... keep my mind at peace in the awareness of his faithfulness... keep my souls open to wherever this journey leads...

Bethany & I were talking the other day about staying fresh and keeping our paradigms, our thoughts of God, moldable so we don't get trapped in what we think we know as true, but rather stay true to what is essential to the gospel. It's funny how quickly I can lose my saltiness when I cling to anything other then Jesus. And it's not about doing church or the things I think are how to follow him. It's not about eloquence on a Sunday morning or at a hospital bedside. It's about me decreasing & him increasing.

1/1

2007-01-01T22:47:00.000-06:00

This morning as we werw loading the kids into the van to head over to Grandma's, I was taken back by the day & I sensed God was telling me something. First, it's our 13th anniversary today. I thought back to that day. We were married in Atlanta and really had more like a 5 day wedding extravaganza. We spent the whole time (pretty much) surrounded my some really wonderful friends. We even spent our official first day married having dinner with & going to a movie with the last 10 or so who hadn't flown home yet. It made me smile as I remembered.

I then thought about the last few days and the rain and dreariness. It's been almost oppressive. I then breathed in deeply the fresh January air and said to the Lord, what's the deal -- it's January and this is beautiful, breathtaking, and freakish... God then said, yeah, that was 2006; but THIS IS 2007.

Happy New Year.

a year ago...

2006-12-31T13:45:00.000-06:00

... we held our last Sunday night service in Depere

... there were less than 10 of us (including munchkins)

... my heart was breaking at the thought of starting over, again

... I was stuck in unforgiveness & regret

... Scott & Amanda were our only friends & support

... meeting my soon to be sis-in-law for the first time

... Bill still worked at Family Services

... my kids missed their papa

... I was still just getting my feet wet @ Bellin

... Beth & Levi decided "YES"

God is good. Amen.

Chick flicks & chocolate

2006-12-30T00:46:00.000-06:00

Saturday nite (TONIGHT), my place, 7pm. Come one, come all for some joyful female bonding! Let me know if you're in!

Holiday Hungover

2006-12-26T10:32:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've been hit by a Mack Truck. I'm not even going to tell you about my house... it goes w/o saying that it's akin to Hiroshima. And now we have Maggie's bday & Bill's bro is coming tomorrow.

ugh, I think I need some alka selzer...

A friend

2006-12-18T20:09:00.000-06:00

I have this interesting friend at work. She's visited Adullam once, even enjoyed it; but essentially feels she's not there yet. OK, fair enough. What's ironic though, is any time there's crap stressing her out at work or home, she asks for prayer. Like one night, I saw on the callerID that she had called and when I returned her call, she told me she had a horrible headache and needed me to pray with her. Today, she had to go to the doctor and have some in clinic procedure done and she was tripping out. She wanted me to pray with her, walk w/ her to the doc's office, and hang in the WR till she went in.

Such a trip. I'm totally unabashedly bold with her about Jesus and yet she's totally living in a way that some may call "sinful;" and yet, she still comes for prayer.

She just sensed it

2006-12-15T18:46:00.000-06:00

So I was pretty exasperated today & flat out bummed. I think it's a combo of hormones & tiredness, plus the fact my husband was gone the majority of the week... anyway, Billiam & I have been trying for a few weeks to get some time for a grown-up night out and time after time, something's come up. This weekend we were trying again and we were just not connecting on which night and what we would do... we were then bickering and well, missing the point. All I know, is I was in need of rejuvination.

My neighbor, Lora, thru the power of the heavenlies, must have sensed this and called me right as I was beginning to work up the strength to bathe my children (trust me, it's exhausting). She offered to take Maggie for a little solo time during which she bathed & fed the little critter. Eli stayed back with me (Grace is spending the night @ a friend's). Bathing him & feeding him was actually enjoyable. FYI - if you haven't experienced an evening with my darlings and are curious, please review my blog dated 12/13/06. Make note of how creative they can be when overtired and overstimulated.

Anyway, my point is I'm so grateful for having a woman, a sistah, who gets it and knows when I need a little help. It seriously made a world of difference -- for all of us.

For the junkies

2006-12-13T11:22:00.000-06:00

Hey Lora... Hey Cat... Hey Holly...

luv you ~ t.

UGH!!!

2006-12-12T19:49:00.000-06:00

I got so frickin angry at my kids tonight! Well 2 out of 3. Wanna guess who?? Here's the story: I'm in the kitchen working on dinner, Grace is practicing her piano, and I hear lots of silliness occuring behind door #1. I finish dinner, help Grace with one little bit of her music, go to open the closed door and suddenly witness the chaos that has ensued. Big E & M thought it would be great fun to take out all the clothes in her dresser, and pack them in every bag/ backpack they could find. I help an opposite opinion and proceeded to firmly announce that they do not get to eat until this is all cleaned up -- meaning clothes put away in drawers, toys off the floor... All I keep hearing though as I proceed to the kitchen to get dinner served is lots of giggling and a light-saber. I hollar again, get it done!! Once more, get it done!! And again, get it -- CRASH !!Suddenly Maggie's crying - the cry that makes one think, maybe somebody's bleeding this time -- I dash to the room only to find her dresser had fallen along with everything on top and within it.

Once I assessed the situation and realized that no one was bleeding or dead, I FREAKED!!!!!!!!!!! They seriously did some damage... broken glass... screwed up the dresser... I'm hoping my screams put the fear of God in them so such a nifty little idea never drifts into their dear little heads again. I'm not sure though b/c my son is all about calling me on right now for using the "F" word. Little sh#t.

Did I mention that Bill's out of town until Thursday?? This is only day one.

BTW, somebody comment... I'm starting to get a complex...

It's a beautiful thing

2006-12-11T19:02:00.000-06:00

The people in our church, our community, are truly touching my heart. I'm amazed at how people are genuinely seeking each other out and becoming friends; sincere, authentic friends. As Lora would say, "it's a beautiful thing." Seriously, when Bill & I say, we're in awe of you all, we mean it. We never could imagine in our wildest dreams how this desire of a godly, committed, covenant community would actually feel. We kept getting a taste of it at different times in our journey, but it never quite clicked. I'm so grateful for God beating us up before and shaping our hearts into obedient hearts that seek Him first so that His kingdom could come and He's making this whole thing the way He wants. It's such a beautiful thing...

BTW - if you haven't yet ventured over to some of my friends linked to the right, please do so. You'll see what I mean.

God is amazing

2006-12-08T21:39:00.000-06:00

I just have to take a moment & allow myself to attempt to realize how amazing my God is. Have you ever felt like that? Bill & I have been thru such a ragged-journey and genuinely questioned if we heard God right when we began this church plant and if we were even called to ministry. It's just so different this time. Failure, success, it doesn't matter, because He's in control and I'm starting to feel the flow. It's an amazing sensation when you stop fighting what He's doing and simply let Him do it. All those trials to make us obedient, to sharpen our senses, to still our hearts so we might hear His whispers... it's all worth it.

It's just been amazing.

PS - to my beloved friends in Adullam (and neighbors), thank you for being with us and becoming family. Seriously - we're seeing our dreams realized here. Thanks for being in my life.

End Times

2006-12-07T08:14:00.000-06:00

I had this interesting epiphany yesterday. While at work, I was doing some research on organ donation. I'm on the hospital's Donor-Life Committee. Granted, some people have strong opinions about this but, hear me out... Many clergy refer to this whole process as a miracle. And I've been mulling over this: is it a miracle? Are we messing in God's territory? Shouldn't we be seeking a supernatural healing? And then it dawned on me -

As you go, preach this message: 'The kingdom of heaven is near.' Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. (Matthew 10:7-8)

People say that science & faith cannot exist. I think God has blessed us with a new way of healing; not that it replaces prayer -- if God wants to heal supernaturally, he will!! But how awesome is God that he allows us to participate with him in the healing thru the gift of medical technology. It's like a practical way the Kingdom of God is at hand. We're doing what he said we would do -- it just doesn't always look like we expect.

inspiring & convicting

2006-12-06T19:56:00.000-06:00

Our Regional Overseer fowarded this to us yesterday. I found it both inspiring & convicting. In case you don't know, Rich Nathan is the Lead Pastor for Vineyard Columbus in Ohio. It's one of our community's largest and is truly making an impact on that city by getting involved in practical yet profound ways. Anyway, he's also a significant voice in shaping Vineyard theology. Read it & let me know your thoughts...

Note: The following is a condensed summary of the talk Pastor Rich Nathan delivered at the “Voting Our Values” rally last Thursday in Columbus, Ohio. A link to the full text appears at the end, or you can download audio of the entire speech (mp3).

As I travel around the country and interact with a wide variety of evangelical leaders, I have discovered a changing landscape. I believe we are going to see an entirely new trajectory for evangelical political involvement over the next decade. Let me tick off five developments among evangelical leaders and lay people that I am particularly grateful for.

First of all, I am grateful that there is a broadening of the list of people who are now considered spokespersons for the evangelical movement. There are lots of us evangelicals who have found ourselves increasingly uncomfortable with the media’s selection of a few people of decidedly conservative politics who are regularly called our spokespeople. Whenever I hear this handful of people talk, I think, "this person doesn’t speak for me."

...Second, I’m grateful that there is a broadening of the evangelical agenda beyond the two hot-button issues of abortion and gay marriage. Evangelicals are saying, “How did we ever allow ourselves to become convinced that the entirety of the biblical agenda for our political involvement can be reduced to just two things – abortion and gay marriage?”...It is also certainly the case that we, as a society, must provide necessary support for women and children, not only during the 9 months of pregnancy, but also after. But I have to be honest with you, and tell you that I was quite disappointed with the statement on abortion that is in the “Voting God’s Politics” brochure. While the statement regarding capital punishment is absolute and unequivocal, stating “our nation’s use of the death penalty should end,” the statement on abortion waffles and calls for “common ground policies that dramatically reduce the abortion rate.” We lawyers would say that the abortion statement contains “weasel words.” I believe the statement on abortion needs to be more absolute.

...Third, I’m grateful that evangelicals are moving away from our prior unreserved, unquestioning support for American military action around the world. Many evangelicals are now saying, “How did it come to be that we who claim to follow the Prince of Peace are stauncher advocates of war than any other demographic group in America?” And even those of us who do not come from a pacifist tradition, but rather a just-war tradition, have begun to ask, “How can some of our most recent wars be considered just?” You know, St. Augustine, the father of the just war tradition, said, “We Christians may, on occasion, legitimately go to war. But we always do so with great reluctance and with tears.” Many of us evangelicals have asked ourselves: Shouldn’t we Christians be the most difficult to convince, of any group of people, regarding the legitimacy of war? Shouldn’t we have the strongest presumption against war and require the government to have the highest burden of proof before we reluctantly, and with tears, go along with war?

...Fourth, I am grateful that I am witnessing a shift among evangelicals towards the view that with God’s help, it is possible to change this world. The traditional evangelical view of the world is that the world is hopelessly fallen. Or to use the great 19th century evangelist, D.L. Moody’s line, “The world has hit an iceberg and the ship is going down. The only thing we can do is pull as many people as possible into the life boats.” So, for a century, many evangelicals have believed that it is an absolute waste of time to try to improve this fallen world, since to do so would be like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. But without being naïve regarding the fallenness of this world, or the difficulty of change, there are many evangelicals who are saying, "World change is possible with God’s help."

...And fifth, I am grateful that many more evangelicals are saying, "We are not going to be in the pocket of any political party." We have woken up from our naiveté and we recognize that pre-election day promises have not translated into post-election day action. So the evangelical vote is more and more up for grabs. And that is a good thing!

Now, having stated what I’m grateful for, I need to briefly share with you three cautions regarding evangelical political involvement. I want you to notice, by the way, that my talk has more positives than negatives. The Puritans said that one of the measures of the truth of a sermon was that there would be more positives than negatives.

My first concern is to warn churches and pastors against partisan political involvements. It is impossible to be a biblical Christian without preaching on and working for justice, for the poor, or caring for the earth, or committing ourselves to peace-making, or committing ourselves to racial reconciliation, or being commitedly and consistently pro-life. But once churches and pastors begin to translate these broad value statements into very particular policy choices, we can unnecessarily divide the Body of Christ and obscure the gospel message.

...I’m also concerned when churches don’t realize that the church uses different language than the language of politics. … Churches ought to speak prophetic language, not political language. It is not wrong to speak the language of politics, the language of compromise and “half a loaf is better than none,” when we are in the political arena. But church is not that arena. In church we speak prophetic language, the language of kingdom absolutes and moral imperatives – the language of Fannie Lou Hamer and the prophets Amos and Jeremiah, and our Lord Jesus Christ.

...My third concern is that we Christians, whenever we engage in politics, remember the third and last clause of Micah 6:8. You remember Micah 6:8. “He has shown you, O people, what is good and what does the Lord require of you? To do justice, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” Christians in politics often focus on the first two statements: doing justice and loving mercy. But there is an atmosphere in which our doing justice and our loving of mercy needs to be practiced … if we Christians come towards this world as servants, bearing the basin and the towel; if we commit ourselves to doing what we believe to be the will of God with humility; if we approach each other with humility and a willingness to listen and be persuaded; to learn and to be reconcilers; if, in other words, we “walk humbly with God,” then we will be faithful witnesses to Christ and will be used by him to be healers of this world.

anonymous

2006-11-21T11:24:00.000-06:00

I have issues with anonymity. It's almost cowardly to me. I guess there's a time & a place for it, but God gave us each a voice, an identity, a personality to use and use well. By that I mean, part of our evolution, our growth, as humans, let alone believers, is to become more & more of who we were originally created to be. When we choose fear, of any kind, we deny the possibility of God moving and acting in our life. That includes our opinions. You see, somehow, in this country, we've equated freedom of speech with the right to share whatever comes to mind, no matter how ridiculous and offensive. We clothe ourselves with this entitlement under the guise of anonymity and we convince ourselves that what we have to say is that important. And frankly, if we don't have the strength, the courage, the hutzpah to own what we say, is it really worth the air to say it out loud??? Is it really worth anyone's time to listen to.

Here lies my dilemma: yeah, there's a freedom in being anonymous, but there's no responsibility; and when there's no responsibility, there's no risk. No risk, no adversity, and therefore no growth. And if I'm unable to grow and move forward in this life, if I just stay at square 1, seriously, what kind of Christian am I? What kind of woman am I? What kind of person am I?

Only God knows

2006-11-19T14:38:00.000-06:00

As you may or may not know, I work at Bellin Hospital as a chaplain and part of that job is being on call one wknd ea month. This was my weekend. Last night I was called in to be with a pt who was dying. The pt/family were Roman Catholic & requested that the pt receive the sacrament of the anointing of the sick. FYI - this is when the priest comes and anoints the pts head & hands w/ oil and prays. I've experienced this & it can be very powerful.

Anyway, I make the appropriate phone calls, get a priest to come in, and follow up with the family. They were very emotional. Turns out, the pt although elderly and battling cancer, wasn't expected to die as quickly as he was. He & his wife had met when she was 16 and had been married for 49 years. Well, based on my limited knowledge, I assumed the pt had a day of so to go. Therefore, I offered a little final encouragement and headed back home. No sooner had I turned on my street when my beeper proceeds to go off again. The pt had just died.

The nurse told me, as I called in, that the family requested me to return and so I did. His wife & kids, along w/ the rest of the family were devistated. You may be thinking, well, they knew he was dying... why were they so upset???

If I have learned anything over the past two years it's this: no matter how prepared you think you are for somebody to die, you're never really prepared for how final the death really is. And no matter how hard you try to predict when it will happen, only God knows the moment of our death.

I know this blog may sound kind of morbid, but I'm trying to express the comfort I have in the knowledge that only God knows. Whether it may be a birth or death or anything in between, only God knows what each day holds and I don't have to be consumed with anxiety or worry. He's got it covered. And that's a beautiful thing.

Chick Nite

2006-11-16T23:36:00.000-06:00

I LOVE Thursday nites! Why?? It's chick nite & I love, LUV-LUV-LUV-LUV, getting together w/ da sistas!! It's so amazing when a group of women can get together and share honestly, authentically about life and God. Our group is so cool - we've got women in their 20s, 30s, 40s... some are married, some single, some divorced... w/ kids, w/o... it's just such a powerful and wonderful time to learn from ea other and simply be w/ ea other. There's no better way to be a woman than by hanging with other women, sharing with them, praying with them... so FABULOUS... I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!!!

We've been getting together for 6 wks (or so) now and we've reached that point where the external layers are coming off & the realness takes over. Every week I leave with so much to think about, thank God about... It's been along time since I've had this kind of connection w/a group of chickies. It's so nurturing. It's tending a part of my soul that was kinda wilty. I highly encourage everyone to do the same. Find some ladies, get some coffee, start meeting regularly, and just let the conversation flow. God will move & speak & change you.

Power in the WORD

2006-11-15T12:20:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to change my speech lately. I can occasionally have a very foul mouth and worse can say some very hurtful things to the people I love -- particularly my children. And for them, it's not just what you say, but how you say it. They're very in tune with that. I know especially as a worship leader, I should be very cautious of what comes out of my mouth... you know, the leading people in praise and being (hopefully) a catalyst of the H.S. and what he's doing/saying during worship. But somehow, that responsibility hasn't been enough to cause a change. What really convicted me was a conversation I had w/ my boss at work one day. While discussing an entirely different subject, he made reference to Genesis 1 and how God created by simply speaking and it was through the POWER of his WORD that the universe was created.

Stop & meditate on that for a moment.

THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE BEGAN WITH A WORD. That's intense; I don't care what anybody says. So, this got me thinking, especially w/ my kids; are my words being used to create & empower, or to destroy & demean? That day after work, I apologized to my babies & asked for their forgiveness for the times my words caused pain and committed to speak blessing and love into their lives.

Balance

2006-11-12T17:58:00.000-06:00

It's crazy trying to juggle everything - family, church, work, marriage, self... FAITH. Sometimes I'm so busy with "life" that I can't find quality time w/ God. And then I'm stressing out b/c I have no sense of balance or peace. I never expected to be so busy when trying to plant a church. Isn't that crazy? I mean, for so long, it seemed like nothing was going on and then suddenly, or so it seems, we're in high gear and life is constantly going. I haven't quite adjusted though and I'm missing my time w/ Jesus.

Lord, help me to find the time, to make the time, to be with you. In you alone is where I find my peace, my hope, my assurance.

You know, I want to be a real lover of people -- not my usual self. I'm typically so reserved until I feel safe. But I don't want that anymore. I want to be free to love the people that come into my life... free w/o agenda. I think that's part of my struggle w/ feeling balanced & whole. I spend a lot of energy guarding myself as I invest in relationships. Ironic, isn't it? I'm so annoyed by the frivolous or shallow, but my stinking guard is up so strong and so high that by the time I decide to let somebody in, it's exhausting; and then I feel, literally, like I don't have a hold on anything else. So everything and everyone's at a safe distance. I feel in control and yet unbalanced.

Only in God be at rest my soul, for from him comes my strength. He alone is my rock, my safety, my stronghold; I shall not be moved.

I'm feeling stale

2006-11-08T15:13:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling stale. Not sure why... Our church is growing, we have two small groups, children's ministry is becoming a problem... these are actually all good things. Yet, I feel... I don't know...

There are times when everything should be ok and then something isn't right. I can never figure it out it seems in time to do "the right thing" or respond/prevent. I'm always in some way disconnected. Church is good, finances suck... kids are healthy, but the dog is nuts... I'm always in some state of mess - laundry, dishes, more laundry, more dishes. This shouldn't affect me the way it does, but it does.

Life never seems to just flow.

Maybe my expectations are off and the lives I perceive others living aren't all as together as I think. Maybe I'm terrified of life flowing peacefully, free of anxiety. Maybe I'm just tired...

It just makes me sick

2006-11-04T18:46:00.000-06:00

Watching so public a display of Ted Haggard's fall from grace is sickening. I say this not because what he has or has not done, but of what his wife & children must be going through. The husband or dad you thought you had a week ago is no longer the same man and that is a heartbreaking reality. I can only imagine the fallout. And why didn't someone in his position, claiming to seek God, why didn't he speak to someone about his temptations, his struggles, his anguish before now... before his family has been humiliated.

Unfortunately, America will watch this man and his family squirm amidst their vulnerability and embarrassment in a vicious and voyeurisitc way enthralled that "the mighty have fallen." All I can think about is his wife and kids... it just makes my stomach sick.

Holidays vs. Holy Days

2006-10-30T18:34:00.000-06:00

I send my kids to this small, christian school; and I wrestle with this choice a couple of times during the year. I love the teachers and the principal. I know my kids are getting an amazing education, are getting equipped to become lifelong learners. And this school is passionate about faith and are true partners in raising my kids. This is one of those times though. Why? Halloween. Can I tell you how tired I am of people making WAY-TOO-BIG of a deal with this holiday?? Because frankly, it's just about the candy. If not, why are local churches throwing "Hallelujah parties" or sponsoring "Trunk-or-Treat?" So much of what they've created is based on a ridiculous mythology that was birthed from the pagan movement of the 1950s. History has shown us that really the women who were burned at the stake were not witches but rather midwives and strong, independent women. Also, the druids were simply like every other pre-Christ, fable-filled religion. It was simplistic and superstitious - not satanic.

So, my kids' school... the students aren't supposed to talk about Halloween...costumes, candy, anything. (Ironically, if we chose to send our kids to public school, they couldn't talk about Christmas & Easter!) It really tormented my 7 year old that she may be "partaking in the devil's birthday." And if you knew my Grace, she was sincerely concerned that she was sinning against God by wanting candy! My husband, who theolgizes at any & every opportunity, then began to speak to her on Romans 14 and how God gives each of us freedom to act & choose according to what our individual faith requires.

Or, say, one person thinks that some days should be set aside as holy and another thinks that each day is pretty much like any other. There are good reasons either way. So, each person is free to follow the convictions of conscience. (v.5, The Message)

And why does God do this, b/c God looks at the heart & judges accordingly.

Forget about deciding what's right for each other. Here's what you need to be concerned about: that you don't get in the way of someone else, making life more difficult than it already is. I'm convinced—Jesus convinced me!—that everything as it is in itself is holy. (v.13, The Message)

Grace said she understood -- hopefully, in some way she did.

There's a real trick (no pun intended) to living in the world and not being of it; to loving people and being relatable, but still being holy and set apart. What kind of example am I day in, day out, to those who know the gospel, let alone those who don't! Am I salt & light, am I one who blesses, encourages, loves at all times? I just think that there's so much more to be concerned with as believers then to stress out over a little candy.

the amish way

2006-10-09T18:16:00.000-05:00

Last week, a "civilian" entered an amish school in PA and executed 6 little girls. He then killed himself. The amish community, completely justified, could have lashed out to America with some judgemental statement and in essence separated themselves even more from the world. Instead, they met with the murderers' wife, brought her food and spoke forgiveness to her. They took notice of her present reality that she is a widow and alone with 3 children. When her husband had his funeral, 100 people attended. 50 or more of those were the amish.

The amish way is something we all should stop and seriously look at. There's a simplicity and humility toward life that is awe-inspiring. As well, there's an awareness of a Creator and a grateful submission therefore that they adhere to that is foreign to the majority of people in North America.

Embarrassingly, I have been judgemental of the amish and presumed that their separation from the world served no purpose. Dear God, was I wrong. Never before do I think I've heard the gospel proclaimed in a more clear or powerful way... in such a simple, profound, devoted, and authentic way.

In the words of Marvin Gaye...

2006-10-06T20:01:00.000-05:00

What's goin on!!! 17 school shootings since the beginning of THIS school year. That's effed-up. There is something wrong w/ our society and our culture and it's so multi-layered, I don't know if we'll ever get to the root. In some ways I see it as the fault of such a thing as this - a blog - where any & everyone has the chance to freely spew whatever thoughts they care to w/ no concern of consequence. This amazing tool (the internet) has turned the world upside down and made neighbors out of continents and yet we become socially retarded exponentially day after day. We lock ourselves away before this 13/17/20 inch screen and think we're connecting to someone real as we chat the night away. We think we're free b/c the anonymity makes us feel uninhibited. We feel so righteous & satisfied as we shoot our opinions w/o interruption...

Something is wrong with us! 17 effing school shootings... When will we learn that the pain, the lonliness, the desparation doesn't go away no matter how many pills we take that day. And just b/c it's awkward to risk friendship after a certain age doesn't mean we seclude ourselves and watch hour after hour of "reality TV." People listen to Oprah and faithfully watch Dr. Phil, but they'll never leave their homes to interact with an actual live human being.

We were made for relationship people. Made to love God and love others. Somtimes the process of that sucks, b/c life is life and sh*t happens. We need to log off, turn off, disconnect and get out of the house and be with people. Say hello to a stranger, let somebody in front of you at the grocery store, talk about the weather, talk about anything, BUT STOP SHOOTING PEOPLE! I mean, seriously...

too much

2006-10-05T15:53:00.000-05:00

How much is too much? I'm trying to figure this out. I'm a very empathetic person, almost too much, and so figuring out the balancing act of ministry & life is a struggle. Last week @ the hosp, a guy walked into my office, said he was looking for the chaplain; I confirmed. He then shared he had just tried to kill himself... I then spent the rest of my day hanging with him and talking and doing my part at that time to avert crisis and bring some hope and clarity. The good news is, he's still around this week. The other part of the story is everything else that's involved and frankly, this blog is not the time or place.

What I'm getting at is I get so emotionally involved that I'm struggling to let go. I know I'm not the saviour or healer here, but I want things to be better, NOW, and I want to be involved. I get frustrated that I'm not and I kind of obsess. My husband has commented on this. My struggle then is this: how much is too much? too much involvement... too much concern... too much time focused on it... how much???

I don't know how to separate myself sometimes. That sounds so unhealthy doesn't it? But if I lose that empathy, that concern and ignore my gut, my passion, what kind of minister will I be? What kind of believer?? How can I expect & anticipate the kingdom come if I'm not ready at any time? I reflect on the apostles and the earliest followers of Jesus and everything he asked of them. This is where my dilemma lies... I'm not sure there's any option but the one that gives too much when it comes to HIM.

Regret

2006-05-19T11:50:00.000-05:00

My dad has never met my kids. In fact, prior to last Father's Day, I hadn't seen him since my wedding day over 13 yrs ago. I went to visit him last year after his wife (step-mom) died. It was a very pleasant and touching visit. We spent a wonderful couple of days together. Since then though, his health has rapidly deteriorated and I fear he won't make it till Christmas this year. He's in the process of beginning hemo-dialysis and and now needs 24 hr care.

Not sure what to think of it all. My co-workers are extremely supportive and eager to accomodate my schedule this summer so as to visit. Some church-going friends though ask about his salvation; and I don't know what to say. My whole concept of God's grace is not very traditional, I think. I'm just really trusting that he's so much more faithful and merciful then I can even imagine. But then if I chance it, will I regret not talking w/ him before he dies? Depending on the conversation, will I regret talking to him in the first place? He says he believes in Jesus as the Christ, reads scripture and meditates; but doesn't see the point in church. (Frankly, I don't blame him.)

So, should I be worried; should I not... should I be worried that I'm not worried about his soul? What to do...what to think...either way, regrets.

Faith

2006-03-18T09:02:00.000-06:00

As a pastor & chaplain, I often am in the position to tout about "keepin' the faith" and trusting in God's plan. I gotta tell ya, that's so much easier when it has nothing to do w/ your own personal life.

My youngest, Maggie, had some kidney problems when she was born; but after what appeared to be a successful surgery, everything was fine. Yesterday, the kids & I drove down to Children's Hospital for a check up & it looks like the kidney's having problems again. The right one looks overly large & full and the left one is bigger than normal size and empty. What that means is the left kidney is compensating for the right one and she'll need surgery again. Hopefully, she'll only need a stint to be put in and things will go back to normal. Worse case scenario - she'll lose the kidney.

Now before I worked in a hospital and really began to learn about how important kidneys were, I would have been like, "ok; she'll be fine w/ one kidney." But now I know that can lead to so many other things; very complicated things.

I guess it's time to stare in the mirror and start preaching to myself. Fortunately, it really doesn't matter what I do... God IS faithful and sovereign IN ALL THINGS. Now if only I would listen to myself.

Bono up for Nobel Prize... again

2006-02-26T08:19:00.000-06:00

Bono is up for the Nobel prize again for his work against global poverty. Someone I indirectly know (yet likes to voice judgemental opinions in my direction) believes that Bono is extremely pompous and doesn't know anything; he's just a lobbyist, none of this behavior has anything to do with his faith. My response:

HELL YEAH he's a lobbyist and frankly, I believe it would be irresponsible for him not to lobby and petition people and governments on behalf of the poor. He's been blessed w/ a certain place in society, similar to Oprah & Bill Gates (who also lobby on behalf of the widows & orphans -- shall we pooh-pooh them as well?), and I believe is very aware that all he has here, will stay here; so, he's doing the most he can w/ it here.

I personally feel Bono is doing a great deal for the Kingdom of God being a voice for the poor. Because of his power and wealth, he can accomplish a great deal more than myself. Now, that doesn't let me (or the rest of the church) off the hook of course...

but what do I know? I'm just a pomo chick doing my best to love & serve the Lord...

puppy-dom

2006-02-09T17:20:00.000-06:00

We got a black lab puppy not to long ago and she's great, absolutely wonderful w/ the kids and after 10 days seems to be getting the the whole house-training thing; especially now that we got a crate. And what's really cool is the kids like to play in the crate to; so when I need a break from them...

Super Bowl Commercials

2006-02-07T13:08:00.000-06:00

So according to TiVO, the top commercial during the Super Bowl on Sunday was from Ameriquest mortgage (I think - whoever said the "don't judge") and basically the premise was this:

A crowded airplane at night, a woman gets up, there's turbelance, she loses her balance and lands in some guy's lap. The compartment lights turn on and everybody sees her sitting on him and he looks confused. People aren't to judge b/c of the embarrassing position she's in. She's facing him, STRADDLED on his lap, blouse has popped open, and he has one of those sleep masks that he's now pushed up and it looks like a black bra on his head.

I think you all can get the picture.

Now, I'm not gonna get all RR on you, or all psycho-fem either, but WHERE THE HELL'S THE FCC NOW? Aside from the obvious objectification of women (had to throw it in there - and don't even get me started on those "godaddy.com" or whatever ads), how is it ok for kids to see a 30 sec ad eluding to people having sex and not ok for a 3 sec "wardrobe malfunction"?

I'm disgusted b/c of the hypocrisy. Parents, teachers, doctors, caregivers are afraid to be blunt about good touch v. bad touch, but in 4th/5th grade they can learn about condoms. Christians are ok w/ Brittney Spears b/c she once mentioned being Baptist, but freak out that kids read HARRY POTTER. We like that Jesus came for the tax-collectors & prostitutes, but we don't really want them to come to church (only the Salvation Army).

Anyways... I could go on and on, but hopefully you see why I found this ridiculous.

2006-02-04T13:07:00.000-06:00

If you didn't hear about this or have a chance to read this yet, please, take a few moments and read Bono's "homily" at the National Prayer Breakfast. It's a radical call & message to the church and to this country. It really impressed me. Don't you just love it when the voice of God rings out loud and strong and right thru the BS? Especially from someone NOT in "religious circles"?

Bono's best sermon yet: Remarks at the National Prayer Breakfast

[RUSH TRANSCRIPT: CHECK AGAINST DELIVERED REMARKS]
If you're wondering what I'm doing here, at a prayer breakfast, well, so am I. I'm certainly not here as a man of the cloth, unless that cloth is leather. It's certainly not because I'm a rock star. Which leaves one possible explanation: I'm here because I've got a messianic complex.
Yes, it's true. And for anyone who knows me, it's hardly a revelation.
Well, I'm the first to admit that there's something unnatural...something unseemly...about rock stars mounting the pulpit and preaching at presidents, and then disappearing to their villas in the south of France. Talk about a fish out of water. It was weird enough when Jesse Helms showed up at a U2 concert...but this is really weird, isn't it?
You know, one of the things I love about this country is its separation of church and state. Although I have to say: in inviting me here, both church and state have been separated from something else completely: their mind.
Mr. President, are you sure about this?
It's very humbling and I will try to keep my homily brief. But be warned - I'm Irish.
I'd like to talk about the laws of man, here in this city where those laws are written. And I'd like to talk about higher laws. It would be great to assume that the one serves the other; that the laws of man serve these higher laws...but of course, they don't always. And I presume that, in a sense, is why you're here.
I presume the reason for this gathering is that all of us here - Muslims, Jews, Christians - all are searching our souls for how to better serve our family, our community, our nation, our God.
I know I am. Searching, I mean. And that, I suppose, is what led me here, too.
Yes, it's odd, having a rock star here - but maybe it's odder for me than for you. You see, I avoided religious people most of my life. Maybe it had something to do with having a father who was Protestant and a mother who was Catholic in a country where the line between the two was, quite literally, a battle line. Where the line between church and state was...well, a little blurry, and hard to see.
I remember how my mother would bring us to chapel on Sundays... and my father used to wait outside. One of the things that I picked up from my father and my mother was the sense that religion often gets in the way of God.
For me, at least, it got in the way. Seeing what religious people, in the name of God, did to my native land...and in this country, seeing God's second-hand car salesmen on the cable TV channels, offering indulgences for cash...in fact, all over the world, seeing the self-righteousness roll down like a mighty stream from certain corners of the religious establishment...
I must confess, I changed the channel. I wanted my MTV.
Even though I was a believer.
Perhaps because I was a believer.
I was cynical...not about God, but about God's politics. (There you are, Jim.)
Then, in 1997, a couple of eccentric, septuagenarian British Christians went and ruined my shtick - my reproachfulness. They did it by describing the millennium, the year 2000, as a Jubilee year, as an opportunity to cancel the chronic debts of the world's poorest people. They had the audacity to renew the Lord's call - and were joined by Pope John Paul II, who, from an Irish half-Catholic's point of view, may have had a more direct line to the Almighty.
'Jubilee' - why 'Jubilee'?
What was this year of Jubilee, this year of our Lord's favor?
I'd always read the scriptures, even the obscure stuff. There it was in Leviticus (25:35)...
'If your brother becomes poor,' the scriptures say, 'and cannot maintain himself...you shall maintain him.... You shall not lend him your money at interest, not give him your food for profit.'
It is such an important idea, Jubilee, that Jesus begins his ministry with this. Jesus is a young man, he's met with the rabbis, impressed everyone, people are talking. The elders say, he's a clever guy, this Jesus, but he hasn't done much...yet. He hasn't spoken in public before...
When he does, is first words are from Isaiah: 'The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,' he says, 'because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.' And Jesus proclaims the year of the Lord's favour, the year of Jubilee (Luke 4:18).
What he was really talking about was an era of grace - and we're still in it.
So fast-forward 2,000 years. That same thought, grace, was made incarnate - in a movement of all kinds of people. It wasn't a bless-me club... it wasn't a holy huddle. These religious guys were willing to get out in the streets, get their boots dirty, wave the placards, follow their convictions with actions...making it really hard for people like me to keep their distance. It was amazing. I almost started to like these church people.
But then my cynicism got another helping hand.
It was what Colin Powell, a five-star general, called the greatest W.M.D. of them all: a tiny little virus called AIDS. And the religious community, in large part, missed it. The ones that didn't miss it could only see it as divine retribution for bad behaviour. Even on children...even [though the] fastest growing group of HIV infections were married, faithful women.
Aha, there they go again! I thought to myself judgmentalism is back!
But in truth, I was wrong again. The church was slow but the church got busy on this the leprosy of our age.
Love was on the move.
Mercy was on the move.
God was on the move.
Moving people of all kinds to work with others they had never met, never would have cared to meet...conservative church groups hanging out with spokesmen for the gay community, all singing off the same hymn sheet on AIDS...soccer moms and quarterbacks...hip-hop stars and country stars. This is what happens when God gets on the move: crazy stuff happens!
Popes were seen wearing sunglasses!
Jesse Helms was seen with a ghetto blaster!
Crazy stuff. Evidence of the spirit.
It was breathtaking. Literally. It stopped the world in its tracks.
When churches started demonstrating on debt, governments listened - and acted. When churches starting organising, petitioning, and even - that most unholy of acts today, God forbid, lobbying...on AIDS and global health, governments listened - and acted.
I'm here today in all humility to say: you changed minds; you changed policy; you changed the world.
Look, whatever thoughts you have about God, who He is or if He exists, most will agree that if there is a God, He has a special place for the poor. In fact, the poor are where God lives.
Check Judaism. Check Islam. Check pretty much anyone.
I mean, God may well be with us in our mansions on the hill. I hope so. He may well be with us as in all manner of controversial stuff. Maybe, maybe not. But the one thing we can all agree, all faiths and ideologies, is that God is with the vulnerable and poor.
God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house. God is in the silence of a mother who has infected her child with a virus that will end both their lives. God is in the cries heard under the rubble of war. God is in the debris of wasted opportunity and lives, and God is with us if we are with them. "If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, and if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom with become like midday and the Lord will continually guide you and satisfy your desire in scorched places."
It's not a coincidence that in the scriptures, poverty is mentioned more than 2,100 times. It's not an accident. That's a lot of air time, 2,100 mentions. (You know, the only time Christ is judgmental is on the subject of the poor.) 'As you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me' (Matthew 25:40). As I say, good news to the poor.
Here's some good news for the president. After 9/11 we were told America would have no time for the world's poor. America would be taken up with its own problems of safety. And it's true these are dangerous times, but America has not drawn the blinds and double-locked the doors.
In fact, you have doubled aid to Africa. You have tripled funding for global health. Mr. President, your emergency plan for AIDS relief and support for the Global Fund - you and Congress - have put 700,000 people onto life-saving anti-retroviral drugs and provided 8 million bed nets to protect children from malaria.
Outstanding human achievements. Counterintuitive. Historic. Be very, very proud.
But here's the bad news. From charity to justice, the good news is yet to come. There is much more to do. There's a gigantic chasm between the scale of the emergency and the scale of the response.
And finally, it's not about charity after all, is it? It's about justice.
Let me repeat that: It's not about charity, it's about justice.
And that's too bad.
Because you're good at charity. Americans, like the Irish, are good at it. We like to give, and we give a lot, even those who can't afford it.
But justice is a higher standard. Africa makes a fool of our idea of justice; it makes a farce of our idea of equality. It mocks our pieties, it doubts our concern, it questions our commitment.
Sixty-five hundred Africans are still dying every day of a preventable, treatable disease, for lack of drugs we can buy at any drug store. This is not about charity, this is about justice and equality.
Because there's no way we can look at what's happening in Africa and, if we're honest, conclude that deep down, we really accept that Africans are equal to us. Anywhere else in the world, we wouldn't accept it. Look at what happened in South East Asia with the tsunami. 150,000 lives lost to that misnomer of all misnomers, "mother nature." In Africa, 150,000 lives are lost every month. A tsunami every month. And it's a completely avoidable catastrophe.
It's annoying but justice and equality are mates. Aren't they? Justice always wants to hang out with equality. And equality is a real pain.
You know, think of those Jewish sheep-herders going to meet the Pharaoh, mud on their shoes, and the Pharaoh says, "Equal?" A preposterous idea: rich and poor are equal? And they say, "Yeah, 'equal,' that's what it says here in this book. We're all made in the image of God."
And eventually the Pharaoh says, "OK, I can accept that. I can accept the Jews - but not the blacks."
"Not the women. Not the gays. Not the Irish. No way, man."
So on we go with our journey of equality.
On we go in the pursuit of justice.
We hear that call in the ONE Campaign, a growing movement of more than 2 million Americans...Left and Right together... united in the belief that where you live should no longer determine whether you live.
We hear that call even more powerfully today, as we mourn the loss of Coretta Scott King - mother of a movement for equality, one that changed the world but is only just getting started. These issues are as alive as they ever were; they just change shape and cross the seas.
Preventing the poorest of the poor from selling their products while we sing the virtues of the free market...that's a justice issue. Holding children to ransom for the debts of their grandparents...that's a justice issue. Withholding life-saving medicines out of deference to the Office of Patents...that's a justice issue.
And while the law is what we say it is, God is not silent on the subject.
That's why I say there's the law of the land¿. And then there is a higher standard. There's the law of the land, and we can hire experts to write them so they benefit us, so the laws say it's OK to protect our agriculture but it's not OK for African farmers to do the same, to earn a living?
As the laws of man are written, that's what they say.
God will not accept that.
Mine won't, at least. Will yours?
[ pause]
I close this morning on...very...thin...ice.
This is a dangerous idea I've put on the table: my God vs. your God, their God vs. our God...vs. no God. It is very easy, in these times, to see religion as a force for division rather than unity.
And this is a town - Washington - that knows something of division.
But the reason I am here, and the reason I keep coming back to Washington, is because this is a town that is proving it can come together on behalf of what the scriptures call the least of these.
This is not a Republican idea. It is not a Democratic idea. It is not even, with all due respect, an American idea. Nor it is unique to any one faith.
'Do to others as you would have them do to you' (Luke 6:30). Jesus says that.
'Righteousness is this: that one should...give away wealth out of love for him to the near of kin and the orphans and the needy and the wayfarer and the beggars and for the emancipation of the captives.' The Koran says that (2.177).
Thus sayeth the Lord: 'Bring the homeless poor into the house, when you see the naked, cover him, then your light will break out like the dawn and your recovery will speedily spring fourth, then your Lord will be your rear guard.' The Jewish scripture says that. Isaiah 58 again.
That is a powerful incentive: 'The Lord will watch your back.' Sounds like a good deal to me, right now.
A number of years ago, I met a wise man who changed my life. In countless ways, large and small, I was always seeking the Lord's blessing. I was saying, you know, I have a new song, look after it¿. I have a family, please look after them¿. I have this crazy idea...
And this wise man said: stop.
He said, stop asking God to bless what you're doing.
Get involved in what God is doing - because it's already blessed.
Well, God, as I said, is with the poor. That, I believe, is what God is doing.
And that is what he's calling us to do.
I was amazed when I first got to this country and I learned how much some churchgoers tithe. Up to 10% of the family budget. Well, how does that compare with the federal budget, the budget for the entire American family? How much of that goes to the poorest people in the world? Less than 1%.
Mr. President, Congress, people of faith, people of America:
I want to suggest to you today that you see the flow of effective foreign assistance as tithing.... Which, to be truly meaningful, will mean an additional 1% of the federal budget tithed to the poor.
What is 1%?
1% is not merely a number on a balance sheet.
1% is the girl in Africa who gets to go to school, thanks to you. 1% is the AIDS patient who gets her medicine, thanks to you. 1% is the African entrepreneur who can start a small family business thanks to you. 1% is not redecorating presidential palaces or money flowing down a rat hole. This 1% is digging waterholes to provide clean water.
1% is a new partnership with Africa, not paternalism toward Africa, where increased assistance flows toward improved governance and initiatives with proven track records and away from boondoggles and white elephants of every description.
America gives less than 1% now. We're asking for an extra 1% to change the world. to transform millions of lives - but not just that and I say this to the military men now - to transform the way that they see us.
1% is national security, enlightened economic self-interest, and a better, safer world rolled into one. Sounds to me that in this town of deals and compromises, 1% is the best bargain around.
These goals - clean water for all; school for every child; medicine for the afflicted, an end to extreme and senseless poverty - these are not just any goals; they are the Millennium Development goals, which this country supports. And they are more than that. They are the Beatitudes for a globalised world.
Now, I'm very lucky. I don't have to sit on any budget committees. And I certainly don't have to sit where you do, Mr. President. I don't have to make the tough choices.
But I can tell you this:
To give 1% more is right. It's smart. And it's blessed.
There is a continent - Africa - being consumed by flames.
I truly believe that when the history books are written, our age will be remembered for three things: the war on terror, the digital revolution, and what we did - or did not to - to put the fire out in Africa.
History, like God, is watching what we do.
Thank you. Thank you, America, and God bless you all.

Pity me

2006-01-25T08:01:00.000-06:00

I'm sick and feel like poop! Plus two of my kids have been puking all night! I want my mommy! Ugh. Well, at least I could vent to someone. Thanks.

Brokeback Mountain

2006-01-20T17:23:00.000-06:00

I had the opportunity to see Brokeback Mountain this afternoon. I can see why it's too much for some and maybe it is another "hollywood agenda" thing, but it's a film worth seeing; whether you're gay or straight. To be a civilized human being and to treat all people justly, it's pretty valuable to see. It will certainly make you think.

For me, I think I had to see it for a totally different reason than just the controversy. Even while on his deathbed breathing his last moments after a very undignified battle with AIDS, my brother wouldn't come out to me. Not that I asked, and really, it doesn't matter. But I can't help myself whenever there's a gay thing - movie/tv show/ whatever - I've got to see it. I feel like it's the only way I have left to connect to him and to finally get to know him. I think this movie really hit me b/c like my family, there was so much communicated through silence; for good and bad. And too much sadness, leads to great lonliness.

Where this puts me on the gay marriage issue, I don't know. Where this puts me in ministry and church planting, I don't know. I know it's ok to be a little confused and unsure, so I think that's where I'll be for awhile.

so whiney...

2005-11-14T10:23:00.000-06:00

So, in reviewing my last blog, I don't blame anyone for not commenting. Could I be more whiney?? Since then, Bill & I went on a pastor's retreat and wow did that help put my insignificance in perspective! What I mean is doing ministry is really a priviledge and the call alone should be enough. It's not about being a good friend and having people like me; it's about serving HIM with all that I am, knowing that my greatest reward will be hearing him say, "well done, good & faithful servant." Seriously people, shut me down next time I sound so pathetic!

On a positive note, we've started weekly prayer meetings in our church and it's been amazing seeing God already respond. When I say prayer meeting, by the way, we're coming together with no agenda or even specific needs, but rather waiting on & seeking the Lord to hear what he desires for this community. Then we pray that back to him. It's funny how you know you should pray, but it doesn't always happen; and then you do pray and total God stuff happens.

He is SO GOOD! psalm 86

what is about this time of year?

2005-10-08T19:56:00.000-05:00

What's the deal with fall? I love this time of year -- the crisp days, the amazing colors, the settling in every night with the family... so cozy. And yet, I experience such death and depression. What I'm refering to this year is the unfortunate, harsh reality that I am not a good friend. My reason for saying this: I recently learned of someone I know truly struggling with life and literally on the verge of a breakdown. But she has no desire to turn to me. Not that I'm all that cool, but apparently, I'm not all that trustworthy. Facing this sucks. And the trick then is realizing this hurts, yes, but I'm still commanded to risk again and to be vulnerable, and to attempt to trust again; even if I am judged unworthy.

Anyway, if anyone out there has advice on this, feel free...

a delayed Happy New Year

2005-05-13T13:14:00.000-05:00

So, I've been such a slacker with blogging. Of course, I wasn't even sure if anyone read this stuff other than me... I'm such a people pleaser! Life has been interesting now that I've returned to work. Granted, it's only 2 days a week and it's in ministry, but it's taken awhile for our family to adjust. And I'm still not totally into the swing of things. Example: I let the kids and myself play "hookie" today. We're just constantly running it seems and I can tell they're getting worn out and that's code for getting sick. We needed a sabbath day. Unfortunately in a life consumed with ministry and God, that often gets overlooked. Plus, you put in my total lacksadaisical (sp?) attitude... it takes me forever to accomplish anything it seems. Take the kitchen floor -- it's disgusting. I haven't scrubbed it in easily 2 if not 3 months. I know, gross, right? I'd rather just hang out though and relax with my kids.

Anyway, 2005 has proved itself to be a true year of grace and promise. We went and bought ourselves a house the other day. So amazing... God's provided the downpayment and we're approved for a wheda loan (1st time homebuyers) and WE are going to actually own an abode. I'm still freaking out. June 23 we close -- I think I'll believe it then.

call me chaplain?

2004-12-22T21:30:00.000-06:00

I've suddenly become a grown up at 35! I can't believe I have a real job suddenly with stuff like 401k and after x hours, I'm vested. I'm not even sure what the hell that all means, but there sure is some sense of urgency to save my pennies for a rainy day.

Seriously though, I've been hired by a local hospital as a pastoral care associate (chaplain). Although somewhat daunting working for the healthcare industry, the ministry opportunities are amazing. I witnessed today my first POA (power of attorney); specifically a "Living Will." It was so intense and powerful. The authority in this man's voice to know and choose how he would die was just amazing. I actually began to get a bit emotional at the thought of so nearly touching death. Powerful and intense are the only words I can find.

Then later, after some tedious paperwork, I was able to go out and introduce myself to some families waiting for news about loved ones. It was like riding a bike. You see, prior to my eldest's entrance into this world, I worked full time in ministry. Wasn't sure if I was cut out for it; but after getting this job, and especially after today, I can't help but minister. I can't help but share God's love and hope and peace. I just can't help myself and it feels good getting back into it.

Anyway, sorry I haven't written in ages. I'm hoping to improve now. Blessings...

Patience

2004-10-03T21:39:00.000-05:00

Patience. Funny thing about this fruit is how freegin impossible it is to have!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Earlier this year, I was spending A LOT of time in the Old Testament, specifically in Ezekiel. I know, light stuff. Anyway, I was really blown away by the amount of time life took several millennia ago and the amount of time people spent waiting on God and the amount of time He took to respond. Little did I know how quickly my patience would be tried during the second half of the year.

I've had a strong sense for awhile now, that God was about to move in a big way in my life and this church plant. Physically, what I have seen and what I have experienced has been the complete opposite. People leaving, gossiping about us, trying to detroy us, or at least my husband; and this little community shrinking to 8 including my 3 kids. Yet still I hear the same message, the same command: PRAY & HOPE & WAIT; PRAY & HOPE & WAIT; IT'S COMING!

Then I question, what exactly is IT and really, how much nagging do I have to do before you cut me a break, big G? Apparently a whole heck of a lot. Yet, my heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing of your unfailing love forever. I did receive some encouragement today that our prayers are starting to make a dent in the heavenlies. A couple contacted us via our website and began asking questions about our church community. I was blunt and honest about our plant and our intention, and they actually weren't scared away! How cool (and bizarre) is that!!! It has given me renewed vigor to seek and find all those pomos hiding under every rock in this stinking town. (Actually, they're probably all just hung-over from the game)

Well, back to waiting... (and hoping and praying...)

Not enough sleep

2004-08-20T07:36:00.000-05:00

Have you ever noticed that when you don't get enough sleep, you can be very crabby but also very sensitive to the world around you? And although you can over-react and not really be yourself, so to speak, it's not necessarily a bad thing. For the past 2 nights, I have gotten very little sleep, like 4 hrs. max each night. (NOTE: with kids, they never really sleep thru the night. It's all a myth. You're exhausted everyday till they're 18, and even then...) My point though is when I get this way, I definitely get crabby, but I also become acutely aware of how I'm feeling. And for me, growing up in an alcoholic home and trained to not show any emotion, it can be extremely intense. Today, the feeling is betrayal -- absolute, I'm-totally-in-shock, never-saw-this-coming BETRAYAL. And of course, it's another Christian, another Disciple, a fellow believer in Christ who I am experiencing this with.

Although this is not the first time I have experienced this type of betrayal, nor am I the first person to experience this type of betrayal (or the last), it still disturbs me. I can't stop thinking about it, dwelling on it, dreaming of revenge... I always want that last final confrontation where I chew the person up, spit them out, and squish them. It plays over and over again in my mind -- my words become quicker, sharper, harsher everytime I have my imaginary final battle.

BUT that's not the way it goes. Nor do I think that's how the Lord wants it to be. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood, Hebrews 12:4 Now, there's the rub. My anxiety is still nothing in comparison to the cross and daydreamingly gloating and seeking vengence IS the same as if doing it. The struggle then comes in releasing my betrayer and blessing them. I then am led to think that if this is this much of a struggle for me, a believer of umpteen years, how harsh the betrayal must feel to someone just beginning his/her spritual journey. I then must cry out, "Father, forgive me and thank you."

Thank God! That he is so much bigger than any church.
Thank God! That he is so much greater than petty jealousy.
Thank God! That his love for me and for you is unfailing.
Thank God! That his mercy is faithful to meet every prayer.
Thank God! That this isn't and will never be how the story ends.

I wonder if it's possible to have a community where trust is given, not earned; freedom is experienced, not theorized; and love sincerely covers a multitude of sins. Then words like "betrayal" wouldn't even exist.

Grace is starting school

2004-08-17T16:25:00.000-05:00

I went shopping today for my oldest who is starting Kindergarten. SO UNBELIEVEABLE! The past years have been such a whirlwind, and I've been in the flow of little ones for so long, to have one becoming independent is, well, heartbreaking! I of course started to cry in the dressing room as she tried on her navy jumper and white-peter-pan-collared shirt. Flashbacks of my first years of elementary school when I wore exactly the same thing.

Sending her to school was a difficult decision for me. I still sometimes wonder if homeschooling isn't a better coice, but I struggle with making it all work with two other children much younger and more demanding to tend to. Frankly, my super 3 yr.old is TOTAL BOY and anything "school-like" is a bit challenging for him (so to speak). He, on the other hand, may still be homeschooled. I think I'll get a better sense of that once Grace is gone. UGH! Grace is going to be gone! So wierd...